Psychic Thirst

Night has descended upon the world, and I find myself growing increasingly restless. And thirsty. I regret having eaten, because now the food feels funny and alien as it travels down my body. It has also made me incredibly thirsty, and this thirst gives rise to a foreign hunger. I believe my stomach will empty itself in a few minutes, rejecting the suddenly inedible matter that I have ingested. I do not care. I need a nocturnal partner, one who will traverse these dark corridors by my side without flinching at each passing shadow, or cowering when an owl glides silently past, ghostly in all its white glory. The thirst makes me edgy and restless. Have I mentioned that? I have drunk enough to submerge the entire planet, yet it does nothing to sate my need. Shall I dress up for the night, then? And run until exhilaration replaces an unwanted thirst? The overgrown gardens that I have come to call my own beckon, the sly nymphs singing from among the sturdy trees, calling out to me. *sigh* Felines appear to avoid the reservoir, making me wonder. An ominous sign, perhaps? *wonders* I half fancy slipping out into the night, blending seamless with the shadows, a fleeting presence in the court of Night. Soon I will have no time for such luxuries. My nocturnal nature shall be shackled and bound by the rules that govern our society, such as it is. *sigh* I will rise and sleep with the sun. How unnatural! *indignant* My thirst has not faded, and I wonder what will make it go away. I've been pacing the house, back and forth. I would have worn a hole in my carpet, if I had carpets. The Night breezes are flirting with the trees, and suddenly I want to be out there, dancing among moonbeams and happy, twinkling stars. I belong out there, in the grandest court of all: the court of Night. Mortal worries fade away to nothingness as darkness cloaks the world. In time I will have to give it all up. *shakes head* I cannot. My bonds to the night are too firm and they go too deep. Perhaps two nights a week will suffice. Even if they incarcerate me in some God-forsaken camp in the name of patriotic loyalty, I will still have the weekends to enjoy my nights. *wistful* Although I wish it wouldn't be that way. *sigh* This cursed thirst will not leave me alone! And my stomach is rebelling against the food, threatening to spew it out. That's it. I'm going. I need fresh air, and a clear view of the skies to settle my physical self. I'm so damned thirsty, but I don't know why.

Psychic Unpredictability

Unpredictability. Is there such a word? *ponders* Well, if it exists, you'd find my portrait next to the definition in the dictionary. I have radically altered all my plans for the day on a whim. Snapped my fingers, and realised my mood was swinging in another direction. So...no parents today, although I contemplated going back to Sembawang. That idea is still an option. But no, I'm not going back to Paya Lebar. Don't feel like it. Hmm. Or do I? INDECISIVE! I'll be the death of me, I shall. And I'm addicted to Family Guy!! I need help! I'm beginning to talk like Stewie! Although that's not a bad thing. Yes. My mind is flitting around like a butterfly in a field of flowers. R is 'going to be busy' apparently. Yes, yes. In two weeks' time, he'll crumble and we'll go out and have 'lunch' again. X is doing the whole 'I'm so aloof you can't touch me...but I can!' thing. I've decided to put J on hold, at least until we both resolve our own issues. *rolls eyes* I'm blasting the Corrs on the stereo now. Die, vile neighbours! Ugh. The sun...the sun!! Crap. *hurries to block out sunlight* Maybe I should make the long and difficult trek down to Sembawang. Yes, cross the bloody continent out of boredom. Don't people get famous for that? 'I've trekked across half the world!' ME: 'I've gotten my butt out of the house! Rejoice!' *rolls eyes* Suddenly I wish I had a job. At least I would have something to do. Right now I'm talking about humping and cute guys on the phone with someone, and I can feel my attention starting to drift. There's the new Diablo ladder to look out for...and then there's the new Rasmus score I just realised I have, and then there are all the movies I want to watch, not to mention my snacks calling out to be consumed. I swear, Alice would be at home in my kitchen. "Eat me!", "Drink me!" Hmm. Yes. Next thing you know, caterpillars will be crawling through the windows for a chat. In case you haven't already gathered, I am extremely bored and I have no idea whatsoever what I'm going to do with my overabundance of time. I would go running, if there was someone to run with me tonight. *makes puppy eyes at Phoebe* I wonder if Minerva has completed her story...left me on a cliffhanger there, and I seem to have run into dead ends on my multiple compositions. So...today, what shall I do? I've moved on from The Corrs to The Smiths now, with a little bit of Dream Academy thrown into the mix. 'Let me, let me, let me get what I want...Lord knows it would be the first time...' Lovely song. Por favor, por favor, por favor...deixe-me, deixe-me...haha. So anyway...*clears throat* I have had my breakfast, a rarity in itself, and now I shall contemplate what to do before the sun completely drains my energy away.

