Psychic Energy

I have not slept, but energy races through my veins, and I know this is one of the rare occassions where I can be on the move all day long on little or no sleep. I've already mentally calculated what to do today. Meet Phoebe and Elina at Novena at 12:30pm, then meet Nariysa and Suhaila and maybe Shawal at 4pm. Then we shall kill time until 5, afterwhich we shall journey to Tampines to meet up with Seif and then Faekah will join us later. I've been reading philosophical works by a modern writer, and it is largely because I have so much to digest mentally that I am still awake and alert at this time. Contemplating what to do with my weekend. Where shall I spend it? Most definitely not at home. I'm allergic to the cats at Sembawang. Hmm. I'm a free spirit. I shall see where the wind takes me. I feel much better after having traversed the dark corridors of my mind last night. Had a blast talking nonsense with Seif and Faekah on MSN last night till the wee hours of the morning. Now the sun is peeking over the horizon, and the birds are conducting a riotous chorus outside my window. I've been testing my mental skills all night long, and to my surprise, I'm not that bad intellectually! I did pretty well on these tests. =) Oh, yeah. I have GOT to break my bad habit of falling asleep with my computer on. Usually my MSN status will still be 'Online' or 'Busy', and I get so many conversation windows. >.< Anywho, I have five hours to kill before heading out to see the ladies. I've always disliked hospitals. =/ They have this...disturbing effect on me. It feels weird. Anyway, I don't like seeing people in pain because somehow, my body senses it and I cringe in empathy. Enough about hospitals, I am going to go play some games now. Age Of Wonders 2! Shadow Magic! Hmm. Should I bring something for Yushaa to help her pass the time? *ponders*

Psychic Bitterness

Sometimes, all I want to do is shake each and every one of my family members. Shake them until the disconnected neurons in those hard heads somehow manage to fall into place and they understand why I am this way. There are days when I look them in the eye, and inside I die a little more. Would it kill them to accept that I'm just a boy who happens to love other boys? Does it really make a difference? When we die, would gender still matter? When we love, do we place conditions on such love? 'Be perfect, or I won't love you'. I can go to family functions, all that crappy stuff, and I'll just blend into the shadows, melt away so I don't have to face them and their denials. I'm starting to dread the coming Hari Raya celebrations. They can live with their deluded lies, but I can't. It's been years, and I've just stopped counting. Ever since they found out I'm gay, I've been marked as the good-for-nothing, the black sheep in the family. All the good grades I was getting in school stopped. All the family bonding stuff stopped. Conversations became awkward, and more often than not, I would just shrug my shoulders sadly and walk away in silent resignation. In my head, there's this constant video of what life could have been like if I'd stood up to them all those years ago, when that disastrous relationship was forced into the spotlight by my misplaced trust. The entire family confronted me with their misguided beliefs, proclaiming in righteous indignation that I was an abomination before God, that Satan would hold my hand as I walked down my chosen path of fire and brimstone. I wanted so much to scream at them. Even now, years after, the pain lingers in my soul, burning my heart every time I go home, or everytime there's some gathering. I cannot look at this people, they who worship words from a time long ago more than they worship their God. I cringe when I face them, and I cannot describe the emotion that surges through my being. Rage, pain, misery, longing, that feeling of being left out. Sometimes, I do wonder. Had I been from the same gene pool, would that have made a difference? In so many ways, I feel left out from them. More than that, sometimes I just wish to be that little boy again, the one whose heart was untouched by prejudice and was too innocent to be hurt by love. Yes, love hurts. Especially when one is condemned for loving in the first place. But then again, even as a little boy, I was hurt. So what does it matter? After all this time, I should be immune. I don't know what they know, how much they know...it's not enough for them to acknowledge me. Sometimes when I see the knowing glances exchanged between the adults, I just want to stand up and let the anger flow and overwhelm me. I've tried everything I know to make them see, but they're blinded by their ignorance. I had hope, when I fell sick and was stuck in that damned hospital that they'd finally see that I am human, not some perverted demon corrupted by lust. That hope turned to dust soon after. And now I find myself connected to these people by a mere thread. Sure, they reach out to me in small ways, like inviting me over and stuff, but that doesn't change the facts. I know my place, and it's not in this circle where perfection is a requirement. I am not perfect. I do believe in God, and I do pray to him. I know in my heart, that we who love unconditionally and help others freely will one day receive His blessing. But I cannot sit and stare at this circle of strangers who think they hold the answers to life because they helped create it. I do not wish to go this year. There's too much water under the bridge. Each year puts a little more distance between me and them. But no amount of distance or time will dull the pain that I endured when they drowned me in endless guilt and self-hate. It took me years to get over that. To see that I was worth something. Even today, sitting here in my room, I don't feel worthy. It is not something obvious, not in the way I live my life, but it's there nonetheless. A nagging suspicion at the back of my mind, like that backache you just can't seem to get rid of. After they were done with the shock and anger, they tried the denial route. Hey, when all else fails, deny. So now every girl I bring home is my new girlfriend. That my homosexuality was just a 'phase'. Right. I will be the first to admit that I'm not a good liar. I can't lie very well now, although I was pretty accomplished when I was younger. That skill rusted when I decided to face up to reality. So I did. I stopped lying to myself, I got into relationships, and hell followed. WHen I'm outside in company, I present a smooth, charming and flirtatious image for the world to see. But all these emotions are locked up tight in my chest, and I hardly allow them to touch my aura of calmness. I seldom lose my cool in public, and even then it takes a lot to fire me up enough that I explode. More often than not, I'll just bottle it somewhere and throw it in the closet. I think I might have to disappoint Seif again today. Not a good feeling to be disappointing my best friend. The world has moved on, but I'm stuck facing the same old demons. The forms have changed, but the essences remain the same. Demons of hate and ignorance in new guises. I will never forget that day as long as I live. I sat on the couch while the family blasted me to pieces, burning with holy might while I, the perceived devil, died a slow death. Maybe they were right after all. Maybe KIT was right. His words of eternal pain, "You don't deserve to have anyone." I bow my head in silent defeat, and bitterness colours my aura, darkening it a little more as each day draws to a close.
They don't know what it's like. They don't understand the power of their strike.

