Psychic Phenomenon

There are times when I'm grateful for my preternatural senses. People label it 'sixth sense' or 'psychic' or some other such name. I skirt the issue with jokes and humour, yet deep down, when it counts, I know my instincts will bail me out. I can detect falsehood a mile away, I mentally gauge a person and yet, it is my ability to sense emotions that I prize the most, and one which has never failed. At first, I assumed it to be a result of my intense observations of the people around me, and I still think this is a factor. Yet I can sense a person's emotion without even looking at them, and this puzzles me because it implies a sense that is non-physical. Something I think I'm not ready to accept yet. I have not met anyone else who shares this sensitivity, and I know this knowledge will set certain people on edge when I'm around. I can sometimes complete my friends' sentences, and while I know what they want, I do not like to say it out loud for them. They must retain that control. I have tracked people down in the middle of the night, animals even, and yet, I hesitate to involve myself emotionally in such a situation. I do not have a name for such an ability, nor do I believe this phenomenon to be purely 'psychic.' I laugh when I come across fortune-tellers in magazines, I scoff at telephone psychics. And yet... my fascination runs so much deeper. I do not see auras, I do not read minds the way a person reads books. Yet...it is instinctive, when someone is in trouble, the very air tightens and I know it seconds before the phone rings. Of course, courtesy dictates that I wait for the information to be volunteered willingly, and not ask directly like some ill-mannered cretin who has to poke his nose in everyone's business. I have read on this subject, and seen the pseudo-scientific experiments 'scientists' are supposed to have conducted. Yet how did air come to be defined? Something so insubstantial, and yet so very real? How will the term 'psychic' be defined? One who senses? This is a question that still plagues me on days when I realise my instincts are needed, not just for my own survival, but for the sake of others who need me. Many nights I have gone down when Baby my cat was missing, pulled by nothing other than instinct and found him in seconds. While there are times when such sensitivity is a pain, especially at locations of pain and suffering, I do wonder...what causes this? *tilts head* I have experienced percentages of 287% to 400% 'psychic' activity when I play around with the tests. But I usually laugh it off as miscalculations or leading questions, which happens with so many tests. But every now and again...something weird happens that makes me question my skeptical view on such phenomenon. I shall withhold details of the weirdness that abounded today, and cross my fingers in hopes that the problems I sense tomorrow will not come to pass.
Indigo child? Psychic? Sensitive? Rubbish. There's an explanation for everything.

Psychic Flashback

When I'm upset, I oscillate between extreme bingeing and extreme starvation. Either my stomach demands attention, or it just vanishes. Tonight the moon is a pale shadow of her usual beauty, as she waxes towards full. As I watch the cycles of the world I live in, I wonder when I'll end my barren season. *sigh* Let's not have deep thoughts tonight. I watched Sex And The City with Yushaa, Phoebe and Tiffany in this opulent palace where every prince dreams of growing up in. We had dinner, and opened a bottle of Shiraz. Listened to Lisa Ono's C'est Si Bon and La Vie En Rose. *melts* Then we went to start the car to make sure it doesn't stall, afterwhich we munched on chips and ginger cookies while watching one of the best shows ever written. Then it was home sweet home. And voila! Here I am. I've been quietly stressing over my family situation. I blew up at my mum for always doing things at the last minute (big surprise there). I know Yushaa would disagree; I can just hear her now. "You call that blowing up? Through SMS ah?" Then she'll quirk her eyebrow, which just so happens to be my trademark, I'll have you know. Mr Lawrence once held his finger over my eyebrow while talking to me, cuz it kept twitching whenever I bit back a sarcastic retort. Hah. I was waiting at the bus-stop for my bus, and somehow...something about tonight triggered a flashback. All the sweetness, the bitterness, the souring of something so intimately special to me. I think I'll go binge some more before this post becomes a long-winded load of hot air that reeks of hope and undying love. Both of which currently disgust me. No offence to optimists and couples. Wait, are there any left? Hmm. Oops. I was supposed to have called Kenneth ten minutes ago. Well...adios. Amigos para siempre. Love may come and go, but we'll always have each other, my friends. =) You guys know who you are.
He came down from the heavens, and the earth was lit up by his glory.

