Psychic Release

It is easy to sit on your golden thrones and judge me. You have never been in my shoes. Some of you may have been acquainted with my strange sleeping habits. I sleep when I can. This is a remnant from the time I was still in the closet. I was afraid to sleep. Because it was only in dreams that my true nature shone through. And yet, I feared that in my sleep, I'd let my secret out. I lived in constant fear, and that fear evolved to paranoia. I was literally going crazy. My solution? No sleep. I ended up tired, but my secret was safe. For a long time, I suffered. When others would spend nights resting, I spent mine crying. I believed my very existence was cursed. Let me speak from the heart; let there be no illusions between us. I am not very religious. This is because I spent my adolescence resenting a God who created me, and then condemned me. I spent many nights thinking how nice it would be to die, to leave before anyone found out. I had no support from anyone. My soul was dying, a portion at a time. Your denials didn't help. Nor did your forcing religious ideals down my throat help. It only served to increase my confusion. I lost faith. I lost life. I became an emotionless hermit who craved human acceptance. I thought I'd get that much needed acceptance from the people I grew up with. But I thought wrong. Consider this, if you truly believe your God is a compassionate and forgiving one, why did he make me this way? So he can cast me down into the deepest pits of hell? So he can do the same to you for accepting and associating with me? Where is His compassion, His divine forgiveness? You've grown up with me, and in turn seen me grow. You must have an inkling of how things would turn out. You turned a blind eye to my pain. You were deaf to the cries of my soul. For several years, I suffered. I endured. BUt I finally broke down. I told you. My heart broke at your reaction. It seemed my torment was not enough.You had to gloat. It wouldn't have been so bad, had it been a complete stranger you were discriminating against. Yet I am someone who held your hand when I was younger, looked up to you for protection. It made your betrayal worse. I do not blame you for your prejudices against me, because I know your knowledge of homosexuality is limited to stereotypical mockings. I had hope that you would see beyond that when I came out. But like everything else, that hope was dashed by the very same people who had taught me that prejudice is wrong. It is largely thanks to my friends and certain teachers that I am here today. They pieced my soul back together. The pieces you shredded and ripped apart so thoughtlessly. I will always love you, because you raised me. But know this: you cannot blame the soil in which a seed grew for the way the plant turns out to be. Soil varies everywhere. But the nature of the plant is fixed. It grows. It blossoms. You cannot meddle with nature, or blame it for warping the plant. My nature is this way, it is fixed. Please accept this, at least. I cannot stand the walls, the stupid barriers between us that forces us to live this lie. I had faith, and great love once. Am I unworthy of that love now? Because of who I love? I'm slowly regaining my life. A piece at a time. But if you can never accept this part of me, this basic component that makes me me, then I will forever be missing a piece from my heart. The unconditional love and support that is expected of kin.