Psychic Iciness

I have half a mind to vanish completely from everyone who seeks me out. Four bottles surround me; they were full an hour ago. Now I'm left with one and a half bottles, and I'm starting to feel sleepy. But as usual, my nocturnal nature has asserted itself and I have been reading for the past few hours, ignoring the pain that zings through my entire body. Mostly it centers around my heart and fingers, but I have managed to dim my consciousness of said pain. It barely registers in my mind anymore. Heavy works. I can see now why so many thinkers were thought to be oddly eccentric, insane even. I understand their concepts, but somehow...tonight I have trouble believing that there exists in our universe realms beyond our comprehension. Tonight, I am low on faith. It makes me laugh softly, that familiar phrase. J's favourite singer. "Running low on faith and gasoline." *shakes head* Maybe I'm a fool, but even with my limitless folly I cannot understand why he would agree to go out with me again. J, I will not begrudge you in the least should you decide to turn me down. *sigh* The winds are soft and wistful tonight, and my regrets are many. Perhaps this is my contribution to the night, silvery crystal drops that fall from my eyes. Ornaments to an indifferent Goddess. His words have chilled me, more than I can bring myself to admit out loud, but as long as I have breath, I know the fire within me will burn. Perhaps that should be enough, and I should stop hoping for things that everyone keeps saying is out of my reach. Ice threatens to seal my heart off, and I have to remember to stop and breathe. I am no longer afraid. I have called out visions that have previously terrified me, faced them down and smashed each horrifying memory to bits. It leaves me feeling slightly light-headed. Maybe I'm finally regaining my memory, the parts that I lost through pain. I don't know. Memories are unreliable. I'm not in much pain, truth be told. Just feeling slightly numb, and cold. In my mind's eye, a rippling wave of frost radiates outwards from my self, freezing everything in the immediate vicinity. Only two people can melt me right now. The moon is a thin sliver in the night sky, a pale shadow of her usual glory. Seeing her, I feel a stab of pity that almost instantly freezes and shatters into dust. The dance of the sun and moon is at times a glorious one, and at times...a heart-breaking one. Each chases the other without ever meeting. Night and day. The sun with his light and heat, and the moon with her beauty and sparkling stars. If ever they do meet, our world will cease to exist. Perhaps we can draw parallels from their doomed lovestory, J. I'm tired of waiting, tired of loving, tired of crying for you. But tonight, you are only a fraction of what threatens to besiege me. You are no longer my foremost thought. X has been pressing me repeatedly, and suddenly I feel a wave of resentment for him. R is still busy with his work, and I...have had my wings clipped. I tried to play the piano yesterday. Nearly cried from the raw, physical pain. I can't type very well either, which is why tonight's post is taking me so long to complete. I can do light tasks with my fingers, but taxing ones like playing complex pieces or even tying my shoelaces quickly have become major battles. I've never appreciated my fingers more, actually. Huh. Look at that. I found a silver lining in the cesspool of my life. *sigh* It doesn't matter, really. Come morning, the sun will rise and force me into the deepest corner of my room and then the sandman shall come and claim my soul. I met X's older brother. They are very cold to each other as siblings, but X quietly urged me to resume my former position as a teacher. He wants me to give his brother's kids music lessons. If the place wasn't so far away from my current residence, I'd have agreed in a heartbeat. X grew sullen after we left his brother's house, and I quietly left the house the following day. *sigh* No matter how hard I try to distract myself, my thoughts always flit back to J. I swear I'm going to go crazy these few days. I can't play my piano, I can barely type, and my brain feels like mush. Ice surrounds me unseen, but those close enough to me know its sharp bite well enough. Maybe they ought to give me a wide berth until I thaw out. J's words helped to defrost my icy walls slightly. He actually made me laugh, and then wistfulness and a longing to hear his voice caused the ice to reform. Let's just say I won't be feeling very warm and trusting these few days. I'll just hole myself up and tend to my wounds before leaving this castle of dark memories, where the very walls breathe his name. I'll be leaving Bedok sometime soon. Probably going to reside in the Punggol or Sengkang area. I don't really care either way, where I end up as long as I have my essentials with me. The three Ps. Pen, paper, and a piano.
J, save me from myself.