Psychic Anguish

It seems that for every time a man makes progress on his path in life, Fate drops another boulder in his way. I have read Randall Terry's first article on his homosexual son. And today I read the second article. While the first part touched my heart to its very core, BECAUSE he is a father grieving over his son's wrongs, the second part killed any sympathy I have for the grieving father. Jamiel might have sold out his family for money, yes. That was wrong. But many things Randall Terry mentioned in his article is wrong too. Two wrongs don't make a right. He's in pain, yes. But why lash out at others who have no faults? Granted, many people look down upon homosexuality. I accept this. It's a fact of life I cannot change. Some even go out of their way to make life hell for gay people. I have had my share of such people, and mostly, MOSTLY, I try my best to help them realise that this is not a choice. It IS NOT. WHo in their right mind would want to choose such a life? Where everyone sneers at you, where you risk being disconnected from your family, your support system? And there is that ridiculous notion that being gay immediately puts you in the danger zone for AIDS. There is that tasteless joke that gay means Got Aids Yet? It is not just homosexuals who are in danger of AIDS. Straight people who sleep around get it too. Yet we become the scapegoat for the spread of AIDS. I cannot understand why people don't believe that not all gay people sleep around. Is this a common misconception? Randall Terry's article segregates the world into two separate camps. The straights and the gays. Humanity! Throughout history, we have seen how segregation only leads to trouble. Are we going to repeat the same mistakes over and over? First it was colour, race. Then religion. And now are we going to allow sexual orientation to destroy the harmony we have finally achieved? And notice how I said sexual 'orientation'. This is not a choice. I will keep repeating it until the message gets through. I am now 18. Been out for 4 years, since I was 14. And in those 4 years, I have experienced a multitude of emotions, of homophobic people. It's hard for someone in the closet to live a fulfilling life. Think, people, think. If someone trusts you enough to say those 3 words that's hell for them, for God's sake don't push them away! I AM GAY. It seems meaningless to many, but it's a constant burden to those in the closet. The fear of losing so much love, of losing a loving family is of such great magnitude that it can never be described in mere words.. Your actions, your thoughtless words and deeds can and WILL hurt. Randall Terry compares homosexuals to alcholics and drug addicts. Why? Why paint us in such a negative light? We have done no wrong. We don't go out and burn your houses down at night. Self-destructive behaviour? Is that the common view of homosexuality? In what way are we self-destructive? Homophobia and racism have common elements, Mr Terry. They were built on segregation and persecution. WHy allow lines to be drawn and define boundaries between fellow human beings? I have personally seen humanity at its mightiest. When disaster strikes, we band together, regardless of differences. Must it take another disaster to realise we must overcome such differences? Set aside the boundaries you have created to separate mankind from one another, accept each other's flaws and talents. Why continue so doggedly to haunt and shadow other people's lives? Let things stand between a man and his God. I cannot speak of God's views on homosexuality, for obvious reasons. I'm not God. BUt I have faith in Him, and trust that He knows I am this way not by choice. If, and IF, this is wrong, I trust that I will be forgiven by His divine grace. Come, humanity, and think. Do NOT force redemption upon a person, and DON'T restrict anyone's life. We should all have the freedom to think. We are all humans, all gifted with intelligence. And why call us immoral? Many homosexuals (I cannot speak for all) were raised in warm, loving homes, inculcated with all the morals and ethics our parents lived by. We have morals. And it is because we were raised as such that we shall not become a voiceless minority incapable of independent thought! Rules are there to guide us, not restrict us. And there. Randall Terry mentions war. Segregation and discrimination will only lead to this. Will you stand by and allow this to happen? I for one will not. Every day that i live, every breath I breathe, I will fight this. My words cannot change the world. But I hope they can change your mindset. And change the way you look upon homosexuality. Alone, I cannot stop the monsters that are discrimination and ignorance. They go hand in hand. Don't hate or persecute us. If you can't accept us, then don't make life any harder than it already is.