Psychic Distraction

A slight brush, a light touch. I curled up on my bed with his scent warm around me, and my heart bursting with emotion. The tears were inconsequential. He wasn't there. Only his cologne lingered on, a haunting scent that clung to my sheets and pillows, reminding me of what used to be. *shakes head* It was a depressing night. I wasn't very well rested when morning came. Baby was still sleepy, and he curled up on the chair, ignoring my invitation to play. So I pounced on him, and we wrestled around the bed. Haha. That was fun, although the resulting allergies weren't. I knew that I had to escape before my throat closed up and ended up killing me, so I left to meet Yushaa and Elina at Tampines. The skies over Sembawang were grey and cloudy, overcast. It reflected my gloomy mood. But the skies cleared when I reached Tampines, and my mood lifted slightly. Going home and feeling the familiarity was both soothing and calming on my frazzled nerves. R asked me out over the weekend...but I declined. *sigh* The night has failed to tempt me. My eyes are still feeling hot and red, but I've already promised to go back to me parents' tomorrow. I do miss my piano. *sigh* Today was a wonderful distraction...just what I needed to pull my attention away from the dying gardens in my mind. The slim threads that connect me to my alphabets are withering away to nothingness. There IS a bright side, though. My healing rate has gone back to normal, and I've been extra careful not to let it dip below optimum. My most recent wound healed in one day. I nearly went to a doctor for that one. So...yay and all that. *sigh* I think I'll sleep tonight. Shuttling between the houses always knocks my biological clock off balance. I'll have to go to the Pink House tomorrow anyway. Bright and early, since the siblings are at school. The house is mine! *maniacal laughter* Well, on to other news...Diablo 2 will be restarting its ladder, meaning a new season shall arrive upon us players. Hmm...yes. Distract me!! Ah...my floor looks too inviting. So it's either sit in front of the computer and rot, or go crawl into my corner and sleep through the night. Tough decision. Ah, screw it. I have to go home, and I'm already feeling apprehensive. A good sleep shall prepare me for the worst. *readies fighting skills*

Psychic Grumpiness

I've been rolling around the floor since 6am, growing more and more irritable as the sun warmed the air. Now everything feels itchy and hot and closed, and I miss the cool breezes of night. I wanted to sleep, but it wasn't comfortable enough. I itch all over, and the sun's heat irritates me enough that I want to start throwing things around. I contemplated drugging myself to sleep with the prescriptions, but then I might overdose and accidentally kill myself. *rolls eyes* I'm tired beyond belief, but it seems I can't get my rest. My mind drifts off to a nice crypt somewhere, underground and cool and dark and wonderfully damp. But no...I have to get a room that faces the bloody sun as it rises. It burns me before I can even reach unconsciousness. Him with his golden rays, and overly optimistic ways. *sulks* Now I'm going to be cranky all day long, and I was planning to go to Sembawang with a full tank of sleep! Tsk. My claws will be extra sharp today. Good luck to everyone who crosses my path today. I'm blasting pop music, just to annoy the neighbours. I haven't decided when exactly to go off...*sigh* GIVE ME A REASON!!! Damn it. I feel hotter than ever, and I want a huge friggin thunderstorm like right now! Lightning and thunder and dark clouds to obscure that annoying monstrosity high in the sky. I need a storm. I need rain, I need darkness, I need coolness! I need night! *wails pathetically* At least the other nocturnal creatures have their dark, cool hidey holes. I have a lousy room that is completely open to the sun, even with the window completely draped over. Even worse, the sun's heat! *exclaims* It is unbearable! F***. I don't see how I can survive Baby's fur with this heat, although...Sembawang has more trees and shade, and the greeneries somehow make everything cooler. *screams* I want to sleep! But that woman out there keeps banging around, doing God knows what, and the sun is annoying me, and it is waaaaay too uncomfortable to sleep. *stomps around* I need a HUGE thunderstorm now. NOW! *roars* Stupid weather. Stupid heat. Stupid stupid world! Why can't everyone just be normal and sleep in the day?! INstead of being up and being loud? *growls* I'm getting crankier. I need a bath. A warm shower to soothe me and send me off to lala land. Stupid world. *grumbles* I haven't felt this grumpy in a long time. I repeat: STUPID WORLD! I want to sleep! STop being loud! Stop the sun from shining! ARGH!! *crawls under rock*