Psychic Connections

Today's much cooler. A steady breeze accompanied me throughout the day, and I enjoyed myself well enough. Could have done without the insects, though. Not a butterfly in sight, although we did get cameos from ants, caterpillars, mites and the occassional wasp. But aside from that, it was a pleasant day. Went over to Phoebe's house. Her dog doesn't like me. Stupid COokie kept barking and screaming at me! FOr no reason! Hmph. Well, cats rule and dogs just drool! So there. Speaking of which, I got home to Bedok at around 7pm, and decided to go to my parents' place at 8:20pm. Excellent timing on my part. *sarcastic* Then after getting the cheques corrected, I went to see Yushaa. Brought drinks and snacks. While I was waiting for her, this totally cute adorable kitty came to me when I clicked my tongue! It was sooooo affectionate, it kept rubbing itself against my legs and purring! I couldn't help it! I melted at the sight! Yay! I've regained my affinity with felines! And he kept me company for at least 10 minutes, even though I knew he wanted to go over to a group of old men eating nearby. He kept looking over at them, then would stand a distance away to give them his mournful look. Of course, they didn't even glance at him. *rolls eyes* So he came back to me and meowed pitifully. Unfortunately, I didn't have any food suitable for him, so I just played with him. Then Yushaa came down, and he finally went over to the old men. I remembered to wipe my hands with wet wipes, since I just discovered I'm allergic to cats! Talk about irony. *rolls eyes* So anyways, last exam tomorrow. Physics. *smirks* If I fail my Physics, I'll go hang myself upside down. I can NOT fail when I've worked so hard at it. *snorts* Yeah, right. OK...anyway, had fun today. Saturday will be my last day of fun, before I have to start studying for the next round. I've neglected reality for far too long. It is time to realise my dreams! *grand* =P Had a talk with Yushaa about my direction in life. Probably I'll aim for that course after all. Make some money, save up, then go to university when I've got enough to get back on my feet. Tonight I finally realised that the blow I took all those years ago affected me a lot. Without it, I'd probably be finishing with my education by now. *sigh* Well, what's done is done. The only way left is forward! =D Now I'm going to go eat and stuff my face before acing that exam tomorrow. =D

Psychic Perceptions

My perceptions are usually on the mark. So I'm not surprised by the events that unfolded today. They're just creases on a fabric I already recognise. I reserve my observations and perceptive judgments for close friends, because I know it is hard to take me seriously. How do I tell a person's character? It is much simpler than it seems. Simple things I observe from a person's physical self, other details I glean from things like how they construct their sentences, or what they talk about. I analyse such things and draw conclusions that tell me a lot about a person. Some people are just too complex for me to read, and I know these people carry burdens they keep close to their heart. These people are the ones I watch closely, because the burdens they carry are not simple problems, but complex situations that are firmly entrenched in their hearts. When the barriers and illusions they weave around themselves collapse, the least I can do is be there for them. Perhaps it is this perceptive gift that glimmers in my eyes that draws such people like moth to a candle flame. Because to be honest...most people I welcome into my inner sanctum, are the people of the second category. Behind the facade lie complex stories that I try hard to untangle and smoothen for them. None of my friends are the superficial kind who diss the latest fashion faux pas and rag on the latest celeb breakup, and even if they appear to, there is something soulful in their eyes, that haunted look that only pain can bring. This is the common ground that binds us, the common factor we all share. Behind the masks of cheerfulness, shadows dance and I know sooner or later these shadows will overwhelm the flimsy barriers built up over the years. The night beckons me, and I know my earlier plea to my angels have been answered. Yushaa and Elina came over to watch Brokeback Mountain with me. Elina cried, I shed a few manly tears, and Yushaa clutched her pillow. I swear the girls roared in agony when they found out Jack Twist died. Of course, it was a sad ending, and Yushaa was complaining about it. Haha. A must watch for homophobic people. It will melt even the most homophobic heart. Today I'm going out with Phoebe, that sweet gal! We're having a picnic! I'm bringing bug-spray. Butterflies are welcome to surround me, but wasps, bees and hornets better give me a wide berth tomorrow. I can and I will use my bug-spray!
When you're down on your knees, don't cry. I will hold your hand until you learn to fly.

Psychic Plea

Pull me away from the wreckage. I cannot break free of the chains that anchor me to this miserable existence. There is still time for me to redeem myself. But will I take this chance? Bitterness is an odd quality. It shows itself when you least expect it. I do not expect to be bitter. But I am. The seconds slide by, becoming minutes, which crystallise into hours. Sparkling drops of time that suddenly seeps through my fingers, falling...falling, and suddenly, whole years are gone. The skies are grey and cloudy, obscuring the morning sun, a fitting metaphor for my mood today. *pause* I've just received what many would say is a sign, an omen. *sigh* I must think hard this morning. Foresee the consequences of my actions. It is terrible, to have to decide which is the lesser evil. I've set two worlds on a collision course. And what I've set in motion, I cannot undo. I can only try to heal the damage I've done. At the present moment, all I can do is wait. Wait until the explosion has occured, and then I will figure out what course of action to take. I am hardly the epitome of patience, and watching the clock measure out the time I'm wasting is not helping my mood. I've reached out to my angels, sent that plea for help. Darkness cloaks me in its obscure comfort, but I long for the light of reason. White can appear black when the light is blinding. And now I have been blinded. The distinction between right and wrong has been blurred, and I've lost my moral compass. I can only hope an angel will take my hand and guide me in the right direction. Seif, I'm sorry. What has passed will never come to be again. With this in mind, I turn my back and walk away. Angels, come down from the heavens and lift me up.

