Psychic Nostalgia

Ah, home. I've been here for just a few hours, and it feels as though I never left. The piano keys are warm to my touch, and everything here is blossoming and blooming. I haven't visited the back garden. I think our turtles are dead. Haha. The plants are still as green as ever. It's as though time has stopped in this place. Everything is the same, yet I know I have changed. I've been banging away on the piano all day, before finally falling asleep on the sofa. I doubt I'll remain here for long though. My nature is to fly and be free. So it's off to Sembawang I'll flit come the weekend. I was supposed to go out with Yushaa in the afternoon today, but I somehow fell asleep. Was up late helping someone rewrite his essay. I have several days left to collate my portfolio. Hmm. Anyhow, it just feels odd to be here and see the same people, but knowing that now we all have secrets of our own to keep. Odd, but pleasant in a strange way. My piano beckons! Away I go!
Muses, thank you for your gift.

Psychic Rain

I hung out with the queer gang to cool off yesterday. Things have since smoothed over. I met up with Yushaa and Amin at Pasir Ris at 3pm, then we went to the chalet. Thunder rumbled, and Yushaa and me went out to walk by the beach in the rain. Had fun splashing each other, and getting thoroughly soaked. There is something about nature that manages to soothe the savage beast lurking in every man. We spent like two hours walking around in the rain, and when it stopped, we explored the backways of Pasir Ris park. Came across some swamp, stood on the bridge, and my keen eyes spotted something moving in the water. It was a komodo dragon! A small one, but still! We saw cranes too. And while we were watching the komodo dragon slithering over the rocks, a kingfisher dove down into the water and emerged with a morsel in its beak. Then our stomachs asserted themselves, and we walked off to White Sands to grab some food. Phoebe met us there, and I startled the poor girl by grabbing her arm as she walked past. So we sat down at Mickey D's, and talked for a while, before taking a bus back to the chalet. Both Yushaa and me were suffering from hypothermia by then. And then, surprisingly! My clothes dried off! We pigged out at the chalet, and then Zul came down. Damn it. I was polite though. Really! Then I got wet a second time when they threw me into the pool! *indignant* I tried my hardest to drag Yushaa into the pool with me, but failed. I succeeded once I climbed out of the pool. Pushed her in with a loud, satisfying 'SPLASH!' The look on her face was priceless, I tell you. Then soaking wet, we said our goodbyes to Elina darling and went home. I froze on the bus ride home, and took a long hot shower and it was bed for me.
Nature heals.

Psychic Coldness

It appears my plan to go home has to be delayed while I sort out some unfinished business. Those who know me intimately know that when I get well and truly mad, I become cold and chiseled like a razor's point. When I am truly angry, I will use a person's personality against himself. The greatest insult is to impale a warrior upon his own sword. I know the flaws of those around me, and should they cross me, these flaws once exposed to me, can be deadly for them. Of course, I do pay attention to that famous line 'with great power comes great responsibility'. My ability to get inside a person's mind cannot be understated, nor can it be taken lightly, even by myself. I do not shout; I don't need to. I am usually mild-tempered, and while my reticence can take some getting used to, it is necessary to understand why I often choose to remain silent. When I am angry, my words will dwindle and die away. Because I, more than anyone else, understand the power of words. It can hurt, it can maim. It can haunt. But once in a blue moon, along comes someone who cannot understand that there are limits to even a saint's patience. And mine has been tried. I can rip these people apart, metaphorically of course, but I must also be mindful of the consequences. I will not turn the other cheek just to allow them to repeat the same mistakes. My fingers can wait to regain their dextrous wonder. My words are sharp and cold, and they are often deadly to a relationship when I've been pushed far enough. Every predator must learn when to strike. I'll bide my time. Hide in the bushes. But I'll pounce once the time is right.
Unsheath the claws of my heart.

Psychic Return

I'm going back home tomorrow. Partly because I need to regain the dexterity of my fingers, and practice my pieces, and also because I need a change of scenery. I'll be staying there for a while. I need to regain certain 'lost' aspects of my personality. Therefore the return to my roots is necessary. The greatest works were done without distractions. This week shall be about me, my music, and stillness. Perhaps some of the other issues will resolve themselves while I'm there.
Muses, return to me.

