Psychic Turbulence

The day started off badly. I woke up late, bathed, got dressed and went home for a while. And then my reticent nature came around and smacked me on the butt when my mum went off on me. Saying how I never tell her what I'm up to and stuff like that. Well...you can hardly blame me. I'm not the type to lie just to assuage feelings. And then I just blurted out, "I'm different!" The silence was so thick, you could feel the air harden. Then she was like, "Is this about the gay thing?" Condescension dripped from every syllable. My temper ignited. What I meant was how I feel detached from people around me. But she apparently mistook it for me trying to tell her yet again that I'm gay. All the years of resentment, of pain, of loneliness swept me up and I found myself caught in an endless tirade. I spewed forth details of my life that I'd previously buried deep in my heart, away from their scrutiny. How my grades started slipping when I hit puberty and realised I wasn't normal by society's definition. How I rapidly withdrew from the people surrounding me, and the way I forgot how to smile. I held nothing back. The endless years of loneliness, of mental and emotional anguish. When everyone around me was blossoming, I tried to suppress what I felt. I restricted the growth of my self. She interrupted me to say, "You don't have enough experience." So what was it that I went through during that long period of darkness? It taught me to rely on my inner strength. I seldom show who I truly am to people I do not trust, and very few have gained entry into my heart. That is my experience. I learnt to balance my own mind, I learnt to deal with my own personal demons. The fight is still ongoing, I know. But I've never given up fighting. I told her how many times I came so close to ending everything, when I thought I couldn't go on anymore. It was hard back then. I was alone in my struggle. All those who knew me from before can vouch for how cold and detached I was from life. I observed from afar, and I resented my difference. It took me a long time before I came to accept myself. And no one shall take what I've worked so hard to achieve away from me. It took a long time for me to see that I had self-worth, that I had a right to live. When I tried telling my mum that science has shown that biological factors play a part in determining sexual orientation, she fired back, "That's the gay propoganda. That 'research' was done by gays! They're trying to legalise themselves." I am not a person who cries easily. But when faced with the insurmountable homophobia of my parents, it was all I could do not to cry from sheer frustration. What needles me is that undercurrent in their words, the one that implies, "I know I'm right." Our conversation was understandably very heated. So am I a failure in their eyes? I rose up to remove the veil of ignorance and homophobia that clouds her mind, but she would have none of it. I have worked hard to remove the feelings of self-hate and the disgust I had at my own instincts. It took me years to understand the concept of homosexuality. That word did not even exist in my vocabulary. All I knew was that I liked boys, and that from what the people around me said and did, it was wrong. I am eighteen. I cannot fight the 'experience' that time is supposed to bring to the older generations. I'm extending a plea to the younger ones. Will you understand? It took me years to rise up above the toxic cloud of homophobia that cloaks our society. Never mind homophobia. All kinds of discrimination must end.
On a lighter note, Phoebe danced her heart out at the concert following the fiasco with my parents. I've never been prouder of a friend. =) Although the company was questionable, and I wasn't really comfortable, I am glad that I went after all. That girl can dance! Kenneth, may you be blessed with healing and a speedy recovery. Yushaa, I've missed hanging out with you. =)
Look back on who I used to be with an open heart and mind.