Psychic Restlessness

I've been psyching myself to take that one tiny step. And reach out. But I can't. Because if I take that one step, and hold my hand out, I'll be opening myself up. Vulnerability is not something I like. I can't...what if I get rejected? I've been repressing a lot of memories, but now and then, some do get past the mental filter I've set up in my head. And it hurts to see the past that I had, and the man I've grown up to be. This is not how I envisioned myself living. Nothing more than a shadow to my family, a cold ghost to my friends. For how long have I drifted? I want to come back down to earth. I want to stay grounded. But that first step is hell. I have to go home and end this. I can't sit by and let the walls I've built up over the years isolate me. It's hard....made harder by the fact that somehow, over the years, the small little boy everyone looked down upon with such sympathy and love, has finally grown up to be the monster that rips their hearts out. I am not what they want me to be. I'm just me. I'm so scared. Too scared to lift my phone and call them. We've been skirting around each other too often that now we don't even know what's going on in each other's lives. Behind the facade of happiness, we've become strangers. I've had happy times with them, and I don't want it to end. What will happen if we go on like this? Our family was so tightly bonded. Why do I keep pushing people away? Keep blowing hot and cold? I don't understand. My mum sends me messages, small little things to tell me she cares. She tries to get me to stay home when I do visit. But I can't. I see my family, I feel their love, but I feel like such an outsider. Such a failure. So I just keep running. I've run so far that now I'm lost. But my mum is like a beacon. I can find my way home. Will I fit in if I do come home? There are times when I feel like a target for everyone's frustrations. My aunt's not there to protect me anymore. Where I live right now, it's not home. It's a house, but it stands empty and gaping. My home is with my family. But I can't even take that one damn step on the road home. I don't know if I can deal with always being different, the one people talk about at family gatherings.