Psychic Headache

I'm dealing with a headache of epic proportions on this otherwise glorious morning. My boundless energy has gone down the great cosmic drain, and I feel sleepy and tired. Still...my duties for the day are clear. I have been avoiding these issues for far too long, and it is time to reclaim what I have lost. *sighs* First stop of the day...I'm returning the keys to the Pink House at Ah Soo. Next I have an outing with my new friend, who is apparently a closet crossdresser. We're off to buy him a wig and a dress. *tries not to roll eyes* I was initially irritated with his homophobic remarks, but then my attitude softened when he bared his soul to me. *sigh* Still, I cannot deny a man his right to evolution, and I'd like to think that I'm showing him a brighter and happier side to being gay. Hmm. Once we're done looking for his pink wig, I suppose we'll detour to his house and thrash each other on his game console. Then it's a short bus ride home, where hopefully I can collapse facedown on my corner and remain unmoving until the moon rises. Not to mention that I have to remember to make reservations for Thursday, 7-9pm, Phoebes! Baby has returned home after yet another harrowing runaway episode. *sigh* I made a commitment to drop by Sembawang this week, and I'll be darned if I don't go. Thursday...piano. I have to find the charger for the camera that was misplaced somehow, shuttling between three houses to locate a damn spool of insulated wire. *groans* Do you know how difficult it is to find something so miniscule in three different locations? Anyhow, I have to get my rear in gear. If I don't make preparations to leave soon, I won't step out of my tower at all today. Knowing me, I'll probably spend the whole day in a Zen trance, moving between music and motion, and spacing out at sporadic moments. Nono. That won't do. Too many things to do. Oh, by the way...my dad tried this DIY renovation thing at home...and now my piano's covered in plaster dust. *annoyed* And I just got it tuned and cleaned! Speaking of dads...I messaged X and R with Father's Day messages. X replied, thankfully. I still have a father! So that's it. I have a million things to do, and all I want to do right now is curl up in my corner and sleep the day away. Sometimes being nocturnal really sucks. *sigh* I hope I won't have to jostle for space with the morning crowd. God, I hate it when that happens. Annoying people all crammed together on the bus, as transparent as walking blocks of glass, exacerbating my headache. Well, that's it then. I can't keep stalling. Time to go shower and get dressed, and join the crushing mass of humanity on their morning commute. Well, I can't complain really. The night was entertaining. But oh, my energy levels are so depleted. *looks longingly at floor* Meh. This crossdressing thing should be good for a laugh, something I will need desperately after noon when the sun is at its peak. Headache, be gone! *bangs head on table* Well..really must be off. Damn procrastination.