Psychic Calm

The night brings a sweeping wave of melancholy, yet it also seems to envelop me in a soothing embrace. My nightmares have left me for the moment, and my sleep is peaceful and uninterrupted. This is the perfect time for me to hone my skills; these few months of peace I have left. Both in languages, and in music. Hmm. I am at peace with myself. At least for now. I have eluded contact with my family for a long time...and tomorrow I shall be attending a family gathering. I am apprehensive, but the current wave of calm that engulfs me seems to dull all fears. If only I can enter this state at will...meditation perhaps? No, I'm usually too hyper to meditate. Forever rushing here and there to burn off excess energy. The new week approaches, and it is time for me to balance out my karma and activities coming up. I will continue with my mental gymnastics, and hopefully get a job! Job equals to more resources. More resources equals to a better me! Or I can just ask my parents...hmm. No! Job it is! I like this soothing calmness that spreads itself around my room. I have a few more articles on Westboro Baptist Church that I found, but I'll probably post them when I'm in the mood to rant. I don't want to end this calm wave just yet. =)
Thank you, Gabriel. Angel, I hope you're happy.

Psychic Rest

For the first time in a long, long while, I am rested. Probably due to all the alcohol yesterday, but rested nonetheless. Yesterday was an extremely busy day. Went out at 12pm to meet Phoebe at Dover at 1pm. Then we went off to meet her friend Weixin at City Hall. She turned out to be pretty nice, despite my initial apprehension. And we strolled off to keep our date with Cristofori. We tried out the digital piano, which in my opinion is a technological and musical horror, and finally stuck to the traditional upright piano. The weather suited my mood, which was reflected in my playing. Inconsistent! =/ But it was ok overall I think. We ended at four, and had lunch at nearby Marina Square. I had my usual baked rice and soup. Then Weixin had to go home, and Phoebe (sweet girl) accompanied me to Dhoby Ghaut. Thanks Phoebe! Then I trundled down to meet the gang at ChompChomp. Somehow my compass malfunctioned again, and I ended up being half an hour late. The table was absolutely laden with food. And I got carded twice. But both times I kept my cool and charmed the ladies selling drinks. They were pretty stern at first, but eventually warmed up to me and started talking for a bit. Lol. In the old days, I would probably have glared at them and simmered quietly. But now I just smile and chat people up. They didn't have Long Island Tea at 7-11. Pity. So after that Poh Chuan asked me to buy Carlsberg from the drinks stall, and I got carded for the 2nd time that night. The auntie joked that I was drinking at such a young age after I worked my charm. I forgot to bring my IC that night, so I had to rely on my charm to get the drinks. Then after dinner, the birthday bash truly started and Miss Lee beat a hasty retreat after snapping some photos. Everyone got slimed with some foul concoction Gina brewed up beforehand. It stank to high heaven, and after that we parted ways. I met up with Yushaa, and we sat and talked and gazed at the clear, starstudded sky until 12am. Then I took a bus home...and somehow, I fell asleep and missed my stop. So I had to hike through the expressway (there weren't any more buses) and garnered some strange looks before I decided to cut through some open fields instead of walking on the road. Reached home late, like 1plus, then bathed, washing off that foul lingering smell from Gina's potion, and plopped down. No one was online, so I slept till 6pm today. Voila. There ends the updates. Oh. Cycling expedition coming up. Next weekend. SMS GINA for details. By the way, the background music is appropriately titled 'Rest' by Saliva.
If only everyday would be just as nice.