Psychic Bliss

My world has righted itself again. Yay! Finally, things are back to normal. Just got home like an hour ago. THe bbq was fun. Haha. Initially I was kinda tired, cuz of all the shuttling the previous two days. But I did go after all. And there IS something invigorating about sea air. The breezes were simply divine! I was drifting around in a state of pure bliss. Never realised how much the sea calms and relaxes me. Haha. We almost burnt the foil we used to hold the coals. Quite dumb, really. In the first place, the material is quite thin. And the weight, plus the immense heat was just too much for poor Mr. Foil. But we improvised! I LOVE the beach. If only my house was that drafty. Gina and Chia Wee were funny. Seriously sidesplittingly funny. They were wrestling like 90% of the time? Haha. We had an icefight. Imagine icecubes whizzing around and people screaming. Mini-blizzard in ECP. We bought a lot of food. And in the end we got quite bloated halfway through. Haha. THough I wish HE had come. >.<>.< My software is seriously giving me a headache. I'll just finish the damned thing tomorrow. I hear procrastination snickering. Tsktsk. Ooh! I read Ms Sumiko Tan's column in Life. If ever wit needed a human avatar, she'd be the perfect candidate. She was writing about the deterioration of the English language in Singapore. Some of the grammatical errors she pointed out are quite thought-provoking. Such as how brought along and took don't necessarily mean the same thing. Haha. Her theory on English-by-osmosis is quite humourous. Haha. English-by-osmosis. That's a new one. She's one of my favourite columnists, for obvious reasons. Um...is she Japanese? O.o Ok...my brain is slowly shutting down. Goodnight.

Psychic Randomness

Wow. I just watched Xmen3. The Last Stand. Yeah, late I know. But it was so cool! Wee. Watched The Omen too. Pretty disappointing, really. DOesn't live up to its hype. Auntie Gigie's coming back on Wednesday!! My angel is coming back! I don't have to be apprehensive about going home anymore! Yay. I also bought new sheet music. Just small things to keep me occupied while I'm home. And Gina and gang are having a barbeque on Thursday. I've been hibernating today. Woke up just in time to catch Desperate Housewives. Cool. I have to get the piano tuned. >.<>.< Monday blues...oh, my blue-eyed boy. HURRY UP AND TALK TO ME! OK. Going off to either blast the keys on the 'no, or going to see Simpsons. EIther way, I'm so going to kill time. DIE, YOU FIEND! DIE!

Psychic Healing

Yeah...been pretty mellow these past few days. HE was supposed to come today. =) But then I decided to postpone our *a-hem* study thingy. Yeah! We were juz gonna study physics...nothing else u guys. Haha. Gina got dunked with cake, flour, sesame oil, secret ingredients. Happy 17th birthday Gina Tan! She smelled bad! Cuz the ingredients were like disgusting lah. We were laughing and totally bullying her outside Suntec Mall. Poor Gina. *smirks* We're going out for supper later. At 10. Watching world cup at 12. Bleah. I'm just tagging along for the ride. With Ms Lee and the rest. And KID, TMR U'D BETTER BE FREE. *grin* Today was a total bust, cuz of our schedules. But tomorrow I want u here. I'm ok now, been busy. Busy's good, keeps ur mind off the darker stuff. Yeah, that KID got me hooked on Alegria. Tsk. HE's bringing his Cirque Du Soleil dvd over. So can watch together. Snuggles? :P All right. I'm going off to eat, then later watch SOCCER with Ms Lee, Yiling, Gina, Chia Wee, PC. Haha. And THIS WEEKEND, I'm GOING HOME!! *grin* Well, mostly cuz I miss my first piano so much. Haha. Not an entirely altruistic reason, but still! Home. Yeah. Great. Kenneth ah! Where have u disappeared to, my valiant knight? I have my sights fixed on that white picket fence dream! Well, slightly altered. I want lots of cats! I want a son! And the loving caring partner next to me. That's my dream! Haha. And the 3 storeyed mansion by the beach. Which is why Grasshopper's Just Hit Send story on www.iomfats.org had me in tears. Gosh. I cried enough to flood the Sahara. Beautifully written story by an expressive and sensitive writer. Kudos to Grasshopper for such a well-woven and intricate storyline! *grin* Wow. I just realised my mood swings are worse than a PMS-ing person. Haha. Yay! The energy radiating from Alegria is enough to keep me going for two days on 3 hours of sleep. How cool is that? I'm so glad I listened to Yiling and PC and Chia Wee and went out with them today. Had a blast, and KID couldn't make it either. Haha. Sweing machine, of all things. I ask you. I've taken the first step out of the shadows. Pray that I'll stay in the sun. =) Blessed be.