Psychic Unveiling

I am well used to illusions by now. But ever so often...another veil falls away, revealing truth in all its unwanted glory. I saw J this morning, and I spoke to Z last night. *shakes head* Revealing indeed. I have plummeted all the way down into J's hate list. Yet I still love him with all my heart and soul. The mysteries of love...*sigh* I love Z too, in a different way. I care about him, but he does not know that I do. I'm content to watch the puzzle pieces fall into place naturally, because patience is everything. 'Have a little patience.' If he decides to burn his bridges with me, then so be it. I have waited quite a few years, J. I am at the end of my rope here. Either you have forgiven me for my perceived mistakes, or you never will. I await your move. I looked at you just now, and I can't deny that the reaction of my heart betrayed my innermost feelings regarding you. I still love you, idiot. *rubs eyes* I am tired. I should be resting, before noon strikes the earth with the hammer of the sun's heat. Oh...and Z? Think up a better excuse next time. *rolls eyes* If you don't want to see me, then don't call me out in the first place! God. I'd have thought you would at least have some semblance of intelligence, compared to all the idiots I've been going out with. You with all your deep talk of God and religion, and how you feel depressed and lonely all the time. Maybe you wouldn't be lonely if you would be nicer in the company of others. And I'm beginning to think that 'depth' to you that first attracted me is nothing more than a facade. A pretty illusion with no substance behind it. J is confused, I get that. But you, Z. How many years have you been claiming that you play for both teams? I refuse to let you jerks drag me down. Good grief. How long will it be before you realise that I'm still me, J? The years have not changed me, but if you refuse to see that, maybe you have changed. I'm certainly starting to think so, and it's not a compliment, my love. Nothing will happen with S, because unfortunately, I've gone off sex quite a bit. In the words of a funnyman, "Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex." *sigh* I really am worn down to the bone. So tired I believe I can actually fall asleep at this computer table with sunlight blasting into my face. J...come back when you can't run from the truth anymore. I know what you felt, ok? It's no use telling me otherwise now. I love you, but I understand if you need time to sort things out with yourself. Just don't expect me to wait forever. But I promise I will be there for you if you need me for whatever reason. Just call me, and I will be there as fast as I can. *crosses heart* Z...you idiot. -_- I care about you, but if you're not going to stop giving in to your erratic mood swings, I will strangle you myself. It is terribly annoying when you call me up only to waste my time playing phone tag with you. Pick up the bloody phone or send me a message, you dolt. God, you men really get on my nerves sometimes. And R! Where the bloody hell have you been? That's...what, two lunches you've missed already? *shakes head* Honestly, you brainless buffoons really don't have much in the way of intellect, do you? Hmm. Happy Father's Day, X. *sigh* I would have gotten you a present, but I know you well enough to know that you would only feel guilty afterwards. So I've saved us both the trouble, and sent you the message instead. So many illusions dissolved into nothingness in one night. It makes me feel quite faint. *sarcastic* I should start my own soap opera, considering that I have plenty of experience in the drama department. Stupid Fates. Hey, karma should go kick someone else's butt for a change, you know? Meh. You'd never listen to an ignorant mortal like me anyway. *rolls eyes* Ok, I can foresee myself beginning to babble nonsense on this otherwise coherent and babble-free blog. I'm going to drag myself to my corner and get some shut-eye now. And my resolution for the coming week shall be...thou shalt not touch felines without being cursed with the Plague! (My allergies are acting up again. Sigh. Going to Sembawang is out of the question now...but I miss my Baby!)
...with the death of each illusion, I find myself strangely empowered.

Psychic Dawn

The sun is rising in the horizon. Dawn. Daybreak. Golden beams of light that lance across the darkness like holy spears of hope. I am so weary...so tired. My eyes are bloodshot, and I feel a sudden need to move, to run, to flee from the despised heat of the day. Pain always makes me restless, it always grants me a certain level of energy. I used that to my advantage last night, but now Night is dying, and my strength fades with her. Even typing seems to require an enormous amount of effort. I feel hot, I feel cold, I feel light and heavy all at once. All the contradictions of the world seem to have collided in my being, and I wish I had just given in to the unconsciousness that had threatened to swamp me three hours ago. But no...I was so fascinated with the illusions my mind presented, that I forgot time stands still for no man. Three hours have lapsed, and I am fighting my need to sleep. I know what the problem is. I have spent the past two afternoons awake, enjoying the sunlight as much as anyone should, that I had forgotten I am nocturnal by nature. Two days isn't enough to knock my natural rhythm out of sync. As the sun rises, I should be abed. But I'm feeling like I should be normal for once...at least a week. Yesterday I was soothing ruffled hearts, calming troubled minds when I should have been replenishing my energy. Today I pay the price, and a hefty one at that. But I refuse to bow down to my own needs. I need no sleep as long as I can still draw on the ambient sources around me. My eyes are being stained a deep crimson as the veins thicken in my body. I have at least another hour left before I can begin my usual ritual of pulling in energy from stray sources. Still, it is not the same as if I had a full day's rest. I tend to lie about my sleeping habits, because there are no fixed schedules, and it is often too bothersome for me to explain. To prevent unnecessary worry, I usually pretend that I have slept along with the rest of the world at night, and this illusion usually fools everyone. But now that I am worn down to the bone, with a raging headache pounding away at my temples, I wonder what I can do to put a quick fix on this one. I need energy, and fast. I don't want to sleep, because I already know what I will see. Z, surrounded by blues and purples that stain his physical self. Blue for arousal, and purple for confusion. I acknowledge that it was I who induced said confusion in him. As for the shades of blue...*sigh* I don't know, and I do not really care right now. Is it too early for me to awaken them and seek energy? No. The world has already begun to rise from its slumber. My body still confuses me! *frustrated* I am hot, I am cold, I am tired yet I must run. My night was fruitful, but it appears the day still torments me. Hot and cold, tired yet restless. Very well. If I cannot find an alternate way to remedy my energy deficiency quickly, I will take a short rest. Enough to restore my zest, but not enough to trouble me with haunting visions of past and present. Oh, I am truly damned if I keep my illusions up any longer. Only I know how draining it is to keep lying about who I am. *sigh* Perhaps today he will tell me what I already know: that he is in pain. But until then, courtesy dictates that I play the ignorant fool oblivious to his emotions. The sun is already beginning to burn me. It is far too hot for my chilled flesh. I suppose I will retire to my corner and make arrangements from there. It shouldn't be too difficult, considering that I can barely focus. *sarcastic* Oh, yes. It seems that I have a recent addition to my ever-growing list of alphabets. A new guy, no one special. Maybe nothing, but he has caught my interest, at least for the moment. Invited me over to his place at 1 in the morning. *wonders* Well, if anything spirals out from this fascinating development, I'll be content to sit back and watch. My eyes are growing hot; a warning sign. I should take a bath before crystallising my plans for the day, else I will be wandering around the place with vampiric eyes and a werewolf's savage temper.