Psychic Voice

While I was skimming through some articles on the amendment of Singapore's Penal Codes, I came across another article that piqued my interest, though not in a good way. It might ring a bell to those who happen to be gay. It's called the ex-gay movement. A program that seeks to alter a person's sexual orientation. At first I couldn't believe my eyes. Then a whisper from my past drifted through my mind. Someone had tried to get me to join this group. At that time, I had no idea what this organisation was all about. And being me, I had steadfastly refused to be affiliated with any mainstream group. The more I read, the more stunned I became. Parents send their own children to these organisations, telling them they either have to change who they are or they are not normal. The implication is that 'we want you to be like everyone else.' How many confused teenagers are out there, torn between who they are and who society wants them to be? I was even more disappointed to read that the Ministry Of Community Development, Youth and Sports of this country that I live in has granted $100,000 to one such organisation. Don't believe me? Click on 'Psychic Voice'. Waay at the bottom page.
And what will be the point of this? Do these people lack the skill of foresight? Or are they just myopic to the consequences? How many brainwashed people in the future will only realise that they are indeed gay, after having started families? Do you want that to happen? Families torn apart because it was encouraged to suppress who you are to please the world? I can live with certain idiosyncrasies. Like the flawed education system, which is totally bugging me at the moment, but this just really reeks at the moment. Gay teenagers, indeed, gay people don't need such organisations telling us we're abnormal blips among the clones that humanity has become. Prejudice has existed for a long time, in various disguises. Each time we beat one form, another emerges. Social standing, skin colour, financial holdings, personal intelligence, sexual orientation, physical appearances...why do we let these differences affect the way we live our lives? Why do we let these things warp the way we look at the multitude of people surrounding us? I will not lie, if I had someone to tell me being gay is ok when I first realised I am, it would have made a huge difference to my life. So what is this nonsense about a program that changes the very essence of who you are? I find it insulting. Where are the seminars that dispel commonly held misconceptions regarding homosexuality? Where are the support groups? Where are the public awareness campaigns? That would be a lot more helpful than this program that only enforces the ridiculous belief that homosexuality is a state of mind.
Raphael, come down and heal the hatred and ignorance of humanity.

Psychic Clarity

I awoke at 3am this morning, and as I perused the fridge in search of food, my gaze fell upon a tiny cupcake. And in that instant, that seemingly banal object opened my eyes in a flash of clarity. We all like our comforts in this world. Some get more than most. I often talk about realising the value of a relationship before it's gone; irreplaceable. But sometimes I don't practice what I preach. I have not strived to make life more pleasant for those around me. Instead, I try my hardest to distance myself in hopes of concealing my innermost thoughts and desires. Yes, folks, I'm talking about my family. The memory of that one night in 2003 haunts me. Three years ago, when a certain indescretion came to light, certain sections of my family rallied to confront my homosexuality. I often focus only on what was said, on their efforts to break through my defensive barriers and try and tell me homosexuality is wrong. But when I think of the journey they made to try and save my soul, however misguided they were, I feel the coldness in my heart falter. They came all the way down, in the middle of the night, to try and teach me right from wrong. Bullheaded as I am, stubbornly determined to fight for my rights, I ignored these little signs of care and stuck by my guns. While I am proud that I did stand up to them, fighting back years of misconceptions (gays die of AIDS, apparently) and prejudice, I am appalled that in turn it was I who grew prejudiced towards them. Family functions became a battleground for me to snark and let loose with my sarcastic sting. I refused to open up to anyone even remotely related to me. I grew embittered and cold. As I grew distant, and the entire family tree tried to reach me, that distance continued growing and my frostiness knew no bounds. It is amazing, but when I was living with my parents, I could vanish from sight for days at a time. Even living under the same roof did not hinder my wish for solace. My room was forbidden ground, and I only ventured out at night when the sandman had done his noble work. Now, the years have taken their toll, and I feel an immense sadness at all the things I could have said and done to prevent these rifts from forming. The early days of separation from my family nearly made me turn back and run all the way home. My mum would call every morning and ask me how I was. Like clockwork, every morning at 6:45am, she would call my cellphone as I caught the bus to school. Eventually, I fear she just gave up trying to reach me. She'd always end up crying, and telling me not to give up. I would remain silent, listening, but not budging. Is it too late now? Is it too late for them to change their outdated views on homosexuality? Is it too late for me to regain all these lost moments, when laughter was not an illusion designed to hide the cracks underneath? As dawn approaches, and brings with it a new day, I pray I have not made irreversible mistakes.
Undo all my mistakes. My greatest wish, and my sole regret.

Teen Titans-Raven's Prayer

The haunting chorus...let it touch your innermost core and reverberate with the sweetness of hope.