Psychic Restlessness

I've been psyching myself to take that one tiny step. And reach out. But I can't. Because if I take that one step, and hold my hand out, I'll be opening myself up. Vulnerability is not something I like. I can't...what if I get rejected? I've been repressing a lot of memories, but now and then, some do get past the mental filter I've set up in my head. And it hurts to see the past that I had, and the man I've grown up to be. This is not how I envisioned myself living. Nothing more than a shadow to my family, a cold ghost to my friends. For how long have I drifted? I want to come back down to earth. I want to stay grounded. But that first step is hell. I have to go home and end this. I can't sit by and let the walls I've built up over the years isolate me. It's hard....made harder by the fact that somehow, over the years, the small little boy everyone looked down upon with such sympathy and love, has finally grown up to be the monster that rips their hearts out. I am not what they want me to be. I'm just me. I'm so scared. Too scared to lift my phone and call them. We've been skirting around each other too often that now we don't even know what's going on in each other's lives. Behind the facade of happiness, we've become strangers. I've had happy times with them, and I don't want it to end. What will happen if we go on like this? Our family was so tightly bonded. Why do I keep pushing people away? Keep blowing hot and cold? I don't understand. My mum sends me messages, small little things to tell me she cares. She tries to get me to stay home when I do visit. But I can't. I see my family, I feel their love, but I feel like such an outsider. Such a failure. So I just keep running. I've run so far that now I'm lost. But my mum is like a beacon. I can find my way home. Will I fit in if I do come home? There are times when I feel like a target for everyone's frustrations. My aunt's not there to protect me anymore. Where I live right now, it's not home. It's a house, but it stands empty and gaping. My home is with my family. But I can't even take that one damn step on the road home. I don't know if I can deal with always being different, the one people talk about at family gatherings.

Psychic Soothing

I've been holed up in my place for days. Went to Sembawang, came back. And now here i am. Gosh, I just saw a video that moved me to tears. It's on youtube. I've been playing the piano, with David Lanz's CD, a weird sort of duet. Made improvisations to my rendition of his Leaves On The Seine. Surprisingly, our two instruments blend quite harmoniously. Other than that, I've been reading a lot. Textbooks naturally, but some other books that caught my attention. Termites got to my bookshelves earlier, so half my collection is gone. *sigh* Nothing is permanent. I feel like the little kid on the beach who always, ALWAYS builds his sandcastle to near to the water's edge. Family wise, the only people I'm still talking to are Azy and Adli. The rest I've shut out. Like everyone else. Though I'm a bit worried at how cold and distant Seif has gotten. Hmm...the new neighbours are annoying. They delight in moving their furniture at all unearthly hours. I could wake up at 3 am needing to go to the toilet, and they're banging away up there. I think they've got a piano up there too. I heard the familiar tinkle of ivories once. IT WAS LIKE 1AM! Gosh. And I thought I was a nightbird. My temper is fraying, and so I have decided once AGAIN to isolate myself. It's not as bad as it sounds. I have David Lanz for company. Heehee. And music really soothes the savage beast. I hope after this one week, I'll be my usual calm self. And that wasn't meant to be sarcastic -_-;; Oh! Mimi and Baby are getting along fabulously. They still quarrel over small stuff, like who gets the bed at night, or when they're both in each other's paths, but still! No more cages to keep them separated!
Yay. Ooh, Mimi's greedy too. The minute she hears a plastic bag rustling, she comes over. It's cuz her favourite kitty treats come in this green plastic. ANd she absolutely adores them. No matter how far away she is, she hears that rustling and she'll come. Haha. My fingers and eyes and butt are tired from playing music all day long. It seems like everyone around me has gone nuts with world cup fever. Even Gina! And Yushaa! Of all people! Next I'm gonna discover Elina in a pink frilly dress. *rolls eyes* 22 grown men, running around on a football pitch? After one little ball? Goodness. Haha...at least Yushaa has a vested interest in football. *a-hem* The Portuguese men. *coughcough* But still...what a weird game. Oh well, to each his (or her) own. Haha. I can't wait for the year to be over. *counts down* WAAAHH!!