Psychic Bloodlust

My peaceful state of mind has been abruptly shattered. Threads of fire, so familiar to my heart, have begun winding their way through my veins once more. The moon is but a sliver in the night sky these days, hardly enough to empower me. But tonight, my own heat fires me up. And again...I find myself growing antsy and restless. It was fun while it lasted, that elusive entity called peace, but now it has died under my twisted touch, and I am back where I started. The night calls out to me, singing her unholy song for the damned. Her siren call is hard to resist, and right now I don't want to. I belong out there, under her veiled layer of darkness among other creatures who make her their Goddess. I have drawn blood tonight, and it only served to enrage me further. THe bloodlust infuses those who embrace it with immense energy, and slowly consumes those who don't. The stone ledges and cobbled stones that make up the corridors of my vast castle will help me to bleed some of the heat off. There is nothing quite like running under the watchful moon to ease the sharp pain that is constantly needling my heart. The minutes slide past, lost to me forever. THere is nothing to stop me from running along the dark paths of the night. It is all mine, and mine alone, for the rest of humanity have begun their nightly slumber. My descent into darkness is expected, for the dance of light and shadow within me is an eternal one. A timeless waltz that is both terrible and beautiful to behold. And tonight, the darkness that has been dormant in me for over a week has begun to awaken. My bloodlust was the key that opened the cage. And now that it has been opened, my inhibitions melt away like frost before heat. I will run tonight. I will bleed all the excess energy off, and I will play in this garden of darkness that I have marked my own. The deep waters sparkle under the scant light of the crescent moon, I know. It is calling to me, even now. I am all dressed up for the night, in fitting hues of black and reds to represent the darkness that mingles with my life's blood tonight. The stars are out in full force, and I know my energy is unpredictable, as unpredictable as I am. But I will run, I will make speed and agility my friends tonight, and as the wind whistles past, my soul will have its dying moments of peace. When the sun rises tomorrow, I will pay the price. But for tonight, I am the dark prince who rules this kingdom of shadow, and I fear nothing and no one. The night is mine.