Psychic Questions

I could stand on the precipice of a broiling volcano, and I believe I will feel chilled. Such is the way of life. My heart has been thawed and frozen more times than I can count. I am considering going to the reservoir now. Yes, at this time of night, when millions are asleep, I am going to sit and ponder on the mysteries of life. I am not one to explain the logic that follows the study of mathematics, or the wisdom that follows the study of history. Logic and wisdom have never been the domineering characteristics that define me. I defy both with startling ease, and at times I shock even myself with such antics. Yet, when I believe myself to be immune to such shocks, a bolt from the blue corrects such assumptions on my part. How can people sleep when the night beckons, full of hidden beauty? The air is cool and refreshing, not full of the clogged polluted tension it normally secretes during the day when everyone is stressed and rushing here and there like oversized ants. Even the knowledge that I have school tomorrow does nothing to quell the desire that wells up in me to sit and be touched by nature. My fiery nature is momentarily tamed when I sit in the heart of a calm garden. Phoebe has ignited another thought in my head. Am I intelligent? Or am I delusional? Is there a difference between the two? Galileo himself was thought to be insane, and was, I believe, incarcerated for his proclamations that the Earth was not the centre of the galaxy, and that the Earth in fact orbited the sun. That his incarceration was later reduced to house arrest does not diminish the fact that his greatness was obscured by public ignorance. Perhaps, in the distant future, there will come a time when every man who passes by each other on the street will have a ready smile and a kind word for the other...instead of the insults thrown these days because of perceived differences. Black, white, red, yellow, gay, straight, bisexual, fat, thin...what do all these differences matter? When it comes down to it, we're all vulnerable. Who is to say one is superior over the other? We form a delicate balance in this cosmic scale invisible to those who have eyes clouded by ignorance and hatred. I can never forget the images of the days humanity was felled by calamity, and yet banded together in fearless defiance of fate. It has left an indelible mark on my heart, and I secretly applaud the day humanity threw all semblances of prejudice out the window and supported one another. Looking past the pain, past the darkness, I see the hope glimmering and the glorious humanity that separates us homo sapiens from fellow critters of this Earth. Sometimes that dark cloud seems so big that we forget it conceals a silver lining. But that silver lining seldom comes out and falls into our laps if we don't make an effort to look for it. Life to me is so much more than certificates, or the regurgitation of facts that defines an excellent student in today's society. I was never meant to be that student. I never will be. I have my head firm upon my shoulders, and my creativity will not be stifled. I may lack the predisposition necessary to become a star student (in my mind, these students swallow facts and spew them out like cows chewing cud), but somehow...I don't feel like a bad student either. Truly, when does the transition from student to teacher begin? Such a basic question, but one that has no definite answer. My mind wanders...a sign that I have to go to my sanctuary...that reservoir that offers me such timeless peace. I'm off now. That's all the ramblings I have today. Make of it what you will...and do give me a sign to distinguish between true intelligence, and deluded insanity. =)

Psychic Call

Do you know, the word 'LUNATIC' originated from the word luna? Luna is Latin for moon. People used to think the moon was the cause of madness. I am in a rather deep mood tonight. All the worries of the world have shifted polarity...and now they're far behind me. I am ethereal tonight. I am light, I am shadow, I am both, I am everything and nothing. I am the shadow that lurks in each man's breast, I am the light that opens their eyes. The horrors of the world...have ceased to frighten me. I saw the sparkling waters of the reservoir tonight. And it appeared that a profound epiphany awaited me in the waters, begging further scrutiny. I know life is fleeting. We all know that. What matters is not the destination, but the journey. When I lie on my deathbed, what shall flash before my eyes? Great men come into prominence because they chased their dreams. And when I saw the stars tonight, each one representing a dream, for a moment, it appeared as though I could cradle one in my palm. I closed my eyes, and the illusion lingered. But it vanished in a flash of clarity when I opened my mind. I used to hold stars in my mind. Each one represents a dream, and shooting stars occur when a dream has been achieved. That was my most cherished thought. But with age, comes wisdom although this is not necessarily so. And now I know, shooting stars are just debris from outer space heated by their descent through the Earth's atmosphere. As you grow older, you lose so much. Innocence, hope. Why must this be so? I feel as though my spirit has been touched by angels tonight. It is something you cannot describe in words. I was protected tonight. And I am grateful. And even though it pains me, I know death is part of life. Those who pass on go towards God's light. And even though I cry for them, I hope they know I love them for having left imprints in my heart. Their physical selves may leave this earth, but their spirit lingers on like sweet perfume in my heart. They leave such legacies behind! I do not understand. Why am I this way? Is there no one else like me? SOmeone who cries over a dead tree, someone who holds kittens to their hearts and feels the soothing caress of peace? When other teens spend their time talking about music, fashion...I spend mine in quiet solitude. I do wonder if I'm normal. I can drive people insane with my words and theories. I do mean that literally. I just feel...like a seed that has fallen into the river and is fighting against the current to take root somewhere calm. People see me as someone wickedly funny, someone flirtatious. This is the illusion I weave to make them see only the facade. I myself cannot fathom the depths of my mind and heart, and it is only sometimes that my light flows through. =) Tonight is one of them. Which one is more attractive? A twinkling star, which is always in the sky, static and constant, or a brightly flaming comet, one that flares out quickly, but is exquisitely beautiful in its dying moments? Kenneth is one of my angels. He needs no mention, but we both know he is capable of lifting me up out of the abyss I so frequently dive into. Hehe. I am not depressed tonight...but I don't think there's a single word that describes my mood tonight. I have made up my mind. I'm going to the reservoir every night I'm sad, and let the peace I find so prevalent there envelop me. It soothes the cuts in my heart. It doesn't heal them, but it makes the pain lessen. I wish to dance. Dance and dance and dance until the world collapses around me. Dance until I can touch the stars. Whirl and spin...around the sun which represents passion, and waltz around the moon which represents timeless beauty. In the greater scheme of things, we may be comparatively small, but who says we're powerless? I do not wish to be here, trapped in an existence where certificates define you. I dislike the education system in Singapore. I dislike systems in general. While they may appear to keep things smooth and orderly, not everyone fits into such systems. I know I don't. =) Imagine if I say all this to my classmates. Do you think they would understand? Would even an A-star student understand the inflections in my words? I am not an intellectual snob, do not misunderstand me. I am just lonely, and I want someone who understands what I feel, what I say, what I want without me having to simplify my complexities into condensed formats. My family refuses to listen, but you know something? Even water can erode rocks. It takes a long time, but it shows the power of persistence. I can sit on a breakwater, watching the stars glitter like a million diamonds above me, and it is not the heavenly lights that captures my attention. It is the aura of the sea...that strange salty tang so many people take for granted. How strange I must sound...*shakes head* I cry over trees, I sing praises of the sea...am I really a human teenager? Lol. I drift off into my head, construct theories about the hows and whys of people. People think I am psychic because I can predict what they will say, or how they will react. Is this telepathy? I do not know. I am this way. But it does get lonely. I am the only one created this way. I have travelled far and wide, invaded many social circles in hopes of finding just one...just ONE person among millions who feels the way I do. My search so far has been fruitless. =) I feel so far removed from my peer group. I feel bonded to Elina, to Yushaa, to Phoebe, to Gina, to Kenneth, to Seif. Yet the bond I share with each person is different. Imagine there is a sketch of me in each person's mind. This represents how they perceive me. If you combine the sketches from all the minds of those who know me, it will look nothing like who I am deep inside. I know this by instinct. Yet I do now know the mechanics of how this can be. Life is full of paradoxes and conundrums. I guess I am just another one of them. =) And if there is indeed someone out there who can understand the entirety of what I've just written...please make yourself known. =) Being the only one among millions can be overwhelming. But with all my friends so solidly behind me, I'll survive. Of course I will. =) True friends form an unbreakable circle of protection around you. And I'm fortunate enough to have this at least. Here's to hope. *toast*