Psychic Musings

Thanks for the comment, Seth. You're right, of course. It's always been love the sinner, hate the sin. But I must say, I am starting to pay more attention to religion. Those feelings and thoughts I had were from the time I was still struggling to come to terms with who I was, who I am =) But forgive me when I say that from my point of view, homosexuality is not a sin. It is an oddity, another colour in the societal fabric of normalcy. I don't mean to offend, I'm just stating how I feel. =) *looks at clock* It's now 6:30 in the morning...the storm we've been having all night has lessened to a drizzle. I'm still contemplating which house I shall be gracing with my presence. And that was meant to be sarcastic. *rolls eyes* I'm so darn sleepy I can't think straight. Is it just me, or was my last sentence funny? Haha. I'm torn between my piano, my solace. And the two cats at Sembawang, another source of comfort. I tried calling my mum, ask her if I can come home for a while. But I guess she's still asleep. How sweet the dawn is, with everyone silently sleeping, lost in their dreams, and rising sun melting the mists away. I like this weather. Cold and bracing. Damn it. I still can't decide where to go. Piano, or my sweet Baby? *sigh* I've been trying to break my self-imposed isolation. But it's hard. I've grown used to my solitude. I've been idle for far too long. While everyone else is moving forward, I dwell in the shadows that hold promises of eternity. I, more than anyone else, ought to know how foolish such promises are. And wow. I just made an important discovery. Staring at the clock doesn't make it go faster. I hate Sundays. It's always me having to decide where to go. If one of my mp3 players was working, I'd head down to Punggol's rooftop gardens straightaway. Just me, my music and nature. I'm still waiting for the verdict, which will be out on the 28th. I know one thing, I'm hesitant to go back to my mum's house. My last angel has left, possibly gone for good. If so, I'll have lost another house. My brain is zinging off in 6 million directions. What am I to do today? No matter where I go, I'll still be alone. I ought to go now, before the rest of Singapore wakes up. I'll ponder for five more minutes. Then I'll leave. One way or another. The sky has lightened. I'm reminded of my five years in Woodlands. They don't call it Woodlands for nothing. Wherever you turn, there's always greeneries to soothe your soul. It's where I grew up. I used to wake up early there, to catch the sunrise warming the trees. My school was just two minutes away from the house there. *sigh* If I could choose one moment in time to get stuck in forever, it'd be the time I was at Woodlands. The drizzle has stopped. It's time for me to make my decision and go. Where the winds will take me. *pause* I'll call my mum. If she picks up, then it's piano day for me. If not, I'll head down to cuddle my sweet Baby to death. Oh, what the hell. I'm going to Sembawang. I'm not feeling very comfy being around family-people right now. Oh Kenneth! Wherefore art thou? I needst thee.