Psychic Peace

I have been feeling so peaceful recently. If I close my eyes, I can almost project myself back into the golden days with J, back when everything was glowing and happy and everyone was so contented. But that was then, and this is now. I sit alone in my room, and I realise...the heavens are empty. The moon is conspicuously absent, and the stars are veiled by clouds. Still, it cannot diminish the fact that I have...for the past few days, not been depressed or moody. Running was a great way to take the edge off. J's gone off one on of his uncontactable tangents again. R is pressuring me to get a job. I haven't seen X for over a month. And I may have just opened my heart to yet another J.
But I feel strangely untouched by all these. *quiet* The piano and keyboard have fallen silent, and so has my mind. The nightmares have receded, and I feel so joyful that I can sleep without worrying about the repercussions. This is the same sensation that envelops my heart whenever I dream about my open meadow with blue skies as my roof. The slight breeze that blows...the softness of wild grass. My own little piece of heaven. It is peace, and I never thought I'd feel it again. Not after the turbulent rollercoaster ride with J. *sighs* But what's done is what done, and right now...I am glowing with the radiance only inner peace can bring. Good heavens, I actually smiled at my neighbour and made small talk. *marvels* Me, doing the niceties! *shakes head* Well, well. She smiled back, and we struck up a conversation about her dog, Toffee. Inquisitive fellow. I petted his head and was instantly his new best friend. He wouldn't leave when we reached my gate, and my neighbour had to literally drag him away, tail a-wagging. My neighbour is a kind soul, with a soft spot for dogs. I've lived here for two years, and I've never even glanced at anyone. Just reading what I wrote makes me laugh quietly to myself. Ah..the world is capable of doing an about-turn when you least expect it, and I know it is not just the things within that have caused this particular 180. Cats are starting to come up to me once more, affectionate as ever. It makes me miss Baby, though. I've decided to go to Sembawang come Saturday, because I have a date on Friday. I suppose it is high time I stepped out of my marble tower and started living again. It's been quite a while since...well, since I lived at all. I suppose J will always have a special place in my heart, my piano will never see these walls where I currently reside, I will never mend things with my father...but I have to live. =) *closes eyes* I have never felt this peaceful since three years ago. God, I can sleep for as long as I want to without waking up screaming or crying inside. It feels bloody marvellous. I feel like a new man. *laughs* If I expire now, I'll die happy. *contented sigh* The hours are slipping past, and I think I'll go to bed now and dream of green fields and golden sunshine. I'm still marveling over the changes that have seized my life. I wish I could bottle this emotion up and share it with the people who matter to me. =)

Psychic Lygophilia

Night always bestows upon me her cursed gift-a surge of energy that boils through my veins and blesses me with an extreme need to move, to run, to soar. I've often wondered what it was about the darkness that so entrances me...and now I know! I'm lygophiliac. It's just something intrinsic about me, something I can't quite put into words. Some predatory instinct perhaps. Regardless, there is something...freeing about being awake as the world slumbers, increasing your alertness to your surroundings as you survey the darkened landscape. The winds are cleaner, somehow, and the air fresher. I especially love it when the moon is full above me, no matter what colour she is, pale yellow, bloodred, or bonewhite. The stars are faithful muses to the spirits of Night too, and I can imagine myself as one of them, one of the ornaments in the court of Night. *pauses* I am entirely capable of masking my true nature when it comes down to it. And I have. Although most people know of my fascination with the...'dark side' *rolls eyes*, most don't seem to understand my deeper connection to the shades of grey, even if they DO tend to lean towards the darker hues. *sigh* It seems I've made myself some very powerful enemies, and while it is not entirely unexpected...I am slightly put out. I have been extremely lax with my defenses recently, and my mind has been unguarded. It has been peaceful, these past few days. I don't have to constantly keep my mind working at 120% to foresee future calamities, or work out solutions to a myriad of problems. I've rested, I've eaten well, I've even mastered my emotions. TO a certain degree, of course. There is no complete mastery in any field. No matter how high you go, there is always another level. I realised as I reviewed a few memories I'd been suppressing...that every man has to come to terms with his inner demons. I'd gone back to 666, the place I grew up, I saw the corridors I'd traversed as a child, the pathways still intact, the air as eerie as ever. I remembered the pain, I remembered the fury, the anger. I remembered everything. I was there long enough to make my peace with the place, and I left. I know I will never return again. The everpresent darkness cloaked me, hiding my tears from the world, and I walked out of there with a sense of relief that I'd faced down one of my biggest demons at last. I couldn't remember where this demon's sister was located, but it didn't matter. I went back to where it all began, and I forced myself to remember things that were hard for me to accept. All the euphemisms in my mind, the codes that I confuse myself with...melted away as I stood and looked at the structure one last time. There will be many more demons that I know I have to face. But for now, I'm content because darkness blankets the world and the moon is smiling down on me. I am at peace.