Psychic Night

I've spent the night in mental silence, just enjoying the quiet stillness that only night can bring. As I closed my eyes, not against the darkness, never against it, just for a brief respite from the exhaustion that still plagues me, I wondered at the phantoms that dance in the shadows. These phantoms will vanish in a cloud of obscurity given time, and newer ones will take their place. It is a never-ending cycle, and an intricate dance that both fascinates and scares me. I drifted in and out of sleep, content to let my mind wander unfocused. Words from my past, whispers of the future threaded their way through my mind and heart, both open and unguarded today. Both friends and kin have commented that I'm always guarded and mysterious. They have yet to see me at night, when the darkness makes all defenses useless. Or perhaps, it offers its own brand of protection. I revel in the veil of shadows, in the hidden secrets of the night. The timeless dance of night and day holds valuable lessons for those who choose to look. *thoughtful* As I reach the hour of dawn, when night blends into day and darkness recedes for the moment, I wonder if...under the same blanket of stars, he too wonders at the passage of time. We've all grown. Yet somehow, I feel frozen in place. Everyone has moved, and destiny moves with them, altering strands of fate when necessary. I feel like something is just a breath away, just out of my grasp. It's the same feeling you get when you stand on a cliff. That breathless feeling, that sensation that the next big break is around the next corner. I've done my fair share of evolution. Will it be enough? The silence of night does nothing to dispel my illusions. Perhaps that is why I'm a creature of eternal night. As people around me slumber, I am content to allow my mind to weave illusions of an ideal world. I sense even Phoebe is growing frustrated with my idealistic views. The feeling of detachment ebbs and flows. But like the ocean surf, it is still everpresent. I can observe the world spin on its axis, but somehow...I don't feel a connection to the world I live in. The panic that people feel as deadlines loom is lost on me. The stress and pressure they feel is alien to me. And after so long, many thoughts later, I arrive in the same place I was at years ago. *tilts head* I still feel detached. I could wander through the hallways of time, visit each different era, but I sense that in any time, people like me do not belong to society in the conventional ways. We are far too different. That I am different from my friends and family I have no doubt. It has been proven time and time again. There are two kinds of people in situations like this. Those who shun what they deem different out of fear, and those who stay out of curiosity. *tilts head* I believe I owe Phoebe an explanation. So here it is, plain and simple. I feared hospitals because I could sense the pain of patients there and scent death in those places. While that fear no longer has power over me, I will not step into another hospital as long as I live. I still dislike it when people touch my veins. It sends shivers up my spine. *thoughtful* Night is fading fast as the sun peeks over the horizon. I believe it is time for me to fade away as well.
Michael, your name has been resounding in my heart.

Psychic Rush

I went to Yushaa's house for Christmas. It was excellent. I love her mom's spaghetti sauce. Stayed the night with Elina, Phoebes, and Jeremy Chua. I think I had too much to eat that night, which is why my stomach rebelled the following morning. But the food was delish! The next day was all downhill from there. I spent the first part watching Michael Buble's concert and Rumour Has It with Yushaa. Then at night, my mom called and asked me to go home. She asked me to stay over. *sigh* So I went over, expecting her to have finished writing her table. So I thought all that was left for me to do was print the bloody thing, afterwhich I could go home and rest. But no...she hadn't even started. I reached there at 10pm. She came home half an hour later, and 4 freaking hours later, at 2:30 in the morning, I was still there. In all that time, I realized the cable for the printer was fried, the printer's ink was dangerously low, and that Microsoft had expired on me. With my temper at an all-time high, I finally decided to wave my hand and pulled a solution out of thin air. It was either that or explode and collapse from sheer exhaustion. I wrote down explicit instructions on how to do the whole technological dance, took a cab home at 3:30 in the morning, told my mom to leave her computer running, and rushed through the whole shebang on MY computer. Then of course, more screw-ups followed. Auntie Gigie couldn't sign in with my account, because of course, Starhub had to have a disruption in their connections. Gritting my teeth, I put her on hold while I explained the situation to my mom. So in the end, at 5am, I e-mailed my cousin Adli with the documents and an explanation. His mom works near my mom's place, you see. So hopefully my aunt has printed them out and handed it to my mom. I really cannot understand why she would want to rush through the whole thing at the last damned minute! She had a whole week to plan this! And she expects me to bring forth magic from my fingertips. *sigh* Alright. I'm going to toodle off to bed now. Thanks Kai, Yushaa, Phoebes for the comfort and support last night. =/
Could this be it?

