Psychic Calmness II

I am still calm, even though storms are raging all around me. This chill, this mental calmness is a blessing. The winds roar and lightning screams through the dark clouds, but I...I am untouchable by the elements. I have decided that I will repay my debts and vanish, because, after all, I am shadow. A fleeting glimpse and I am gone. I will push everyone and everything away, away from the darkness that pulses at my very core. I was browsing through my earlier posts, wondering what to do with my overabundance of time, and I noticed that most of my posts hold within them an undercurrent of dark despair, of sadness, of pain. Tonight, as I sit with the full bone-white moon as my lunar companion, I feel nothing. No misery, no urge to hit the bottle, no need to seek comfort from men who only care about that one mind-blowing orgasm. I tried to care, God knows I tried. But...*shakes head* it is all in vain if my efforts yield only bitter fruit. Time and too much loneliness have embittered me. I regret that I drove J away with my insecurities. But I trusted him. I trusted his one golden promise to me. "I will never leave you." I still have his messages. I am afraid to trust, because damn. It hurts to see the people you love leave you. And I prefer it this way. The blackness of night, the pale beautiful moon, the stillness of the air...these are things that will never leave. My cats may run away from me, but all I have to do is sit, and they will come mewling and sniffing. My blog is the only place where I can unleash the full extent of my emotions. My pain, my wrath, my sadness, my regrets. They are all listed here, like offerings to an indifferent deity. I don't want anyone to see me when I am in pain, because it has happened once before, and it will never happen again. My heart is sealed off, and even I can't break it open now. I am calm because I know that no matter what happens, I know the way to my piano, and I can always find comfort in the felines that roam the streets below. These are things that I know I can always count on, things that won't leave. *bitter* People leave, people die, they get bored, find new loves...whatever. It's human nature to constantly seek out greener pastures. The next big thing, the next big break. I'm not like that. I don't want fame, or riches, or great clothes, or a happening social life. I'm content to just sit and bask in the solar/lunar rays and play my heart out. I was not brought up differently. My siblings are your average pre-teens. My brother's preoccupied with his PS2, and working through his grades. My sister is just happy to be a girl and have lots of friends to gossip with. My family knows I'm different, and usually they just leave my eccentricities out of the picture. Everyone knows I treasure my freedom, I like being free-spirited, and taking things one step at a time. I am content to sit in a roomful of people and observe, instead of interacting. I watch. I don't do. If I do decide to step into the scene, I won't be anywhere near the spotlight, unless it involves my piano. I'm just a simple kid, and I'm trying to fix my inner compass, but...you know. My interests are varied, and my options limited. I love linguistics, and I love challenging my friends in various languages. I love my piano, I love music in general. I really don't belong here. Too many people have remarked on that. In school I was the shadow, content to blend, except when I performed on stage. Then I gave it all my all to outshine the rest. And I did. That connection I have with the things I love is pure. I know they won't leave when I least expect it. And I guess maybe I am just a bitter old fart after all. My moods have been fiery and volatile recently. I have not decided which house to retreat to for the weekend, but suddenly staying put in my room and letting my mind 'Zen' itself doesn't seem like such a bad idea. My skill at emotional control far surpasses your average human. Anyone passing me in the street will have no idea that these thoughts and emotions that fill my blog are all swirling unseen in me. In person, my face is cold and set like marble, and my emotions are on a tight leash. I will not break that firm hold for anyone, for any reason. I will not allow myself to get hurt again. I don't understand it. Anyone can visit my blog to see my emotional state. 
Why does it have to come from the horse's mouth? This blog is an extension of me, it is the most important part of me, after my intellect. The mind first, then the heart. That is the way I am. My family is beginning to understand my odd ways, after 19 years. I heard it in my mum's voice two days ago, the subtle changes in her tone when we spoke. She wants me back home, I know that. My father too, regardless of his motives. Everyone's waiting for me to make my move, but I will sit here on top of my open tower, and allow the breezes to calm and settle me. I used to think that emotional ties were burdens people were silly enough to want to bear...but now I don't know. I have these burdens of my own, and I don't quite know how to deal with them. For once in my life, I no longer wish to fly away at the slightest hint of a storm. I will face this, and if it doesn't kill me, it'll make me stronger, right? But for these few days...allow me the grace to calm myself and organise my mind. The weekend is upon us, even though the days that mark the passage of time hardly matter to me anymore. *shakes head* Everyone is desperate for me to wise up to life...but my darlings...you who rush forget to stop and smell the roses. And believe me, there is nothing more fulfilling than sitting in a garden with a cup of tea in one hand and digestive biscuits in the other. I am living my life, but not the way society dictates. No rushing around doing a job I hate just to survive. 
Why would anyone do that? Do something you have no interest in just to have that balance in your bank at the end of the month. The follies of humanity largely escape me.
If need be, I'll live off the land, but I will not give up my values and my principles just to be one of the pack. There are millions of graduates each year, and I will not be one of them. I'm just me, you know? Just a kid who loves his piano, who likes cats, who is at peace with nature. If you think you detect a hint of asperity in today's post, you're mistaken. I feel emotionally dead at the mo'. I hope I can regain my spark soon, because on Wednesday, I'm meeting my mum and discussing my return to...to everything. To music school, to my piano, to life. C'est la vie.
...there is no point in explaining myself to hearts that are closed.