Psychic Tears

Why? Why do people who pray regularly, who maintain that God loves everyone equally, place conditions on love? 'If you're gay, you will be cast down to hell!' and 'You walk the path of fire and brimstone. God hates homosexuals.' It breaks my heart to hear these words spill from the lips of loving parents, to hear them heap such righteous remarks on their innocent children. It appears you will never be loved if you don't have a badge of perfection for your parents to admire and be proud of. How can you condemn your own flesh and blood? When you've carried him in your arms, tender and soft, when you've taught him how to look at stars and told him each one represents a dream? And when you held him on your lap and whispered a bedtime story, and watch sleep envelop such innocence? Do you not love what you have helped to create? You brought life into this world. Can you live with yourself if YOU are the one who takes the reason for living away from your child? When he was young and perfect, you told him every night, "I love you. God loves you." But when you realise he's gay, it's straight to hell he'll go. It's not fair. I read reports of gay suicide constantly. And I recall, I was on the brink of suicide myself. Many many times, I contemplated ending my miserable life. Because since people told me I was going to hell, I thought I might as well get it over with. But I had friends who supported me, even when my own family shunned me. They still do, in their own way. I've learned to filter out the hate in their words. But I cannot understand why. Why hate someone for being different? Doesn't everyone deserve to be loved unconditionally? Every hateful word will splinter an innocent's heart. Each disapproving word will accumulate and eventually choke him. It takes years of suffering to push someone over the edge to suicide. How can families turn a blind eye to this? To the pain of one of their own? Is religion so terrible that God punishes everyone who does not conform? How can these people use religion, use God as a weapon? When will they realise that everyone regardless of race, sexual orientation or religion has love in their hearts, and is in turn loved by God? How can they make their children suffer because of misguided beliefs? It takes courage to admit that you are different. It took your CHILDREN immense strength of heart to take that step forward, look you in the eye and tell you, "Mom, dad, I'm gay." They have so much to lose. The love and warmth that only family can give. And you yank that out of their hands the moment you tell them, "You're not welcome in my house until you change. This is wrong! God condemns it!" How can you say God loves everyone in one breath, and at the next minute say God hates your child? These people die alone and friendless, riddled with guilt, misunderstood by family. It is such a sad and terrible way to die. And you can stand by and allow this to happen? You placed the gun in his hand. And turned your back when he placed it to his temple. Please, prevent this. Give your children the love they need to grow and blossom into worthy adults.

