Psychic Parting

As I hold the blade and press it against the weaving, tears run down my face. Three years of running, three years of hoping, three years of pain...and this is what it comes down to. His questions linger on like sweet promises of oblivion around me. It hurts so much to say goodbye. And it hurts even more to know that I've spent the last 3 years pining away needlessly. Today I mourn the passing of another illusion as it dissipates into dust. I'm hurting you just by loving you, J. The threads snap before the silver knife, and fall lightly to nothingness. A beautiful tapestry torn to shreds. The pain sears me, and suddenly...I am the weaving. The threads are my flesh and blood, cruelly ripped to pieces and colouring the ground upon which I stand. It hurts to say goodbye to you. Believe me that, even if you don't believe the strength of my emotion. It will never pass through my lips, I will never tell you how much I feel. It doesn't matter. This fire will consume me, as all wild fires do. They burn and turn on their creators. I give up. But there will be no white flag. I captained this ship even as it began its 3 year descent into the whirlpools of life. I shall go down with it. This is my last posting on this blog. I think it is unnecessary for me to maintain this extension of my self anymore, not when I'm already cutting of everything that burdens me. I've lived for my piano, for my music, for my love of music and J. And now I'm giving up on both. I have accomplished everything I've ever wanted to do. Experienced emotion in all its bittersweet extremes, lived my life as I wanted. To my three girls, you've done enough. I'm sorry it has to end this way, so abruptly and without warning...but then, that's life. I've had enough of it. I've seen what happened to Chris. And somehow...I don't care. Yushaa, I asked you if you saw parallels between us because I feel a strange connection to him. Proficient in English, misunderstood by so many people, tired of life, tired of living. He prevented me from dying, and I'm really grateful for that. No one could help him. No one can help me, either. Hearts that have been closed cannot be redeemed, and I'm closing mine off. Don't let them erase anything I've ever loved. Thanks, Phoebe...for having had the heart to share my passion with me. Everything musical, games even...we shared it all. I didn't realise until today how much I actually treasure our times together, whether in the piano room, on the computer squabbling, or at the card table. The tears threaten to choke me. Elina, for always cheering me up simply by being there with crappy B-grade movies and your dry wit. I'll meet Seif one last time, and clear up everything I've been holding back. I'll tie up loose ends. I guess I'll be in tears forever, unless I do something drastic to end my pain. I chose this path, all the way until the end.
J, it was never your fault. Stop thinking about the past, and move on, my sweet boy. The fault lies entirely with me. Let go of the past, as I'm letting go of the ties that still bind me here. Promise me you'll laugh always, everyday, for the sheer joy you feel in living. I do this for selfish reasons, to end the pain I feel when I've lost everything I've loved. I'm tired of losing, so now I'm making my final move.