Psychic Breakdown
Whisperings of my heart:
It's strange the pathways a person's life can take. A few months ago, I couldn't imagine life without him by my side. My guardian angel. My angel is no more, fallen from grace. He's wrested his freedom out of my hands. I can no longer tie him down to me. He's free to fly. And I know, this bird will not return to its nest. Never ever. The memories nauseate me, threaten to choke me. But with his freedom comes mine. I am free. And that freedom scares me. Knowing that there will no longer be a divine presence to keep me from falling over the edge. No one to lift me up in my moments of darkness. I am, for the first time in two years, truly alone. It is hard to even begin to comprehend the sacrifices I made to save this relationship. I'm not sure if I am to be regretful for my mistakes, if any. But when I consider what he's said and done, every hurtful word that splintered my heart, I almost hate him. Why? How could something so sweet grow so bitter and cold? I looked forward to each day, because I knew it would be one more day with him walking beside me. But he's gone now. And I no longer have anything to look forward to. Except my empty existence. What cuts me is that I CHOSE to share what I had with him. And now everything I see, everything I touch is tainted with memories of him, of us. It's like rubbing salt in the proverbial wound. I can only hope that he looks back on us, on the times we spent together with fondness, not hatred. It's funny, really. We shared a special connection. We even shared a bed. But through it all, he kept insisting he has no feelings for me. And it is this part which damns me the most. Was every loving word or gesture on his part forced? All a ploy to gain my trust? For what purpose? I want to hate him. I have to! If not, I'll only fall deeper. I really, really do not want to revert to my old self. The one with cold walls of darkness to hide and protect me. I want to live and walk in the sun, like how he taught me to. And if possible, I pray he'll come back. I pray. And hope. And when even faith and hope have deserted me, I shall truly be lost.
Forgive me if I have disappointed you.
It's strange the pathways a person's life can take. A few months ago, I couldn't imagine life without him by my side. My guardian angel. My angel is no more, fallen from grace. He's wrested his freedom out of my hands. I can no longer tie him down to me. He's free to fly. And I know, this bird will not return to its nest. Never ever. The memories nauseate me, threaten to choke me. But with his freedom comes mine. I am free. And that freedom scares me. Knowing that there will no longer be a divine presence to keep me from falling over the edge. No one to lift me up in my moments of darkness. I am, for the first time in two years, truly alone. It is hard to even begin to comprehend the sacrifices I made to save this relationship. I'm not sure if I am to be regretful for my mistakes, if any. But when I consider what he's said and done, every hurtful word that splintered my heart, I almost hate him. Why? How could something so sweet grow so bitter and cold? I looked forward to each day, because I knew it would be one more day with him walking beside me. But he's gone now. And I no longer have anything to look forward to. Except my empty existence. What cuts me is that I CHOSE to share what I had with him. And now everything I see, everything I touch is tainted with memories of him, of us. It's like rubbing salt in the proverbial wound. I can only hope that he looks back on us, on the times we spent together with fondness, not hatred. It's funny, really. We shared a special connection. We even shared a bed. But through it all, he kept insisting he has no feelings for me. And it is this part which damns me the most. Was every loving word or gesture on his part forced? All a ploy to gain my trust? For what purpose? I want to hate him. I have to! If not, I'll only fall deeper. I really, really do not want to revert to my old self. The one with cold walls of darkness to hide and protect me. I want to live and walk in the sun, like how he taught me to. And if possible, I pray he'll come back. I pray. And hope. And when even faith and hope have deserted me, I shall truly be lost.
Forgive me if I have disappointed you.
posted by fallen angel at 2:21 AM
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