Psychic Chrysalis

I'm breaking out of my shell. Those damned limitations that restrict me and force me to my knees? I'm breaking them all down. My family's denials? Not my problem. My innate shyness and instinct to blend in the background and hide is no more. I am so tired of being misunderstood. I am not stupid, I am not arrogant. I was merely shy. All my friends can account for the fact that I have a wicked and sometimes morbid sense of humour. I refuse to blend in, I refuse to be a voiceless pawn in the game of life. I have a quick wit, I can debate with ease on practically any topic people throw at me. I have as much right as the anyone else to live my life. And damn it, I'm tired of living in the closet on my knees with my hands clasped in silent prayer. I shall not wait for divine intervention; I am taking matters into my own hands. I'm gay, I speak English extremely well, I'm talented with my hands, I understand French, Latin, Spanish, Malay. I most definitely am not a monolingual cretin. I play the piano pretty well, and now the time has come for me to emerge from my chrysalis. It is long overdue, and as much as I like my comfort zone, it is not doing me any good to live in my high tower where I am untouched by the elements, untouched by time, untouched by progress, untouched by LIFE. Today I go without sleep. But my energy is skyhigh at the moment, and I am going to go home. The only restrictions are those I've placed upon myself. It is time I see how far I can go without these restraints. In life, in academics, in everything I wish to do. I've been fortunate enough to have my life coloured by my friends, people who have shown me the light, and now it is time I spread my wings. The spatterings of darkness on my wings will lessen, and I know it is only a matter of time before I completely banish them from my being. I will speak. I will still be who I am, but I will no longer hold my thoughts and observations in an unbreakable cage of silence. People may judge me based on their biased opinions, but frankly? I live my life for myself. As that song goes, "It's my life." And I'm choosing to live it. And screw all you stereotypical assholes who think that I'm just another faceless, voiceless statistic who will eventually contract HIV and die alone and friendless. I've been too soft and gentle, and that is why people assume I'm a pushover. My real strength lies in my quick mind. I analyse a person's character, habits, traits in a single glance. I have been too much of an observer, and not much of a player. What, exactly, do I have to fear from being myself in public? Prejudice? That's old hat. I've faced much worse. As people around me fill their days with productive activity, I spend mine staring at the skies and thinking as music fills the void. Well, those days are gone. I've wasted years being a dreamer. Now I'm going to turn my dreams into reality. I may be the black sheep of the family, the gay one, the non-religious one, but I've always been the silent one. Now when I speak, they can choose not to listen. But my words will penetrate closed ears and slam into hardened hearts. My fiery nature has come into play. This is the game of life. Don't hate me. I'm just a player. Hate the game, not the player. And to Yushaa and Phoebe and Elina, I owe you guys for my evolution. Yushaa for always being there to keep me from the edge, Phoebe for showing me the limitless energy of my spirit, and Elina for showing me the fires that burn unseen in my heart. Gina and Yiling have served to strengthen me, and I face the world today with a head held high and a heart that has been opened to the light.

Psychic Contemplation

I am too tired to sleep. Paradox? That's me. It takes a conscious effort for me to close my eyes and still my mind enough for me to drift off. Most nights I don't even bother trying until I just collapse somewhere and sleep till goodness knows when. I cannot keep to a routine, even for something as trivial as sleep. So I give up. I will sleep when my body gives out. I refuse to see another doctor, or set foot in another hospital as long as I live. I will not go. Am I the only guy who cries when I see a healthy tree green and lush with life, its leaves so rich and vibrant it gives me strength? Am I the only person in this world who can pick up emotions from people so strong I have to close my eyes to steady myself? In this world of superficiality, I find myself lost. I go to gardens, I walk by reservoirs of water, and yet I find myself alone in my walks with nature. People pass by plants and trees with hardly a glance, not caring that these are symbols of strength and tenacity, symbols of longevity even. Most trees will probably outlive them. I can be pretty superficial when the time comes (sale!) but I do not overlook these aspects of life. Why am I so alone in this? People walk past, people live lives, but I find myself suspended in time. I can spend hours, days even, in a respectable garden with only music and greeneries. I think I'm in the wrong era. There is so much to learn from nature! The diversity of life, the flexibility of a willow tree, (learn to bend before you break, and when you bend, you find there is no need to break). The steady calm strength of a sturdy oak. How a diminutive plant can be deceptively dangerous, it never ceases to amaze me. Yet this is the nature of man, where ignorance is the greatest disease, more so than all the flus put together. I am thankful that each of my houses lies in close proximity to nature. Speaking of which, I miss my Baby. =( I think that's why I've been so depressed. Regardless, I'm going to Sembawang this weekend. I don't think I fit in with teenagers my age...I hardly know the latest singers until they become obsolete, I don't discuss topics they do, and when I do talk to them, they will give me blank looks and an awkward silence will set in. *sigh* I don't know what teenagers these days talk about. The latest rock star? I laugh at them when they get excited en masse about things like soccer tournaments or the latest concerts. Such things are fleeting. They come and go. But some experiences, like love, a profound epiphany...these hang like shining drops of silver intertwined in the fabric of a person's life. It is easy for me to spill these thoughts out on paper or on the computer, but when I'm face to face with another person my age...I only dwell on the lighter sides of life. When will I find that person who will understand the subtle nuances in my sentences? *sigh* My interests lie so far away from the field of normalcy! I am keen on Latin, I study the paranormal with startling zeal, I've developed theories of my own on the existence of paranormal phenomena. I learn interesting facts about herbs, what to use for what ailments...even among gay people, I find I don't fit in. So where do I fit? People who read my writings find it hard to reconcile the author and who I am in real life. In real life, face to face, I do not dwell on philosophy, or on paranormal themes. Perhaps...someday. Meanwhile, I'm content to be surrounded by the coolness of lush greens and ponder the intricacies of life.

Psychic Void

There are times when I glance up at the heavens, and see that even the beautiful moon and the bright sun are overpowered by the clouds. Darkness is all-consuming. And now the darkness borne of my misguided love have laid claim to my soul. Will the sun ever emerge and burn these clouds away? Will you take that step and turn around to see that I am still on my knees waiting for you? I cannot lie. I still love you. Even after the pain and heartache, despite them, BECAUSE of them, I know I love you. 'LOVE'. People abuse that word. Misconstrue it, obscure its meaning until it becomes vague and cliched. And people stop believing. With the advancement in age, in technology, in intelligence...it appears we follow our heads and not our hearts. If I am to follow my heart, I would find myself trapped in that golden age where all that mattered was your arms and the security you gave me. And then, I realise...you gave me security. But I didn't give you anything, did I? I was a heavy anchor tying you down, and when all you wanted was to be free to fly, I tried to trap you in my thorny vines. Well, the roses have wilted, and all I see are the thorns now. Because I know, love has its own brand of thorns. And I foolishly lay myself down on them. This pain...I wrought it in my foolishness to believe that stupid saying that we completed each other. We weren't halves of a whole. We were fractions, we all are. You stole my heart, my breath, and I am more fractured than I was before I met you. The weight of my decisions, of every word I've said laced with anger lies heavy on my shoulders, and it scars my heart to know that they will remain a permanent barrier between us. As the sun rises each new day, the memory of you will fade to the back of my mind. But you will never leave my soul, you will never free my heart. I can't do that. I can't lock you out. Because if, IF, you decide to come back, I will still be here, just as you left me. I will not move. As night descends on the earth upon which I stand, wherever I may go, your memory will burn inside my heart, an unquenchable fire, a reminder as to how painful the thorns of love can be. Grip a stalk of rose too tightly, and you bleed. I held you, and thus I bled. Will you trust your heart, as I trust mine, and listen to what it whispers? I would give up everything I have, everything I've achieved so far to hear your voice, soft with love, to feel your strong arms, gentle yet secure. They say that I am a dreamer, but since you've been gone, all I have left are dreams. Perhaps one day...you will return with the missing piece of my heart. But until then, I am condemned to spend my hours in silent regret, and hope that someday...someday. I can never free myself from this cage of thorns you've left me in, and I will not be foolish enough to try. But I have faith my love for you will assuage the pain the thorns inflict on my weak flesh. And I have faith you will come for me in time.