Psychic Guilt

I have been found wanting. As I cringe at what the future has in store for such a wayward child like me, (freethinking homosexual personne with unusual thought processes) I pray a miracle will take place and save me from the path of darkness I've stumbled down upon. Why, oh, why? Who among us can claim to be normal? I am so far removed from the normal order of society. As people rush around me, to school, to work, I spend my days staring at the blue blue skies and wondering if the guy up there is playing us like marionettes. I am quick to unravel a person's character, I am quick to mentally gauge and categorise said person, and I know what he will say/do moments before the action itself. Ever wonder why fortune-tellers never read their own fortunes? Interesting question. I have hopes, dreams, aspirations. We all do. It is only human. What I lack is the courage and initiative to follow through. The higher the mountain, the better the view. Is this not so? Well, my brain and my heart are not working in tandem at the moment, and try as I may, I cannot see a way out of this tangle I am in. Perhaps I can make it in. If I start preparing now...it might not be too late. But what damns me is the guilt factor. Sacrifices were made in vain. Because of my flighty nature, I flew too far off course, and the people waiting for me on the other side shall be disappointed. I am the most complicated being I know. Passion sweeps me up, and away I go, following whatever catches my fancy. A ray of light, a pretty butterfly, a bright spark. Why, oh, why can I not stay on course? Why? Is my inner compass malfunctioning? Sighs aside...it is time for my stubborn side to emerge. I will pursue music. I consider this matter closed. Auditions begin next year in March, and I will be preparing now. It is time to put my resourcefulness to the test. Went for this amazing concert...Singapore Poly's String Ensemble! Despite a few minor hiccups, it was awesome! Their melodies sent goosebumps racing up my arms. It was nothing short of amazing. Ah...the wonders men make when they get together. I absolutely love all the pieces they played! Under the excellent conducting by Mr. Yan Shi Li, who is also an SSO member. He is a very expressive conductor. Yushaa did a wonderful job emceeing. And she looked great in the blouse and heels! Now...it is time for me to drown my guilt. Kenneth met the queer gang tonight! ANd (not) surprisingly, they clicked! *grins* Now the sandman finally succeeded in bewitching me tonight, and he's not the only one I can tell you that. =) So it is off to nightmare land I go now.
Follow me on the wings of darkness, into the night we soar. Let me elevate you to heights never reached before.

Psychic Sleeplessness

What is the point of running? Hiding? When you know none of these things will make your problems vanish? Drowning in alcohol isn't a very smart option, is it? I hope today, when I step outside into the bright sunlight, my courage will not desert me and my instincts to run and hide deep in a dark cavern somewhere will not kick in. Intellect is like a useless weapon in the hand of a pacifist if you choose not to exercise it. So I will. Grumble though I may, I won't back down when faced with the gates to that place I detest so much. Even the brightest star may yet fail and die. Nothing is constant in this ever-changing world. Let inspiration sweep me up and carry me away. The merest whisper gives me strength, and I hope in this last game I have left, I will not fail. If this is the end, so be it. I will go down in a blaze of glory. For every star that has gone down, a million still twinkle in the velvet skies above us. I may have spent the night wide awake, but I was dreaming all the same. The sandman has failed to tempt me yet again, but the Muses are my friends, and they were faithful to their duties. Now, inspiration and hope are two separate entities, though they are closely related, and it takes a keen mind and strong heart to distinguish between the two. I cannot claim to possess either one, but I am a master at unravelling the intertwined. I digress, however. Back to the point...my night was spent in careless dreams, and I realise that that old adage rings true. Fear is magnified when you back away. If...if I had not backed away, if I had faced up to my fears...then perhaps. Quizas. As sunlight whispers over the horizon, and my Muses flee from the harsh reality of morning, I find myself torn. These dreams, that I of all people know can never be realised...or me, coming out to face the world. My closet is full of skeletons, and while I like it here among them, I guess...some dreams are never meant to be. For those who so far have been able to decipher my hidden codes and inflections in every post, well done. If only men were capable of storing courage for later use. But if onlys serve no viable purpose, except to entice the weak to look back in time and get stuck in their own memories. The whole point to this extremely cryptic entry? I am praying for courage. When I stand at the gates, and I am about to enter and get judged, I pray that I will not be found wanting.
What awaits? Fortune-tellers, come forth.