Psychic Festivities

Well well. Christmas is upon us. A whirlwind of activity and frantic last minute shopping. Today shall see me trying to balance a million things on my mind and fit a zillion places into my schedule. *sigh* I've been a good boy this year, Santa. Can I have him back please? *puppy eyes* Although I don't think St. Nick would approve of homosexual liasons. So anyway, my heart is thudding with apprehension. The old year has several black marks that will be carried over to the new one. Think accounting. Balance carried down. But anyway, as I've said, my troubles shall not be dealt with until the 26th. =) This is a rare period where I shall balance out my mind and heart. Tonight the nymphs of nature beckon...I want to be among the wet leaves and trees and be enveloped in nature's soothing embrace. Oh, speaking of nature, I had an encounter with a frightful monster today! Yushaa's dog Oreo chased me down the corridor, barking madly and frightening my inner feline. I growled at him, and he ran off with his tail a-wagging. Jabba the hutt just toddled here and there, obviously lost in his own world. Oreo gave me a serious scare when he squeezed through the gates and ran at me. Small dogs don't like me, although huskies love me! I remember Don from the pet shop! He's so friendly and affectionate! <3 He'd come and nuzzle me when I walked into the shop. I prefer Don rather than Joey, although both were so adorable! But the shop closed down...*sigh* Fate...the unfathomable enigma...what have you got in store for the upcoming year? Alright. I'm going off to slay demons on battle.net. Kai's not online. *sulks* No one I wanna talk to is. Hmph. I'm gonna collect extra big hugs from all you MIA people.
Merry Christmas!

Psychic Warmth

Yesterday was a cold day weather-wise, but warmth surrounded me. I went out with Kelly, Bobby and Benny to Bishan's J8, then we zipped off to town to explore and check out the prices of the green Ipod Nano. Bumped into Vera and Sam. I almost lost my head and tried to U-turn in a sea of crowded people in the middle of the busy street, scaring the people I was with. *ahem* But I was nice, I waved a hello. And I think I smiled. I remember contorting my face. Then at Yamaha, we bumped into Terence and G. Nice to see familiar faces. =) The pianos there are passable...but don't really appeal to me. Too light in touch and tone. Kelly's brother Stephen joined us. He's a jolly little fellow of about 12. We went to the arcade, and had a blast. My ears are still ringing from all that noise and techno songs aplenty. Then we went for dinner, but I wasn't feeling hungry then so I didn't eat. At around nine-ish, I went off to meet Yushaa at Plaza Singapura. We swooped around the mall looking for wrapping paper. Or at least we were supposed to, but we got spectacularly distracted by shops like Times and Body Shop. We ran into Fiona and Zhi Wei, both of whom looked shellshocked at who I am now. Haha. I'm not surprised. I get that a lot these days from old friends. Zhi Wei actually thought I was a reborn hetero and that Yushaa was my girlfriend, before I set him straight, pun very much intended. Wished them both a cheery Merry Christmas and we went off to Kovan for dinner. I got sprayed with some scent from Body Shop, and I was literally sparkling when we got on the MRT. I had glitter all over me! We had a teeny tiny mini argument over whether to sit in the cool air-conditioned comfort of the cushy seats inside, or outside in the hot, stiflingly humid night air with no rain to cool the heat. Of course, being a gentleman *coughs*, I acceded to my lady's request to sit outside. As we munched on our meal, Poh Nien walked past. Not five minutes later, Aintron went by with his gang. As it was, I ended my day extremely late, reaching home around 1 in the morning. Considered going to battle.net to pound monsters, but in the end I called Yushaa at 3 after ending my conversation with Kai. We chatted till late, and I lulled her into sleep with my nice library of music. =P Aww...Then I listened to music till 6, and Hayley Westenra calmed my mind. And now here I am! Contemplating going home...*tilts head* Perhaps.
As the sea falls from the shore, as the light sinks low will I see you anymore?