Psychic Release

It is easy to sit on your golden thrones and judge me. You have never been in my shoes. Some of you may have been acquainted with my strange sleeping habits. I sleep when I can. This is a remnant from the time I was still in the closet. I was afraid to sleep. Because it was only in dreams that my true nature shone through. And yet, I feared that in my sleep, I'd let my secret out. I lived in constant fear, and that fear evolved to paranoia. I was literally going crazy. My solution? No sleep. I ended up tired, but my secret was safe. For a long time, I suffered. When others would spend nights resting, I spent mine crying. I believed my very existence was cursed. Let me speak from the heart; let there be no illusions between us. I am not very religious. This is because I spent my adolescence resenting a God who created me, and then condemned me. I spent many nights thinking how nice it would be to die, to leave before anyone found out. I had no support from anyone. My soul was dying, a portion at a time. Your denials didn't help. Nor did your forcing religious ideals down my throat help. It only served to increase my confusion. I lost faith. I lost life. I became an emotionless hermit who craved human acceptance. I thought I'd get that much needed acceptance from the people I grew up with. But I thought wrong. Consider this, if you truly believe your God is a compassionate and forgiving one, why did he make me this way? So he can cast me down into the deepest pits of hell? So he can do the same to you for accepting and associating with me? Where is His compassion, His divine forgiveness? You've grown up with me, and in turn seen me grow. You must have an inkling of how things would turn out. You turned a blind eye to my pain. You were deaf to the cries of my soul. For several years, I suffered. I endured. BUt I finally broke down. I told you. My heart broke at your reaction. It seemed my torment was not enough.You had to gloat. It wouldn't have been so bad, had it been a complete stranger you were discriminating against. Yet I am someone who held your hand when I was younger, looked up to you for protection. It made your betrayal worse. I do not blame you for your prejudices against me, because I know your knowledge of homosexuality is limited to stereotypical mockings. I had hope that you would see beyond that when I came out. But like everything else, that hope was dashed by the very same people who had taught me that prejudice is wrong. It is largely thanks to my friends and certain teachers that I am here today. They pieced my soul back together. The pieces you shredded and ripped apart so thoughtlessly. I will always love you, because you raised me. But know this: you cannot blame the soil in which a seed grew for the way the plant turns out to be. Soil varies everywhere. But the nature of the plant is fixed. It grows. It blossoms. You cannot meddle with nature, or blame it for warping the plant. My nature is this way, it is fixed. Please accept this, at least. I cannot stand the walls, the stupid barriers between us that forces us to live this lie. I had faith, and great love once. Am I unworthy of that love now? Because of who I love? I'm slowly regaining my life. A piece at a time. But if you can never accept this part of me, this basic component that makes me me, then I will forever be missing a piece from my heart. The unconditional love and support that is expected of kin.

Psychic Awakening

I've spent the past few days in isolation. Just me, my thoughts, and my music. Welcomed the break, though I know the price for my peace is high. But I'm prepared to pay it. Because it gave me an opportunity to deal with some stuff weighing me down. The usual issues that haunt me. I've recently mended my ties with people who were once important to me. I went home. All 3 of them for the weekend. Exhausted though I am, I feel better. Baby and Mimi are getting on fine now. Used to seeing each other, though last night they quarrelled over who got to sleep on the bed. Silly kitties. Baby will always be my favourite though. Tomorrow I'm going to help Nicole look for Barky, her runaway doggie. I know what it feels like to lose your pet, so I hope Barky finds his way home soon. I'm ending my self-imposed isolation tomorrow. So it's back to the routines that have formed another chapter of my life. I've come to a crossroads regarding my music. I haven't lost my skills...but...it gets harder and harder to reach my goal in that area. Hmm. I'm watching two movies this week. The Omen with Malay Co, and The Nun with Gina's usual circle. Then going out with Elina, Yushaa and Phoebe. Yay me. Counting my dwindling savings...>.< Well, anyways. I'm going to grab something to fill my tummy. I'm trying to get rid of negative emotions. Succeeding. =)