Psychic Weightlessness

The heavy burdens have rolled away. I am still coating my walls and ceilings and floors with black layers. But somehow...I've realised...what I want and what I need are two completely different things. It is hard to distinguish between the two sometimes, but...I have everything I need now. I can float in the sunshine again. The castle is wide open to visitors now, although the changes will be rather drastic. I'm going shopping with Phoebe for supplies this weekend. I have been very reticent these past few days, oscillating between unbridled joy, barely leashed fury and dark sorrows. Perhaps it is only human to have these feelings, but as Yushaa so aptly put it, 'You have mood swings EVERYDAY!' Haha. *rolls eyes* Mother Earth has spoken. As another cold and barren winter ends, I prepare myself for the changing of the seasons. I passed by NAFA today. A thought slipped through my mind. 'Can I make it in? Are my skills good enough?' And then I realised...I am a free spirit. I can never be tied down to one place. Maybe drift here and there, but I am weightless, ethereal and I am not meant to live life chained to an expressionless existence. And now I see eyes squinching. Riiight. I feel sparkly tonight, and it's not because of the last remaining bottle of Long Island Tea. Heh. Well, it is up to me which direction my life flows. I create the flow; I shouldn't trust it to create my future. =) Thanks, people who have spread cheer into my life.
Spring has arrived in all its glory. Time to begin yet another story.

Psychic Melody

People who know me, who have spoken to me...tell me this: what do you perceive of me? You are the mirrors that reflect who I am. As dark melodies weave their way through my darkened lair, I still my mind in hopes of peace. It is nice to know that not all in the family shun me for being gay. I still have a lingering headache, but the darkness of night seems to soothe me. I have a gory fairytale to share this evening. Settle down, kids. Once upon a time, there lived an old man who resided on the outskirts of a little village. Every night, he would hear the melodic tunes of nightingales who serenaded the velvet skies when the sandman appeared to do his work. Intrigued by the alluring songs, he captured a nightingale one fine night, and commanded her to sing for him even during the day. But the nightingale, shaking with fright, replied that she would only sing when darkness fell. Now this old man was something of a psychotic genius, so he plunged two heated needles into the nightingale's eyes, blinding her forever. To the nightingale, it appeared eternal night had fallen, and this to her was paradise. So she sang with every breath she took, by day and night. She sang and sang, until her strength failed her and she fell to the dust, dead. There are many lessons one can learn from this grim tale. Make of it what you will. Draw parallels if you wish to; it is up to you. Think before you plunge the needles because your selfish greed overpowered your rational side.
I've given up on us. It was never meant to last.

Psychic Jolt

I saw something which gave me a shock. Now words swirl uselessly through my head, and I have no idea what to say or do regarding this situation. All the things I could have said, all the things I could have done...but I sat by and watched the world slip away. My own stupidity amazes me. I am still so stunned my fingers are trembling over the keyboard. The worst mistake a man can do is hesitate. In that moment, a breath too long, everything can change beyond recognition. If I could take it back, rewind time to that one singular moment that changed my life, I would. I would. If I could erase all the moments of bitterness, of mistrust, of pain, I would. But it's too late. I hesitated, and in that one moment of time, you slipped out the door.
Short-circuit my heart.

Psychic Darkening

Illusions fascinate me. Dreams amuse me. Fools' mirrors of desire that shatter at the slightest pressure. I can and I will darken this place I call my own. Bobby used to call me a night elf, mostly because of my pointed ears and the eerie music I adore so much. Even Aiman got spooked by the background music. Many friends can only think of one word to describe me. Mysterious. Why? With so much pressure mounting, and so many illusions unweaving, I realise I would rather be blind than see truth. I would rather be deaf than hear these words. Of course, no one will really know if this current wave of darkness that engulfs me is yet another illusion of my making. I have but one chance to set things right. To the people I've hurt in the past, I can only offer my apologies, but I know it will not erase the pain I've caused. This endless waltz tires me. Even worse, I've been haunted by images of a terrible death in my dreams, in my waking hours. I see her face; I see her shattered dreams, I see her death. I do not know how to banish this spirit that stalks my dreams. I've grown increasingly dark and enigmatic. While I do not know if this is a bad thing in itself, I do know that my reticence will set many teeth grinding. My resolve cannot be broken, I will weave an illusion of light to conceal the darkness that I feel. I speak in riddles, and I fear I will never be able to give a straight answer. I will use the upcoming weekend to darken my space.
Bring back the illusion of contentment.

Psychic Lockdown

I won't break my promise to Seif; no more liquor. But I shall withdraw into this dark castle I call home. I shall fill it with darkness, and I shall be at peace. No one can enter, and I will not leave.
Leave me alone in this dark palace to wander these dark halls alone.