Psychic Lullaby

They say time heals all wounds. Time mends a broken heart. But does it really? You just get caught up in a whirlwind of activity, and your pain may be momentarily forgotten. But the thing with matters of the heart is that...closure is tricky. Bridges can be rebuilt, fences can be mended. But can I heal the wounds created when two hearts collide? *sigh* Sometimes, I wish my life came with a rewind/delete button. And that conversations came with a time lag. You get a few seconds to think about your words before you spew them out. I guess we all have to live and learn from our mistakes. Right now, I want to be in a meadow or a lush valley, and lie on my back just watching white clouds scudding across blue skies. The night is lulling me to sleep. I'm cradled amongst the stars... *dreamy* I'm going to fall asleep any moment now. Just did an online psychic test...got a spectacular score of 400%. Maybe they miscalculated or something. *yawns* I'm sleepy! But I just woke up like an hour ago! Curse my biological clock. Alright. No sleep! 12 hours a day and u have a higher risk of Alzheimer's. I'm going to go get some food and just zone out watching the tube. What wouldn't I give to feel his arms tonight...*wistful* If I could rip my love out from my chest, I would do so without hesitation. *sigh* Off I go. Going to watch something that can elevate my mood. Kenneth, wherever you are, be safe.

Psychic Hangover

Oh, god. I never want to smell liquor again in my whole life. Ugh. Last night went out with Yushaa, Phoebe, Elina and Azhar. We drank, but I didn't feel drunk then. Tsk. Only slightly lightheaded, but then Yushaa wanted to see me get drunk, so we headed to the park near her place after saying byebye to Phoebe and the two lovebirds. And Jacob hit me so hard I never realised I was drunk until I tried to stand. Woozy~ THen my memory blurs a bit, A BIT, and I vaguely remember saying, "I want Seif." So Yushaa called him on my cell, and off I toodled on to his hosue, head spinning and all. He was waiting at the bus-stop for me, carried all my things which somehow managed to scatter themselves all over the bus-stop, wallet here, bag there, handphone somewhere else. Woohoo! It's great to have a bud like Seif. My mind quietened down after I woke up a few hours later, puked my guts out, and now, hours later, I still feel queasy. My eyes are bloodshot, and I still feel like puking. =/ Ugh. Can't decide whether to go for school, go book a piano with Phoebe at the Esplanade, or call Yushaa to come over and baby me with aspirin and laughter. *breathe in* I am no longer drunk. *breathe out* AAAAAAHHHH! I need green tea. Let's see, school starts at 9:30am, and ends at 11am. Hmm. I wonder if there's time to book a yanno with Phoebs after that. She's got work at 2:30? And maybe Yushaa can hang out with me afterwards. I am so dead tired la. Still feeling slightly heaty, but never mind. Seif was so cool about it! *grin* We talked loads. Kinda miss hanging out with him. Seems like our bond, that special 'best buds' connection is still there. =) I adorned his roof garden with my nutritious puke! =) Anyway, Yushaa! Let's go drinking again! =D I'll tell Jacob where to shove his Creek the next time he kisses my lips. =x Ok, it's bedtime for me now. Yushaa! *pouts* Baby me! I need lots of love before I feel Fizzly again. =x

Psychic Gift

I pray for strength so that I may strengthen. I pray for hope that I may seed it in the hearts of those who need it. I pray for inspiration to flow forth from my words, for love to shine in my deeds. I pray for you. You are beautiful and powerful beyond measure, but you do not know it. I see the light that glimmers beneath your surface, and I know you have potential. I'm not saying this to comfort, or to whisper sweet nonsense to fill in the gaps in your heart. I'm saying this because I see. Seeing you in such misery pricks my heart more than I can say. Failures are nothing. For every time you fall, get up. And when you feel you can't, I shall lift you up the best I can. Grasp my hand, hold on tight. I won't let you fall. Your light flickers, but bring the dying embers back to life. Be who you are. Rise from the ashes, Golden Phoenix. I can hold your hand, I can breathe life into your form, but it is you who must overcome your fears. I know you can, and now it is time you realised that too. You can overcome anything. And if you should fall, I will be here to catch you. Take as much time as you need to heal, to recover. When we meet, I will do all I can to heal you. The battle is only lost when you give up. I am no angel, I cannot protect you from harm. But I can hold your hand when you're wounded, I can care for you until your broken wing has healed and I shall watch as you soar proudly into the future that you so rightly deserve. I love you, as a friend, as a sister, as someone close to me. And I pray that my love is enough to give you strength. Have faith.