Psychic Insomnia

I can't sleep. Don't want to anyway. This is gonna be one of those days. Where I'll zip around town with no sleep and way too much energy before I collapse somewhere. *sigh* Ever had that feeling, when you build a house of cards? And you sense that at any moment it's gonna fall to pieces, leaving you with the bitter taste of disappointment? The stars are obscured by the clouds...the chill leaves nothing untouched. For once, I wish to turn away from the sun as it rises, a magnificent ball of fire that burns the mists of dawn away. Let me face my shadows instead of turning to the light. This darkness that has gripped my heart cannot be swayed, nor do I even wish to attempt to dispel it. Yet as I lower my head in silent prayer, to angels who steer clear of the darkness that cloaks my soul, I feel a spark, a tiny glint of hope. I am one who is much affected by emotion, whether it comes from within or without. Others may flee from darkness, from the night that so frightens them, but I embrace the cool veil of obscurity. Illusions do not matter when one is blind. And yes, I prefer that my heart be blind rather than be drawn in by illusions and false hopes. The absolute darkness does not scare me. White can appear black when the light is blinding. So you see, nothing is as it seems. I have no ability to halt the sun in its tracks, though, and dawn approaches. A new day, or so they say. What are days to one such as me? I have entire years at my disposal, and like the rich who do not know what to do with their money, I spend my wealth of time recklessly. Thoughts skitter at the edge of my mind, chasing one another and tumbling head over heels. Yes...I think I shall pay a visit to my piano today. It has been too long since I've played with a heart full of emotion. I grow weary of this endless game of life. Where are the thinkers? I am sorry, but I cannot help thinking that the world I live in today has become routine. Like mindless ants that scurry around without stopping to think, or admire the beauty that nature holds in the palm of her hand. And routines bore me more than anything else. The storm in my heart appears to have receded, at least for the moment. But I more than anyone else know how unpredictable the weather is. Ah. The hour of dawn approaches. Night draws away from the warm touch of the sun. The darkness, faithful friend that it is, fades. How wonderful it would be, if I could live in eternal night. But no. My cherished plants will die without the sunlight they crave so much. This is life. You cannot have one without the other. For the friends with souls of angels, those who enveloped me in warm love last night, thank you. No words can adequately express how much your gestures and words touched me. I face the new day battered and bruised, but very much alive. And that's saying something. *looks heavenward* It is amazing how the sun overpowers the stars in terms of brightness. Any astronomist will tell you it's because the sun is much nearer. So...with distance, the light grows weaker. We're too far away from each other, my love. Your light has all but faded. And mine nearly died last night. Perhaps it's time we moved in our own orbits. Yushaa, Melissa, Kai. Thank you very much. *bows*
Ah, Cupid...how you have cursed your old friend.

Psychic Pain

The world has come full circle. Can I bring you back? No. Can I deal with this pain? I thought I could. I'm sorry. I tried, I really did. I can disguise the pain in a myriad of ways, but really. My illusions melt before the light of reality. I won't mince my words. Here's the first time expletives make their appearance on my otherwise clean blog. I was a bastard. Yes. I agree. But sometimes, when I close my eyes, I fancy I can sense the faint scent of hope rising on the evening wind. When the night air is still, and the moonglow floods the earth, the phantoms of the past dance before my eyes. These are phantoms I fear I can never banish from my heart. There is no exorcism powerful enough to erase the feelings that have engulfed me. The dominant feeling that overwhelms me tonight is pain. Regret too. The wind is cold, but I do not shiver. This chill cuts to the bone, but yet it seems to go so much deeper. All I ever wanted was to love you. And in that respect, I've succeeded. But my love hurt you so much...was it worth it? No. As these tears fall, I hope they release you from the binding prison of my heart. And my conscience is clear. I gave you what you needed to be happy. I've carried this weight, this heavy burden around for a long time. Yet time has no value, no power over my heart. Its passage only makes this river of tears grow bigger. How long must I carry this cross? A year has passed. I tried to be strong, to keep the pain hidden away, seen only by the trees and my felines at night. I drew upon small comforts. I ventured out, I evolved. I've tried every trick I know to deal with the slow cancer that my love has become. Why? I have no idea what qualities you possess that enchants me so. But enchanted I am, and truly, my love, you have power over me. Tonight, as the year ages us all, you most of all, understand that this is our final goodbye. Our paths will never cross again. These words are the epitaph that marks the death of what we once had. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. *sighs and looks heavenwards* The stars are eternal...as is my love. I may walk away, but in my heart, there is a place that you will always hold. I will return to the grave to grieve what was lost, but these tears hold no promise for the future.
Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur. We may choose to love, but we do not choose to stop loving.