Psychic River

The river leads to the sea. A timeless glittering sapphire that contains many facets of life. I have unwittingly sealed myself off to the general fate of thinkers. We think. But often, we cannot transform our thoughts into actions. My tears make up that river. A river of regrets, a lifetime of heartbreaks, and an illusion of depth and beauty. I cannot show my self. I live in a crazy world of mirrors and illusions, and now for the first time I realise I am lost. If I follow this river of tears, I will find myself at an ocean of disappointments and hurt. I cannot look above for help; I know I have been condemned. I cannot look down for assistance; my soul is too shattered to sell. I have doubts in myself. Swim sailor, and row for the shore! Well, I am no sailor, and there is no shore in sight. My mind is expanding but my vision fails me. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. Time, my greatest adversary, mocks me as he rushes past on his endless quest to end. I cannot watch the clock and watch as my life dwindles away. The only river it appears I can follow now is the river Styx. My whole life has been about shadow and darkness, illusions that are often easier than truth. I cannot keep fighting my inner demons; they're too artful to be vanquished. This struggle to live drains me more than I can say. Words fail me.
I saw a phantom from my past this morning as I was bursting with life and hope. No words were spoken; none were needed. I fell. At this crucial time, I fell. An angel without wings can hardly fly. What am I? I cannot open my heart. I CANNOT OPEN MY HEART. It hurts me physically to examine my own heart. Do I love? Can I let hope in? Can I finally be free of the shadowed memories that still haunts me? Why, Alex. Why. Today of all days...why did you have to cross my path?! Let me run away. I want to hide in forests green and rich, where sunlight sparkles down in a dizzying pattern, illuminating me with its light. I want to lie on my back on a vast meadow and watch the blue clouds go by over me as a light wind ruffles my hair. I want to be alone, where no one will judge or hurt or break or die. I want to stand on top of a high cliff and watch eagles soar in joyous freedom, and laugh in glee as they wheel and spin, masters of their element. I want to sleep at night in harmony with the earth as it renews what has been taken. I want to be freed of the shackles of time, to be free to think and live. I lie in this crypt, watching as darkness claims what's left of my soul, uncaring at last. I witnessed another death. A gruesome one. I am sorry for the person who passed on in front of my eyes, but I no longer feel emphatic pain. I lie alone, resigned to my fate as ravens hover over my dying self.
Gabriel, come down and take my hand.

Psychic Promise

As the weekend descends upon me, and imminent examinations threaten to shorten my already severely compromised lifespan, I find myself more caught up in mending loose knots and broken friendships. I cannot wind back time, although on many occasions I find myself wishing that I can. If I could have a superpower, I would like to be able to freeze time. Once I've reached the pinnacle of success, of happiness. To be frozen in time forever, in that state of pure bliss...at the moment, however, contentment has deserted me in favor of mindless despair and rabid paranoia. Now, before you run off with some skewed perception of me, know that my instincts are above average. I know when threads will part seconds before they do. I see the strains on the entire weaving moments before it all falls apart. And now I have observed the warning signs which have accumulated over the months. If you want me to be straight (ironically), then let me just say that I see, I watch, I observe, I know. But there is nothing I can do to change Fate's path. I'm a silent observer in the game of life. I've gotten so used to it that usually I'll just watch the person fade away into a fog of obscurity. I used to have faith in my intelligence, in my knowledge and breeze through obstacles like a hot knife through butter. These obstacles only served to slow me down, but they couldn't stop me. Well, now they've succeeded. If I fail this year, the only trump card I have left, then I've lost the game. Oddly enough, I feel the pressure, but there are other things I have to resolve too. I've made a commitment to the people who care about me to start caring about myself. I cannot live life with my head in the clouds, building castles on false hopes and unreachable dreams. Seif, I'll stop drinking. For real. Yushaa, Phoebe, Elina...I'll try my hardest to ace the exams. Aimi, we'll get over our broken hearts together. Kit...nothing either of us says now can erase the pain of what we both did and said in the past. I get that now. And I'm sorry we have to walk away from each other. But I will. I will do what you asked me to do. I will be happy. But these emotions I have for you will not die easily. And that pains me more than what you've said and done.
Spread my wings and let me fly;it's my turn to touch the sky.