Psychic Darkness

It's another sleepless night for me. I just can't seem to sleep these days. Well, so far I've managed to get by ok. Well, if you don't count turning up for class looking like hell. I just...feel so empty and conflicted. Maybe I'm contradicting myself. I feel sick. My stomach's churning. I can't sleep in this state. It'll be another nightmare. I can't take the guilt anymore. I just want it to end, to stop feeling. Stop feeling all emotion. The good, and especially the bad. At least that way, I can still function. I don't need feelings to hinder me. I'm like some dark hole...suck everything in, and destroy it. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. But sometimes I feel like my very existence is already a grievous insult. Most of the time I feel that way. Well...I can't keep TRYING to be bubbly and bouncy and happy. I'm not that person. I never was. Yet I don't want my past, all that emotional baggage to weigh me down. I just...I want to rewind my life, and delete out all the bad breaks. But even then...I know something's missing. It always will be. Perhaps I may never find it. All this running around, chasing something that's already gone. I've lost it, just as I lose everything else. And what's left? I've never felt so lost and confused. I'm so tired of running and hiding and shaking because I'm scared. Screw that. I came out, it made me feel like shit, for many years. But I was RELIEVED. Because for once, I could sleep. And not be afraid I'd accidentally let slip my dark secret. And now I'm back to hiding. I just...I wish my circumstances were different. But then, everyone wishes for that almost everyday. I made a vow once. To stop feeling. It sort of worked. For the better part of a year, I wasn't happy, but I wasn't hurting anymore. It got to the point where I'd just drift around and not FEEL. I don't want to go back to being that mindless soulless shadow. But what choice do I have? This is my burden to bear, painful as it is. Sometimes, I just think back...to when times were much simpler and I was too young to know everything about me is wrong. I was happy back then. Is it my fate to be happy no more? Everything's crumbling, falling apart. But I will captain this ship until it sinks beneath the waves. I've lost my music. Truly, I am lost now. It is the end.