Psychic Winter

Truly, I believe winter has arrived in our usually sunny island. Not a white christmas, but still chilly nonetheless. Even in my usually warm room I'm wearing two shirts and I still feel cold. *sigh* Frostiness is in the air, and I'm not referring to the weather this time. I am inviting a firestorm if I continue to live a life shadowed by mystery and unseen by the sun. *tilts head* My frostiness has not melted after several weeks. *annoyed* I don't know why, but some people just rub me the wrong way. Of course, my silence is intended for me to take a mental breath and try and tame the fires that are threatening to race through my veins in that split second they piss me off. I usually succeed, but sometimes...see, the people who manage to irritate me are from the lower end of the IQ scale. Not that I am an IQ snob, but still...come on! Half the time people don't understand what I'm saying. Not that it's so hard to understand what I'm saying...or is it? O.o *pause* OMG! (Yes, kai. It's ok to say that. Lol) Kelly just called! Is it possible to expire from pure joy? Ah...the glorious birds herald the coming of Spring. True to life, the seasons are an endless cycle. Oh, and has anyone ever experienced the feeling that everyone on the bus keeps looking at you? *frowns* I did zip my jeans, didn't I?...HMM. Parting shot of the day: How do you pronounce annals? I once had a classmate who kept mispronouncing it during a lesson. Hehe. The 'anals' of history, I ask you. *shakes head* Yes, by all means. Do mutilate the English language. Alright. I'm off to bid goodbye to winter and obliterate monsters on battle.net. Kenneth! When're you rejoining Asia?

Psychic Ambivalence

I went home to blast away on the piano as usual...only to find that everyone at home had gone to the zoo. So I was alone, enjoyed the solitude, played my music without distractions. Finally added on more notes to a few scores. Nearly gave up halfway when my fingers rebelled on the keys, but persevered and finally completed my black file. Then I rushed off to Compass Point to meet the two guys, Benny and Bobby. We went to the crowded food court to scout for seats, then realised there were none and off we went to MOS. Thanks, Bob! =D It was nice to see you again after a few years. You've become so Jap! Benny's still the same. Haha. Tomorrow! Bring out the vodka, boys! Hahaha. Today is the release of N level results. *sigh* Congratulations to those who made it, and for those who didn't, it ain't the end of the world, man. People these days put too much stock in papers. Money, certificates, qualifications and what have you. Perhaps one day, they will realise the value of what's really inside a person's mind and heart. After all, such papers do not measure a person's true ability. The measure of a man, eh, Elina? =) But I know that day will come long after I'm gone, poofed into dust to be trodden on by my future descendants. I am worried about my results, perhaps not as much as I should be, but worried all the same. After all, my only wish is to speak of philosophies and play music for the rest of my life. Learn about the languages of the world, how they are interconnected, and maybe might have sprung from an original, common source. But such dreams are not meant to be, not in this materialistic world we live in. Touche, destiny. Touche. Now as the day winds down and night gears up for the nocturnal creatures and critters, I find the urge to wander down to the reservoir almost overwhelming. I am, after all, a creature of instinct. *muses* Ah, spontaneity, you have struck me again, you wily creature. OK! I'm off to wander the dark corridors of the night. Isn't it bliss? To hear the crickets' nocturne, spying bats and owls swooping past like silent phantoms...I have a deep affection for creatures of the night. =) Oh, just a parting thought. What if trees could talk? What wonders could they tell us? =) I think inspiration strikes better when you're bored. Hehe.

Psychic Departure

Well...it looks like change is glimmering beneath the surfaces, preparing to welcome the new year and give everything a new lease on life. I went home today and watched Monster-In-Law with my siblings and Auntie Gigie. Then I went to my piano...and proceeded to butcher all the songs I tried to play. My mind cannot focus today. *sigh* Auntie's relative has offered her an excellent opportunity. Apparently her aunt married some Greek guy and now resides in Canada. She's offering to bring Auntie Gigie over to Canada too. So Auntie can work there and study to advance herself. Auntie Gigie's gonna apply for Canadian citizenship too. I was unselfish. I told her to go. It's the chance of a lifetime! One in a million and what-have-you. But see, if she goes...I can no longer return home. Because once she's gone, I won't have any allies at home. Not that I can't fend for myself, but...it's just...so sudden. And I know that once she leaves, that place that I call home will never greet my eyes in quite the same way again. I will not return of my own volition. Why should I? When every memory I have there has been tainted by sadness and every negative feeling on the emotional spectrum of man? Of course, there have been positive sides too. We've talked about every subject under the sun. She's like the elder sister I never had. I would be lying if I said I want her to stay here. I'm not that kind of person. I want her to go, to experience the world through a new set of lenses. The experience will broaden her mind...but there's this tiny part of my mind that is whispering..."Why is everyone leaving?" I know...I've lost too many people, and I don't want to relive the pain by listing them all out here. I'll just ignore this pain and continue with my own life. Life goes on, dudes and dudettes. Life goes on. Well, I helped my dad clean the basement today. We stuffed some junk under the stairs after I got a lungful of dust and a healthy dose of cobwebs. I think my ties with my family are improving. *thoughtful* I guess...what you lose shall be replaced to hold the balance. To my aunt/sister/friend/confidante...may you be happy in your new life in Canada. Au revoir, and bon voyage.
My heart hurts from all these departures.

