Psychic Pain

The world has come full circle. Can I bring you back? No. Can I deal with this pain? I thought I could. I'm sorry. I tried, I really did. I can disguise the pain in a myriad of ways, but really. My illusions melt before the light of reality. I won't mince my words. Here's the first time expletives make their appearance on my otherwise clean blog. I was a bastard. Yes. I agree. But sometimes, when I close my eyes, I fancy I can sense the faint scent of hope rising on the evening wind. When the night air is still, and the moonglow floods the earth, the phantoms of the past dance before my eyes. These are phantoms I fear I can never banish from my heart. There is no exorcism powerful enough to erase the feelings that have engulfed me. The dominant feeling that overwhelms me tonight is pain. Regret too. The wind is cold, but I do not shiver. This chill cuts to the bone, but yet it seems to go so much deeper. All I ever wanted was to love you. And in that respect, I've succeeded. But my love hurt you so much...was it worth it? No. As these tears fall, I hope they release you from the binding prison of my heart. And my conscience is clear. I gave you what you needed to be happy. I've carried this weight, this heavy burden around for a long time. Yet time has no value, no power over my heart. Its passage only makes this river of tears grow bigger. How long must I carry this cross? A year has passed. I tried to be strong, to keep the pain hidden away, seen only by the trees and my felines at night. I drew upon small comforts. I ventured out, I evolved. I've tried every trick I know to deal with the slow cancer that my love has become. Why? I have no idea what qualities you possess that enchants me so. But enchanted I am, and truly, my love, you have power over me. Tonight, as the year ages us all, you most of all, understand that this is our final goodbye. Our paths will never cross again. These words are the epitaph that marks the death of what we once had. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. *sighs and looks heavenwards* The stars are eternal...as is my love. I may walk away, but in my heart, there is a place that you will always hold. I will return to the grave to grieve what was lost, but these tears hold no promise for the future.
Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur. We may choose to love, but we do not choose to stop loving.