Psychic Kinesis

Kinesis, if I recall my Greek correctly, denotes movement. My mind has been still, but I have moved out of the circles that once bound me against my will. The night was mine, and I ran unseen through the back alleys, startling felines and other creatures of the night as they sensed me flying past. Running has always been one of my favourite past-times. It is an outlet for all the energy that churns in my body. Using my momentum to my advantage, I cleared obstacles easily as the bonewhite moon floated high overhead. She rose bloodred, and then paled as each hour passed. Closing my eyes, I see my dark wings unfolding as I stand on the precipice of the world. It is all mine for the taking. The full moon gifts me with an innate energy that I find hard to control tonight. I've been pacing the house like a caged panther, sleek and silent, but listless and hungry for action. I can't wait for morning, because then I'm going running with Phoebe. My movements are purely physical for today. My mind has been quiet for a while...and I wish to keep it that way. Thrusting the memories and the nightmares away has given me a measure of peace these past few days. I have joined a company that pays me to write, and write I shall. These are my gifts, and I shall use them to further myself. The ends justify the means, do they not? My words are cold, and I believe this emotional frost will last for quite some time. I was surrounded by people a few hours ago, and now a migraine is beginning to work its way through my head. It will recede as the night progresses.
I stood with my back to the forest atop a stone ledge overlooking the bus stop, and I felt right somehow. A light breeze rustled the trees behind me, and people lingered in front of me, waiting for their buses, their gazes raking me. I did not care. Elevated to a certain degree, with the full moon high above me and the night air surrounding me like a comforting cloak, I felt at peace. Three more hours before I run with the wind, powered by the rays of the moon and cutting through the cool night air before dawn arrives. *begins countdown* I want to run. Watch the world blur as it flies past me.

Psychic Calmness II

I am still calm, even though storms are raging all around me. This chill, this mental calmness is a blessing. The winds roar and lightning screams through the dark clouds, but I...I am untouchable by the elements. I have decided that I will repay my debts and vanish, because, after all, I am shadow. A fleeting glimpse and I am gone. I will push everyone and everything away, away from the darkness that pulses at my very core. I was browsing through my earlier posts, wondering what to do with my overabundance of time, and I noticed that most of my posts hold within them an undercurrent of dark despair, of sadness, of pain. Tonight, as I sit with the full bone-white moon as my lunar companion, I feel nothing. No misery, no urge to hit the bottle, no need to seek comfort from men who only care about that one mind-blowing orgasm. I tried to care, God knows I tried. But...*shakes head* it is all in vain if my efforts yield only bitter fruit. Time and too much loneliness have embittered me. I regret that I drove J away with my insecurities. But I trusted him. I trusted his one golden promise to me. "I will never leave you." I still have his messages. I am afraid to trust, because damn. It hurts to see the people you love leave you. And I prefer it this way. The blackness of night, the pale beautiful moon, the stillness of the air...these are things that will never leave. My cats may run away from me, but all I have to do is sit, and they will come mewling and sniffing. My blog is the only place where I can unleash the full extent of my emotions. My pain, my wrath, my sadness, my regrets. They are all listed here, like offerings to an indifferent deity. I don't want anyone to see me when I am in pain, because it has happened once before, and it will never happen again. My heart is sealed off, and even I can't break it open now. I am calm because I know that no matter what happens, I know the way to my piano, and I can always find comfort in the felines that roam the streets below. These are things that I know I can always count on, things that won't leave. *bitter* People leave, people die, they get bored, find new loves...whatever. It's human nature to constantly seek out greener pastures. The next big thing, the next big break. I'm not like that. I don't want fame, or riches, or great clothes, or a happening social life. I'm content to just sit and bask in the solar/lunar rays and play my heart out. I was not brought up differently. My siblings are your average pre-teens. My brother's preoccupied with his PS2, and working through his grades. My sister is just happy to be a girl and have lots of friends to gossip with. My family knows I'm different, and usually they just leave my eccentricities out of the picture. Everyone knows I treasure my freedom, I like being free-spirited, and taking things one step at a time. I am content to sit in a roomful of people and observe, instead of interacting. I watch. I don't do. If I do decide to step into the scene, I won't be anywhere near the spotlight, unless it involves my piano. I'm just a simple kid, and I'm trying to fix my inner compass, but...you know. My interests are varied, and my options limited. I love linguistics, and I love challenging my friends in various languages. I love my piano, I love music in general. I really don't belong here. Too many people have remarked on that. In school I was the shadow, content to blend, except when I performed on stage. Then I gave it all my all to outshine the rest. And I did. That connection I have with the things I love is pure. I know they won't leave when I least expect it. And I guess maybe I am just a bitter old fart after all. My moods have been fiery and volatile recently. I have not decided which house to retreat to for the weekend, but suddenly staying put in my room and letting my mind 'Zen' itself doesn't seem like such a bad idea. My skill at emotional control far surpasses your average human. Anyone passing me in the street will have no idea that these thoughts and emotions that fill my blog are all swirling unseen in me. In person, my face is cold and set like marble, and my emotions are on a tight leash. I will not break that firm hold for anyone, for any reason. I will not allow myself to get hurt again. I don't understand it. Anyone can visit my blog to see my emotional state. 
Why does it have to come from the horse's mouth? This blog is an extension of me, it is the most important part of me, after my intellect. The mind first, then the heart. That is the way I am. My family is beginning to understand my odd ways, after 19 years. I heard it in my mum's voice two days ago, the subtle changes in her tone when we spoke. She wants me back home, I know that. My father too, regardless of his motives. Everyone's waiting for me to make my move, but I will sit here on top of my open tower, and allow the breezes to calm and settle me. I used to think that emotional ties were burdens people were silly enough to want to bear...but now I don't know. I have these burdens of my own, and I don't quite know how to deal with them. For once in my life, I no longer wish to fly away at the slightest hint of a storm. I will face this, and if it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger, right? But for these few days...allow me the grace to calm myself and organise my mind. The weekend is upon us, even though the days that mark the passage of time hardly matter to me anymore. *shakes head* Everyone is desperate for me to wise up to life...but my darlings...you who rush forget to stop and smell the roses. And believe me, there is nothing more fulfilling than sitting in a garden with a cup of tea in one hand and digestive biscuits in the other. I am living my life, but not the way society dictates. No rushing around doing a job I hate just to survive. 
Why would anyone do that? Do something you have no interest in just to have that balance in your bank at the end of the month. The follies of humanity largely escape me.
If need be, I'll live off the land, but I will not give up my values and my principles just to be one of the pack. There are millions of graduates each year, and I will not be one of them. I'm just me, you know? Just a kid who loves his piano, who likes cats, who is at peace with nature. If you think you detect a hint of asperity in today's post, you're mistaken. I feel emotionally dead at the mo'. I hope I can regain my spark soon, because on Wednesday, I'm meeting my mum and discussing my return to...to everything. To music school, to my piano, to life. C'est la vie.
...there is no point in explaining myself to hearts that are closed.