Psychic Resolution

The old year is dying, and the new one is waiting in line. As it dies, I hope I can shrug off the shell that I've lived in for so long. =) My inhibitions and fears shall slough off and melt away on the last day of the new year. After much thought, I have resolved to fix everything that I have broken; mend all the bridges that I've burnt. Of course, I can't fix everything. But the least I can do is try. Everyone around me is taking huge steps in life. My own path is stretched before me. I've taken the first few steps; laid down the foundation stones. All that needs to be done now is to build upon it. My courage may falter, my strength may fail. But I will fight my fate with tooth and nail. I cannot remain stagnant in relative isolation with only my music and my thoughts to accompany me. =) With the new year will come new trials and tribulations... the discovery of new friends, and the return of old ones. I feel a glimmer of my old spark returning. It's time to alter the strands of destiny. ;) Let it weave a better picture for the upcoming year. And may everyone (including me) grow in strength of heart and mind. For you, my psychic twin...I can only wait for so long. I cannot wait forever for you to decide. To quote one of my favourite singers, Joni Mitchell from the song Both Sides Now:
Oh, but now old friends, they're acting strange. They shake their heads and tell me that I have changed. Well, something's lost but something's gained in living every day.
Christmas is coming! It's the time of giving and loving!
I will cherish what we had, but my heart needs to be free to fly. Understand that this isn't our last goodbye.

Psychic Boredom

I went to Sembawang for the weekend. Had a very bad allergic reaction to one of the cats. So for 2-3 days, my eyes were red and puffy, my face was swollen and my throat was sore. Had a fever on the 2nd day, and Yushaa and Phoebe dropped by! So now they've officially done what no one has done before...they've been to my Sembawang sanctuary! =) I went home that night with Phoebe, but my sore throat/sore eyes plagues me still. Today Dom and Yushaa swung by. Had fun, wrestled with Dom over Yushaa...both figuratively and literally. (Battlenet went crazy, which is why I'm here, bored to death and trying to find something to do.) Oh, yeah. After six years of relative silence on the issue of my homosexuality, my dad finally gave his two cents' worth. We were walking outside some mall, then he saw this group of teens with ciggies in their mouths. Apparently that ticked him off, goodness knows why, and he turned to me and said, "I know you have preferences, but don't ever become like them. Without morals." Translation from dad-language, that means, "I know you're gay, but don't lose your moral values." Score one for perseverance! Of course, I kept my face blank but my heart was singing. He was about to say more, but we were interrupted when my brother whined about his PS2. So yeah. Somehow, I think my dad understands me more than my mum, but I usually only talk to her so I don't quite see that. *muses* Oh. Apparently MUSE is coming to Singapore. Uh. Pardon the many many topic jumps. I think I have extreme ADD. Now I'm sleepy, and the sandman has come for me. *sprinkles fairy dust* Is the sandman a fairy? I don't know. He sure doesn't keep to his schedule! The countdown begins! 5 more days till the 17th! *flutters off to sleep*

