Psychic River

The river leads to the sea. A timeless glittering sapphire that contains many facets of life. I have unwittingly sealed myself off to the general fate of thinkers. We think. But often, we cannot transform our thoughts into actions. My tears make up that river. A river of regrets, a lifetime of heartbreaks, and an illusion of depth and beauty. I cannot show my self. I live in a crazy world of mirrors and illusions, and now for the first time I realise I am lost. If I follow this river of tears, I will find myself at an ocean of disappointments and hurt. I cannot look above for help; I know I have been condemned. I cannot look down for assistance; my soul is too shattered to sell. I have doubts in myself. Swim sailor, and row for the shore! Well, I am no sailor, and there is no shore in sight. My mind is expanding but my vision fails me. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. Time, my greatest adversary, mocks me as he rushes past on his endless quest to end. I cannot watch the clock and watch as my life dwindles away. The only river it appears I can follow now is the river Styx. My whole life has been about shadow and darkness, illusions that are often easier than truth. I cannot keep fighting my inner demons; they're too artful to be vanquished. This struggle to live drains me more than I can say. Words fail me.
I saw a phantom from my past this morning as I was bursting with life and hope. No words were spoken; none were needed. I fell. At this crucial time, I fell. An angel without wings can hardly fly. What am I? I cannot open my heart. I CANNOT OPEN MY HEART. It hurts me physically to examine my own heart. Do I love? Can I let hope in? Can I finally be free of the shadowed memories that still haunts me? Why, Alex. Why. Today of all days...why did you have to cross my path?! Let me run away. I want to hide in forests green and rich, where sunlight sparkles down in a dizzying pattern, illuminating me with its light. I want to lie on my back on a vast meadow and watch the blue clouds go by over me as a light wind ruffles my hair. I want to be alone, where no one will judge or hurt or break or die. I want to stand on top of a high cliff and watch eagles soar in joyous freedom, and laugh in glee as they wheel and spin, masters of their element. I want to sleep at night in harmony with the earth as it renews what has been taken. I want to be freed of the shackles of time, to be free to think and live. I lie in this crypt, watching as darkness claims what's left of my soul, uncaring at last. I witnessed another death. A gruesome one. I am sorry for the person who passed on in front of my eyes, but I no longer feel emphatic pain. I lie alone, resigned to my fate as ravens hover over my dying self.
Gabriel, come down and take my hand.