Psychic Calming

After the tumultuous storms that have been raging the past few weeks, I find myself content once more to watch the world go by. Yesterday night was the first in a long time that I awoke well rested. At 5 in the morning, as the creatures and critters still slumbered, I had breakfast and contemplated the direction my life is going. The viable options are growing foggier by the day, due in part to my reluctance to face the issue. But two days ago, I went home. And I found myself laughing, even though my heart was still steeped in misery. Watching my siblings bicker over the slightest grievance, seeing how much they've grown, reminded me that all is not lost. I stuffed myself with good home-cooked food. Had lunch with my family, as opposed to eating alone with only Princess Sophia (that's my telly) for company. Then my siblings had their lessons, and I watched as my sister threw a major tantrum. I don't blame her; her teacher is very odd. I can relate. Haha. Even my grandmother was extra nice to me, although I was furious when I found out the damage she'd caused to my family recently. Spreading lies like bad seeds. *sigh* No one at home is talking to her, and while I know she brought it upon herself, I feel pity for her. Then all three of us siblings settled down to watch...Avatar: The Last Airbender! When we were done, Happy barked for attention outside, so I went and sat with the little puppy for a while. Patting his head seemed to content him, and he lay beside me as I watched butterflies flutter around the greens my grandmother had recently planted. She may have her faults, but she is an excellent gardener. It's an emotion I can never quite explain, even to myself...as I sat there surrounded by my family who'd seen me grow up right till the moment I stormed out the door and left. I spoke to my mum briefly on the phone, and I felt even more complete. Just a few minutes, but it was enough to hear her voice. She was busy that day, and I had to leave before she came home. That was darling Phoebe's birthday!! *grins* I went out, mended some more bridges, and met up with Phoebe, Andrew, Leon and Pei Yu at Play. And now here I am, marveling at how quickly the world turns. I'm losing time, I know. But there will always be time for what I love. Of course there will. I only have one more thing left to do, and it has to wait until next Wednesday, when my father leaves. I have been eating well these past few days. *muses* I'm still full from my hearty dinner last night. Maybe a quick peek into the fridge won't hurt. As I enjoy the rainbow after the storm, I feel I must remind myself that calmness is extremely fragile, and it can be shattered at any moment. Still, I'm content to let sleeping dogs lie. Just for today.