Psychic Ascension

Well! I feel like I've grown and changed a lot these past few weeks. I have to go home for eight days. The worst week of my life is looming. And for once, even seeing the obstacles in front of me, threatening to force me to a standstill, I'm soaring. I'm unafraid. In the words of William Henley, I am the captain of my soul. The master of my fate. And truly, whatever happens, I'll try my best to beat the blocks in my life. People have sacrificed much for me. This life....it is not mine alone. I owe it to them to rise above all the insurmountables. To someday do for a child what they have done for me. ENough mush! I feel a distance growing between me and my circle. But I feel no pain. Because we meet and part, t'is the way of life. I'll shrug my shoulders and move on. He'll always have a special place in my heart, for healing the wounds I never knew I carried. He breathed life into my empty shell. But the ship has left the port, and must continue sailing in search of new lands, no? Anyway, I have been up at all unearthly hours of the night. Writing, reflecting, and just finding solace in my solitude. I have no idea how I'm going to manage 8 days at home after months of being apart from them >.< I'll just cross my fingers and grit my teeth. I'm going off to catch some sleep now. I only have one class tomorrow. And then I'll have to try and kill time. He must be the most hated icon in life. Going out with Yushaa and Elina! Yay! LIfe is so golden at the moment. I'll just savor the sunshine as long as it lasts, but I'll be mindful of the storms ahead. =) Blessed be, everyone!

Psychic Decisions

I've reached that point of no return. What has passed will come to be no more. I have released my ties and bonds to the past. To what cannot be fixed; I have accepted. With that acceptance, I hope healing will follow. Not just for me, but for those I have wounded with thoughtless words and deeds. I have come to terms with my position in life. I cannot manipulate fate to do my will, but I can change how I live my life. And that is changing. Slowly, true, but surely. What I cannot deal with, I shall keep in storage. And I shall deal with that stored problem when I have the solution. But I will not keep running from my fears. I did that once, and it drove me round the bend. I do not care if they find out I'm not straight. Because if it mattered to them, they don't matter to me. If they look beyond the realm of the physical, love is love. Regardless of form. I will be my usual self. And I will not hold back my thorns. I will be cutting, I will be sharp. But I will be me. And that is all that matters. I just want to get that cert, and walk out of there with my head held high and my dignity intact. I may have fumbled the beginning, but I'm fixed on the ending. It is my right as a human being to be unmarked by discrimination. If they truly believe I chose to join an embattled minority that has long been sneered at and looked down upon, I trust they have honour enough to respect that choice. But just so I'm clear, no one sets out to be different. The only differences are those boundaries that people set down among themselves. I bleed, I feel, I'm human. And I hope humanity isn't too far gone to respect each other for who they are. I will not shed a single tear if someone else finds out I'm gay. That fear died a long time ago. I will defend my right to live.

Psychic Freedom

I've realized that I overlooked one thing. In my haste, I've not seen that being alone, without my brother, sister and general family, can be viewed as having freedom. I have the space and freedom to move, to think, to make choices. Along this path of life, many make mistakes. But only a fool will get caught in a rut and go nowhere. Many move on, and some may stop to help those who have fallen. I have tried to rebuild bridges, perhaps where none should be, and that may be the chief reason why I have failed so terribly. I do not care. Recently, I do not care about many things. There is no turning back. I have done many things for which I am sorry, deeds which I cannot undo. It breaks my heart to say this, but I cannot return to mend what I have smashed so thoughtlessly. To do that, I have to turn and see all the people I have left, all those who have left me. And once I turn to try and mend things I know I have no power to fix, I myself will be shattered. The first step to moving on is to go forward. I must release the ties that bind me to the past, that hinder my path to the future. Only then can I truly claim that I have learned from my past mistakes. I bid goodbye to the past that clips my wings. I have been given opportunities few people come across in their lifetimes. It is time I learned that. No matter how miserable I am, how burdened my soul is, I must continue plowing through as the days turn to months, and then to years. I may have lost my music, but it is merely a temporary setback. I still have my skill in languages. I refuse to bow down to the blows life and fate keep dishing out to bring people to their knees. I have seen personally how one good deed begets another. And I am determined to change how I live my life. I closed my feelings off for a good reason. And maybe I need a good reason to shock me back into living. I want to work where I can help people. Not people I know personally. I was never much good at helping those I know. Enough about my missionary thoughts for the moment. I can never return to who I used to be. Things have happened, I lost faith. But I refuse to look back, and I want to move on. The threads linking me to the people I (used?) to care about are thin, but still present. As long as I have breath in my lungs, those threads connect me to them. And I shall grasp them tightly and anchor them to my heart. These are the people I don't want to lose. I'm tired of losing. It's time I stood up and took a stand against fate.