Psychic Epiphany

I spend most nights in quiet reflection, contemplating my life, and how it intertwines with others. At times I am the cruellest demon, and I wreck lives and hearts thoughtlessly. And at other times, I believe I can encourage flowers to bud and bloom, and I can inspire strength and courage, not only in myself, but in those I care for. Tonight, I watch the darkened skies with a light heart. From the darkness of last night, a new light was born. I find it is common that people look at flaws, whatever they may say. We see darkness, but we do not see the light that produces that shadow. In the same vein, we cannot see the source of the moon's unearthly beauty. We'd go blind if we do. Scientifically, we know that the moon reflects light from the sun. Yet it is the moon that we admire. Perhaps true beauty lies in not seeing the source, but in seeing what it produces. Perhaps this is the law of life, that we do not see the source of all things good, and that shadow and light go hand in hand. Without darkness, we would never appreciate the light. On a lighter note, Elina came by today. To 'do her homework'. Right. =P We watched Silent Hill, and it was gruesome! I'm rather proud of myself for not squealing! After she went home, I slept. My first dreamless sleep in a long time. No nightmares haunting me. I felt positively charged when I awoke. I even tackled my new assessment books which I'd bought earlier with Yushaa. I've been dormant for too long. It is time for my winter to end, and for spring to burst forth in all its glory. I cannot remain barren and cold, not while life itself beckons. I can feel the first touches of warmth in my heart, that prickle of fresh life. And if ever I need a reminder of the power of resilience, I shall watch The Firebird Suite. =) I breathe life with every breath, I feel hope flowing in my veins. And I know, if darkness consumes me again, it is only the product of a higher light. And that knowledge itself will be enough to lift me up. =)

Psychic Breakdown

Whisperings of my heart:
It's strange the pathways a person's life can take. A few months ago, I couldn't imagine life without him by my side. My guardian angel. My angel is no more, fallen from grace. He's wrested his freedom out of my hands. I can no longer tie him down to me. He's free to fly. And I know, this bird will not return to its nest. Never ever. The memories nauseate me, threaten to choke me. But with his freedom comes mine. I am free. And that freedom scares me. Knowing that there will no longer be a divine presence to keep me from falling over the edge. No one to lift me up in my moments of darkness. I am, for the first time in two years, truly alone. It is hard to even begin to comprehend the sacrifices I made to save this relationship. I'm not sure if I am to be regretful for my mistakes, if any. But when I consider what he's said and done, every hurtful word that splintered my heart, I almost hate him. Why? How could something so sweet grow so bitter and cold? I looked forward to each day, because I knew it would be one more day with him walking beside me. But he's gone now. And I no longer have anything to look forward to. Except my empty existence. What cuts me is that I CHOSE to share what I had with him. And now everything I see, everything I touch is tainted with memories of him, of us. It's like rubbing salt in the proverbial wound. I can only hope that he looks back on us, on the times we spent together with fondness, not hatred. It's funny, really. We shared a special connection. We even shared a bed. But through it all, he kept insisting he has no feelings for me. And it is this part which damns me the most. Was every loving word or gesture on his part forced? All a ploy to gain my trust? For what purpose? I want to hate him. I have to! If not, I'll only fall deeper. I really, really do not want to revert to my old self. The one with cold walls of darkness to hide and protect me. I want to live and walk in the sun, like how he taught me to. And if possible, I pray he'll come back. I pray. And hope. And when even faith and hope have deserted me, I shall truly be lost.
Forgive me if I have disappointed you.

Psychic Harmony

Today was a great day. I woke up at 1, too late to go to school, then went home to grab money and drop off cookies for le famille, then went to meet Yushaa. We ran out of steam halfway, and ended up dragging each other to the mall. REALLY dragging. We both felt too hungry to walk. =P Because we both hadn't eaten, and I was supposed to be fasting. Oh wells. Ten hours isn't a bad start. Heehee. We ate KFC, then went to Popular to get my books. Yushaa helped me a lot by deciding which books to get! =) Then we floated into Body Shop, and I got high on the scents within. Helped Yushaa decide what purchases to make, not that I was much help. We had an accident in Body SHop. NOT OUR FAULT. Hee~ By then it was already 6:30. *frowns* Come to think of it, time sped by in a blur. Elina joined us at 7:30! Hooray! Then we bought food and snacks from Cold Storage and KFC, and off we went in search of greeneries and nature. Now, when I say NATURE, I mean plants and trees, MINUS the insects. =) We went to the auditorium near Yushaa's house. Ate ourselves to contentment, then lay on our backs and watched the full moon shine through the clouds. Listened to music, and lovely Elina introduced some rather nice songs to us. It was rather peaceful to be amongst trusted friends and to be surrounded by nature, and have the light of the full moon shine down serenely upon us. I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time: peace. I can always draw on the memory of this night to give me strength in times of strife. =) We had fun. Ogled the guys who went jogging, and oh! There was this really cute guy on a bicycle messing around the auditorium with his friend. Droolsome! =P At around 11 we went to the playground across the auditorium. Played on the swings, and I must say that Elina looked rather creepy in her flowing black skirt and black vest and wild tousled hair. Quite a sight, really, to see her swinging on some creaky swing at night. We laughed our asses off. She flirted with a group of guys from some Sepak Takraw team. They were the only joggers left. Not really flirted, just waved her hand and faked an orgasm on the swing. We were roaring with laughter la. Yushaa did a lot of memory repressing tonight! =P Elina brings out the flirtatious side in me. *giggle* And we kept laughing at the Sepak Takraw guys la. THen as we were leaving to go our separate ways, Elina and Yushaa planned to stand beside the jogging tracks and say goodbye to them, albeit in a flirtatious manner. Then as they jogged past, Elina pinched my cheek and said loudly, "He likes boys! Yes he does!" Something to that effect. Then, OMG! It turns out the Sepak Takraw team was from Yuying la. -_- And they happen to know us. *faints* They called out our names, and we were stunned! Because, trust me, it's dark at midnight, and we couldn't see them clearly, none of us having perfect eyesight. Then stifling panicked giggles and embarrassed beyond belief, I smiled weakly at them and walked away with Elina. HAhaha! Funny. I wish we had more days like this. =) Everything just blends together harmoniously. I feel full of renewed hope! Thanks guys, for such a memorable day! =D