Psychic Turbulence

The day started off badly. I woke up late, bathed, got dressed and went home for a while. And then my reticent nature came around and smacked me on the butt when my mum went off on me. Saying how I never tell her what I'm up to and stuff like that. Well...you can hardly blame me. I'm not the type to lie just to assuage feelings. And then I just blurted out, "I'm different!" The silence was so thick, you could feel the air harden. Then she was like, "Is this about the gay thing?" Condescension dripped from every syllable. My temper ignited. What I meant was how I feel detached from people around me. But she apparently mistook it for me trying to tell her yet again that I'm gay. All the years of resentment, of pain, of loneliness swept me up and I found myself caught in an endless tirade. I spewed forth details of my life that I'd previously buried deep in my heart, away from their scrutiny. How my grades started slipping when I hit puberty and realised I wasn't normal by society's definition. How I rapidly withdrew from the people surrounding me, and the way I forgot how to smile. I held nothing back. The endless years of loneliness, of mental and emotional anguish. When everyone around me was blossoming, I tried to suppress what I felt. I restricted the growth of my self. She interrupted me to say, "You don't have enough experience." So what was it that I went through during that long period of darkness? It taught me to rely on my inner strength. I seldom show who I truly am to people I do not trust, and very few have gained entry into my heart. That is my experience. I learnt to balance my own mind, I learnt to deal with my own personal demons. The fight is still ongoing, I know. But I've never given up fighting. I told her how many times I came so close to ending everything, when I thought I couldn't go on anymore. It was hard back then. I was alone in my struggle. All those who knew me from before can vouch for how cold and detached I was from life. I observed from afar, and I resented my difference. It took me a long time before I came to accept myself. And no one shall take what I've worked so hard to achieve away from me. It took a long time for me to see that I had self-worth, that I had a right to live. When I tried telling my mum that science has shown that biological factors play a part in determining sexual orientation, she fired back, "That's the gay propoganda. That 'research' was done by gays! They're trying to legalise themselves." I am not a person who cries easily. But when faced with the insurmountable homophobia of my parents, it was all I could do not to cry from sheer frustration. What needles me is that undercurrent in their words, the one that implies, "I know I'm right." Our conversation was understandably very heated. So am I a failure in their eyes? I rose up to remove the veil of ignorance and homophobia that clouds her mind, but she would have none of it. I have worked hard to remove the feelings of self-hate and the disgust I had at my own instincts. It took me years to understand the concept of homosexuality. That word did not even exist in my vocabulary. All I knew was that I liked boys, and that from what the people around me said and did, it was wrong. I am eighteen. I cannot fight the 'experience' that time is supposed to bring to the older generations. I'm extending a plea to the younger ones. Will you understand? It took me years to rise up above the toxic cloud of homophobia that cloaks our society. Never mind homophobia. All kinds of discrimination must end.
On a lighter note, Phoebe danced her heart out at the concert following the fiasco with my parents. I've never been prouder of a friend. =) Although the company was questionable, and I wasn't really comfortable, I am glad that I went after all. That girl can dance! Kenneth, may you be blessed with healing and a speedy recovery. Yushaa, I've missed hanging out with you. =)
Look back on who I used to be with an open heart and mind.

Psychic Revival

These past few days have been a time of quiet contemplation for me. My nightmares appear to have receded. And the world continues spinning on its axis. I'm considering going home tomorrow to collect the stuff I left behind. Well, today actually, given that the hour is so late, it's early. Bobby's coming back on the 10th! *squeals* And Kelly is coming back on the 17th! Perhaps it's time to revive the circle of four. Me, Seif, Kenneth and Kelly. Those were the good old days...*wistful* I guess it's safe to say that all of us have changed from the naive teens we once were. I miss us. All of us picking on each other, debating topics that ranged from the people who managed to irk us to intellectual topics like God and religion. Of course we drifted apart, but the threads that once bonded us are everpresent. =) The geographical distance does nothing to diminish the closeness of our hearts, yeah? We're all back together. The silence I've enjoyed so much these past few days appears to have put me and my inner demons at peace. I'm not sure I even remember how to talk! Haha. Tomorrow I'm going back home to repair the other computer and grab some stuff that I left behind the last time I was there. Then I shall be welded to my piano seat until it's time for the dance concert with the lovely darlings. Perhaps with the passage of time...it might be possible to regain what I've lost? I can only hope. =) Here's to the revival of my spirit! And to the possibility of mending broken bridges...
My heart is whole once more.

Psychic Heat

Of course, there are those who try my patience, regardless of the subtle warnings I give them. I understand that each person has to be handled in a different way. When heat is infused with years of resentment...that creates a poison of such toxicity that I do not know if an antidote exists. A phone call in the middle of the night ended up in a shouting match. And now heat is racing through my veins, and I know I might just end up taking a long stroll along the reservoir tonight. I will structure my thoughts and hopefully tame the fires raging in my heart. It seems impossible that anyone can feel such a broad range of emotions all at the same time. *sigh* Kenneth's story of the nails and fence comes back to haunt me at occasions like this. Ah, I'm starting to feel more human. You know what this calls for? Long Island Tea. My nightmares of death still plague me, and I still have the complexities of the crush of humanity around me to deal with. *sigh* I dreamt of the man I watched die in front of my eyes. Surrounded by shattered glass, legs twisted at an unnatural angle, blood pooling around him. I cannot even begin to convey the sorrow and pain I feel for him. I hope the angels carried him away on wings of light and love. They say the angel of death is one of the most beautiful. *sigh* These problems drain me. Well, since they've managed to douse my fires for the time being, I can safely say they do some good after all.
Azrael, stop haunting me with visions of death.

