Psychic Contemplation

I am too tired to sleep. Paradox? That's me. It takes a conscious effort for me to close my eyes and still my mind enough for me to drift off. Most nights I don't even bother trying until I just collapse somewhere and sleep till goodness knows when. I cannot keep to a routine, even for something as trivial as sleep. So I give up. I will sleep when my body gives out. I refuse to see another doctor, or set foot in another hospital as long as I live. I will not go. Am I the only guy who cries when I see a healthy tree green and lush with life, its leaves so rich and vibrant it gives me strength? Am I the only person in this world who can pick up emotions from people so strong I have to close my eyes to steady myself? In this world of superficiality, I find myself lost. I go to gardens, I walk by reservoirs of water, and yet I find myself alone in my walks with nature. People pass by plants and trees with hardly a glance, not caring that these are symbols of strength and tenacity, symbols of longevity even. Most trees will probably outlive them. I can be pretty superficial when the time comes (sale!) but I do not overlook these aspects of life. Why am I so alone in this? People walk past, people live lives, but I find myself suspended in time. I can spend hours, days even, in a respectable garden with only music and greeneries. I think I'm in the wrong era. There is so much to learn from nature! The diversity of life, the flexibility of a willow tree, (learn to bend before you break, and when you bend, you find there is no need to break). The steady calm strength of a sturdy oak. How a diminutive plant can be deceptively dangerous, it never ceases to amaze me. Yet this is the nature of man, where ignorance is the greatest disease, more so than all the flus put together. I am thankful that each of my houses lies in close proximity to nature. Speaking of which, I miss my Baby. =( I think that's why I've been so depressed. Regardless, I'm going to Sembawang this weekend. I don't think I fit in with teenagers my age...I hardly know the latest singers until they become obsolete, I don't discuss topics they do, and when I do talk to them, they will give me blank looks and an awkward silence will set in. *sigh* I don't know what teenagers these days talk about. The latest rock star? I laugh at them when they get excited en masse about things like soccer tournaments or the latest concerts. Such things are fleeting. They come and go. But some experiences, like love, a profound epiphany...these hang like shining drops of silver intertwined in the fabric of a person's life. It is easy for me to spill these thoughts out on paper or on the computer, but when I'm face to face with another person my age...I only dwell on the lighter sides of life. When will I find that person who will understand the subtle nuances in my sentences? *sigh* My interests lie so far away from the field of normalcy! I am keen on Latin, I study the paranormal with startling zeal, I've developed theories of my own on the existence of paranormal phenomena. I learn interesting facts about herbs, what to use for what ailments...even among gay people, I find I don't fit in. So where do I fit? People who read my writings find it hard to reconcile the author and who I am in real life. In real life, face to face, I do not dwell on philosophy, or on paranormal themes. Perhaps...someday. Meanwhile, I'm content to be surrounded by the coolness of lush greens and ponder the intricacies of life.