Psychic Empathy

I went out, studied with Gina and Moomoo at Mickey D's. Then later in the night since I was in the general area, I went to pick Yushaa up. (Don't worry about the mistakes, honey. We all make them. We're human after all. Just keep doing your best.) Then after I walked her home, I boarded 87. And something terrible happened. I happened to glance out the window, and saw a terrible accident. There was a man facedown on the side of the road, surrounded by shattered glass. I think he was flung out of the car. His leg was twisted at an unnatural angle. I looked once, and I couldn't look anymore. And yet the people around me started twittering and buzzing away excitedly. GOodness! Someone was injured, and you treat him like a zoo exhibit?! I was feeling his pain, and I COULD NOT look at him. Every muscle in my body was screaming in empathy. Yet even traffic was slowing down to gawk and stare. There were three cars at the roadside. I think one of them stopped to help him. The other two were probably involved in a collision. But it's sad. I really really hope the ambulance, which arrived two minutes later, came in time. I will never know how people can see that without flinching or feeling any empathy for the poor person. I mean, come on! My skin is still riddled with goosebumps now. I just want to cry for him. =/ I never want to see another sight like this again, as long as I live. Why do people stare? Morbid fascination? Do they not have feelings? =/ I pray he'll make it.

Psychic Fort/e

Everyone has a special place to go to when they're feeling upset or down. Mine shall always be any place lush in greenery. My fort shall always be full of life and freshness and hope. Sweet scent of flowers, wiry tenacious plants, the strong calm steadiness of ageless trees. =) I went home today, banged around on the piano, and was VINDICATED when my parents came back home. So happy, that for ONCE, Fate takes heed of what I/saya/je/wor, say. And not the other way round. Yushaa got me pizza, bless her heart. =) Thanks Yushaa darling! <3 I went to pick her up after work. Today was not wasted. I really did put all my previously idle brain cells to work at school. Breezed through the assignments, which come to think of it, has never happened before. I recalled facts and subject specific vocab such as amphoteric et cetera with uncanny ease. Surprised myself, and the rest of the class. So anyway, this only strengthens my resolve to get that damn cert that the rest of the world is making such a huge hype about. Well, that and the fact that when I was walking with Yushaa to her house, we passed these dreamy houses. I want! *puppy eyes* Those mansion-like houses, with pools and waterfalls and way too many rooms. Ahh...byebye condominium. I no longer want you! In the past few months, my own light has reformed and strengthened and now I no longer fear the unknown. Fear has ceased to exist in my heart. =) I've bounced back from all the years of heartache and silent misery, and now I shall make up for lost time. Build the life I never had. A life without fear, a life where I can be me and be happy. ANd sleep without being afraid. =) Music, language. Philosophy. My forte. I have nothing to fear anymore. I have these gifts to aid me through my path in life. I can wander through the halls of my mind unscathed, and sleep comes naturally to me now. I've gained weight (lots of it, unfortunately) and shed my skeletal image. =) So much has changed for me, and now I feel like I can take on the world. Truly, life is what you make of it. Tomorrow I'm going to meet up with Gina for a study session at 2pm. =) I cannot reconcile the two MEs of my life, the dark one from the past, and the me in the present, revelling in light and with an inner light that puts the sun to shame. I may never be able to fully dispel the darkness that clings stubbornly to my soul, but I find solace in the fact that I walk in the light. I feel warmth now. The very fact that I feel anything, makes me realise just how far I've come. And the only way left to go is forward. The void in my heart has lessened, and maybe someday, it shall be eradicated forever. =) I owe my rebirth to the wonderful people around me who pulled me out of my shell and encouraged me to spread my wings. I have risen, and nothing can stop me. =D

Psychic Glimmer

I may be shrouded in darkness, but I see flickers of light glimmering around me. I may be lost, but I have faith that I'll find my way. Every time I fall, I shall rise from the ashes. I've made a pact to study with Gina, and it is up to me to inspire myself to achieve. I made a mistake yesterday, and I fell to my knees before the foolishness of a futile hope. But today I rise from the ashes, and regardless of what happened yesterday, I continue to rebuild my life. It has taken me a long time, and I've overcome so much. No one can take these accomplishments from me, and who is to stop me from rising higher? I try to be the best that I can be, because I know I'm not perfect. No one is. I absolutely refuse to give in. As all my friends know very well, I have a stubborn streak in me, and when I put my mind to it, I will never give up, no matter how lost the cause is. I'd rather die standing than live on my knees. I will never allow myself to be enslaved by despair and stagnation.I have risen again and again through sheer force of will. I will not be beaten. Never ever. I refuse to bow down and die. This Thursday, I've made up my mind to utilise my intellect to its full potential. I will not repeat the same mistakes I made before. Both times I was felled by unrealistic hopes and dreams. But those failures only served to strengthen me. And now I shall arise anew and burn all darkness and despair away. Have faith. I shall continue to inspire hope and warmth, and seek my own redemption.

Psychic Shock

Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. =/ I was on the bus when they flashed the news on Channel NewsAsia. It's completely shocking. I thought it was some insensitive practical joke at first. Then I realised, news channel? They don't joke. My first thought was for his wife, Terri, and his kids. My heart goes out to her, to them. Apparently the barb of the stingray pierced his heart when he swam too close to it. It's a freaky accident, and the way he died is so unheard of. Fate has dealt another wild card. It just goes to show the frailty of life, the precious fragile spark that is imbued in all of us, can never be taken for granted. We die from so many causes, we can expire at any time. We never know when our last breath will be, so we ought to make the most of it while we still can. But still...this comes as a complete shock. *sigh*