Psychic Identification

While I had another nightmare, it appears I'm getting good at mentally blocking them from haunting my waking hours. I can barely recall the details now, but I'm sure my messy psyche will sort itself out in time. I was sorting through my collection of writings packed in four boxes under my table, and all the old memories flooded back. Some of happier times long gone, some of fights best left forgotten. Again, I cannot stress how long and difficult it was for me to learn that my gift with words and intuition cannot be taken lightly. I've learned to contain my temper, and while that leash is not unbreakable, it serves its purpose. I hope I will never again fly off the handle and destroy something that I cherish because I could in a fit of anger. As I write this and watch the night cloak the world in its comforting veil, I cannot help but wonder if ever I will find someone who can see the way I do. I agree that recently my instincts have been nothing short of frazzled. But still, when I stand under the dome of the heavens and look up at the twinkling stars in their eternal bed of velvet, I wonder if there is anyone out there who feels the way I do about the world, if perhaps our theories and philosophies regarding the world that surrounds us, both real and ethereal, share common threads. At times I feel that I'm wasting my time by being me...someone who thinks too much and does nothing at all, except think. And at other times, I feel pity for those who rush around without finding deeper meanings to their existences. These ovesized insects who rush around to fulfill their needs in the material world. Sometimes, when I'm out, and I see how they rush past small miracles, like an embattled flower that blooms in trampled grass, in outright defiance of fate, I cannot help but wonder if this is the fate of humanity. That we get so caught up in our own lives that we forget the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some hippie tree-hugger who goes around carrying placards with 'Save the earth!' on it. It's just...there are bigger things to think about. So why does it seem that I'm the only one who does? As our jungle changes from green to the dull grayness of concrete, I find myself wondering if in the process we lose our souls too. I cannot count the many times I've left home in the middle of the night to sit in a garden somewhere, surrounded by as many cats as I could attract. While they purred around me, and I watched the nocturnal creatures awaken, that for me was paradise. I could sit in comfortable companionship and mental calmness, while the affectionate creatures made me feel safe. At times I feel so out of place from this world where everyone is integrated into society. Where do I fit in? Perhaps every man has that question. Me with my eclectic mix of thoughts regarding God and his legion of angels, fallen or otherwise, my interest in things scattered through the broad spectrum of this world...I truly fail to see how I can connect with peers my age, or perhaps even older. I've tried to connect, but really, it seems all the people I've tried to mix with are conceited peacocks more interested in being popular with the 'in crowd'. Not one of them would even look at the multitude of nature's beauty surrounding them, being more concerned with their own. I am someone who can feel the energy in a song, I am someone who cries over dead trees in private. I am someone who sees death even with my eyes tightly closed. What does that make me? I end with a great sigh, not one of sadness, but one of contentment for the beauty of the night that envelops me now.
Gabriel, I trust you to be my guiding light in times of darkness.

Psychic Nightmare

I had a terrible nightmare that lasted ten hours. I was walking around with my family and people I knew. I think we had some function to attend. Then a little Chinese boy came up to me. Sweet and innocent and all. He asked me, "What is God?" His parents were Atheists. So I knelt down to his level and told him, "Your parents don't want me to talk to you about God." I said it in a nice tone. He looked bewildered, then he walked off the edge and jumped. *cries* I was screaming for someone to call an ambulance, but I knew he was already dead. His spirit was restless, and it haunted us all. Needless to say, from that point on, my nightmare grew steadily more violent. Why do all my dreams haunt me like this? Why do I always dream of suicides and death? What are they trying to say? Each broken body haunts my waking hours, each shattered soul pricks my heart. I don't want to sleep anymore.
Gabriel, what are you trying to tell me?

Psychic Conflict

There are some things I know for certain. There are some things I suspect. Dealing with suspicions requires patience. But patience wars with my instincts. To run, to flee. To confront, to seek answers to questions I never knew would emerge. But when I'm faced with the truth, it seems I cannot find the will to do anything but stare numbly at what I should have known. Truth comes in a myriad of disguises. I blame myself for not having foreseen this. Of course I knew. I just chose to ignore the inevitable. I am a master at illusions, presenting complex situations to mask a simple problem. Presenting people with what they want to see, rather than what they need to see. It appears I've managed to fool myself too. Right now all I want to do is run somewhere and drown my sorrows. If the heart is the instrument through which our soul speaks, why do people not listen? For months I've struggled with this decision. I've seen...I've heard bits and pieces that to me form a whole picture. Now this decision is in my hands. The consequences will weigh heavily on my shoulders. This is my burden, my cross. Allow me the grace to weave one final illusion before my strength fails me. One last desperate attempt.
Where do I go from here?