Psychic Darkness

It's another sleepless night for me. I just can't seem to sleep these days. Well, so far I've managed to get by ok. Well, if you don't count turning up for class looking like hell. I just...feel so empty and conflicted. Maybe I'm contradicting myself. I feel sick. My stomach's churning. I can't sleep in this state. It'll be another nightmare. I can't take the guilt anymore. I just want it to end, to stop feeling. Stop feeling all emotion. The good, and especially the bad. At least that way, I can still function. I don't need feelings to hinder me. I'm like some dark hole...suck everything in, and destroy it. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. But sometimes I feel like my very existence is already a grievous insult. Most of the time I feel that way. Well...I can't keep TRYING to be bubbly and bouncy and happy. I'm not that person. I never was. Yet I don't want my past, all that emotional baggage to weigh me down. I just...I want to rewind my life, and delete out all the bad breaks. But even then...I know something's missing. It always will be. Perhaps I may never find it. All this running around, chasing something that's already gone. I've lost it, just as I lose everything else. And what's left? I've never felt so lost and confused. I'm so tired of running and hiding and shaking because I'm scared. Screw that. I came out, it made me feel like shit, for many years. But I was RELIEVED. Because for once, I could sleep. And not be afraid I'd accidentally let slip my dark secret. And now I'm back to hiding. I just...I wish my circumstances were different. But then, everyone wishes for that almost everyday. I made a vow once. To stop feeling. It sort of worked. For the better part of a year, I wasn't happy, but I wasn't hurting anymore. It got to the point where I'd just drift around and not FEEL. I don't want to go back to being that mindless soulless shadow. But what choice do I have? This is my burden to bear, painful as it is. Sometimes, I just think back...to when times were much simpler and I was too young to know everything about me is wrong. I was happy back then. Is it my fate to be happy no more? Everything's crumbling, falling apart. But I will captain this ship until it sinks beneath the waves. I've lost my music. Truly, I am lost now. It is the end.

Psychic Wealth

I might have been blinded by certain goals in the past. Like...a leaf that has fallen into a stream and is content to let other factors dictate its path and eventual destination. Well, the veil has fallen from my eyes. I see now, clearly, how my choices affect others; how my emotions influence the emotions of others in turn. I've decided to stop avoiding all the people close to my heart. I'm rich in love. Love from the people around me. And it's probably time I started returning what has been given so freely to me. I'm not good at feelings. So I'm trying hard to be nice and do good deeds. But still, Rome wasn't built in a day. I mess up. It's inevitable. And part of maturing is in cleaning up your own mess. So I've been doing that a lot lately. And I'm pleased at the results. I feel...different. I spent the past two nights in depression. But now I've gotten over it. And Baby did make me feel a lot better. I think we don't fight as much nowadays. He's always getting bullied by Mimi. She is so strange. I don't think she likes Baby very much. She actually provokes fights. Bad girl. Hmm...I don't know what I want to be yet. But I do know what I don't want to be. I've resolved to continue doing good deeds for others. I don't want to be a cold shadow anymore. =)