Psychic Selves

The night was quiet. I was flying solo, my partner only showing up at 5:00am. I was quiet, as always, when this lady walked up to me, eyed me for a while, then started chatting me up. It was fine, she dwelt on light topics at first. For half an hour, she blabbed on and on while I sifted through her words for the finer meanings embedded in each sentence. I was already upset at my partner's absence, and her incessant talking was starting to get on my nerves. Then she asked me about religion, asking if I needed a blessing. I recoiled visibly. Excuse me? YOU're talking to ME about religion? I have always stepped lightly around this hot topic littered with verbal landmines. That night, however, a little voice in my head roared with laughter at her audacity. I believe we all have different selves within us, inherent multiple personalities that some of us learn to silence as obeisance to the God of Normalcy. Ah, the white picket fence dream. "I am normal. I'm a woman-loving, hot-blooded male who loves sports and hot chicks. I don't hear voices in my head." I digress. Anyway. My usually dark self was laughing at her foolishness. The part of me that seeks wisdom in all forms silenced the dark one quickly, paying close attention. The empathic part of me ached for the pain that such wisdom springs forth from. Adversity is a close kin of wisdom, I know this from personal experience. While the professional part of me was busy with my assignments, the wise one within was listening to her in rapt attention. Not her preachings, but the experiences from which such people are shaped. She spoke of inner peace, and in a sudden flash of clarity, I realised that the only reason why I still cling to the memories of J is because he gave me an inner peace that was everything she described her experience of religion as. She talked at length of what God could do for me, and I watched as she stumbled over her words, contradicting herself. Laughing silently, the cynical part of me ripped through her meaningless words and then the emotional part took over and saw the concern that rippled outward from her being. She talked on and on, and eventually my dark self overpowered the part of me that was gathering wisdom from her words. "Empty words, blind quotes; you can find them everywhere. She is but a vessel for such wisdom, merely a container, not knowing what it carries, spilling it out without once thinking about the contents she ferries. There will be many more you can seek out, worthwhile intellects who can discuss the merits of religion with you, people who can accept your words with open minds and hearts without trying to draw you in," he argued. The wise one fell silent, unable to find a suitable comeback. The impatient part of me left her standing in the same exact spot trying to convert someone else. The hot-tempered part of me flared up at once when she subtly put down other religions. The other guy was waaay too dense and spineless to detect the slight derision in her words as she spoke of religions she believed to be wrong. I'm tired of all these speeches, to be brutally honest. Regardless of what religion, it's always the same conversion speech. "Ours is the only path! The right one. The others are all wrong! Believe us, or you shall be condemned." In the next breath, "OUR God is a kind, forgiving, compassionate one." Uh, hello? Contradict much? I don't mind if you want to talk about your religion with me, because to be quite frank, I am interested in every religion, having read up on quite a bit of each. I'm fascinated with their concepts, but it is the people who taint their purity by trying to force it down each other's throats. Of course, the diplomatic part of me hushed all the others and scrambled to the forefront of my mind, effectively taking control of my mouth. Using words silvered with years of practising the great art of glib double-talk, I told her that I would only accept the path that truly touches me. I didn't tell her of my extensive forays into the many religions that sing the praises of God, in different forms and different languages. I didn't see a need to. The part of me that craved solitude just wanted to get rid of her, the part of me that still wanted wisdom tried to talk to her, but the cold one joined hands with the diplomat in me and together they silenced everyone else, forcing out a cold smile. "If there truly is a God, above all else, then I trust He has a plan for me. If someday he wishes for me to sing his praises, He will ensure that I shall be touched by His Grace so that I will truly believe. If everyone on this earth is meant to be redeemed, then surely He has an opportunity for us to be touched by Him, does He not? Now is not that time for me, but I trust the day will come when my heart and eyes are open to the true path that leads to Him." The dark one snickered maliciously at the confusion that flitted across her face, but then all my selves melted into one and I reached out a hand to touch hers. In spite of my irritation, in spite of what the many fragments of my mind were saying, I was truly touched that here was a person who had stayed behind to talk to me, trying to get me to rejoin her flock. Not THE flock, for I doubt that there will be a time when we can all bow before one God, but I was touched nonetheless. She looked surprised at our brief contact, but over the years, I have learnt that a single action can do so much more than all the words in the world. I held her gaze with mine, for one moment allowing the shutters to fall away, flaring the curtains to reveal the depths of my soul. That moment stretched on between us, and then someone else came in and she withdrew, looking slightly shaken. This new guy turned out to be from the same religion as her. He looked slightly surprised when she addressed him, and I watched in quiet amusement as she told him about me. "He's got a very old soul! At first when I came in, I was a bit afraid to talk to him, but then I saw his eyes. He's very gentle, you know? Very wise eyes." I caught the other guy's eye, and gave him a wry smile. He laughed out loud. He shook my hand, and the two of them seemed really taken with me. He asked for my name, and I gave it freely, knowing it would only serve to confuse them even more. The illusionist within me was delighted at the confusion that I had called forth into being before me. Then they shook it off, and I allowed the diplomat in me to show itself. The guy was more astute than the lady (I never did get their names. The forgetful part of me took over) and he asked about my experience in religious matters. Smiling slightly, I told them a few nuggets of information. The lady seemed taken aback when she realised I wasn't the ignorant fool I had been pretending be for the past hour. The dark one howled with laughter, and the empath in me slapped him soundly. "That was a horrible trick!" he protested, pinning my dark self in a chokehold to prevent him from seizing control of my mouth. I laughed aloud, quickly coughing and feeling heat creep up my cheeks. The guy and lady looked at me interestedly. I smiled, the shy part of me suddenly taking over. I walked away, and they got the hint. The guy smiled at me, and I shook his hand, honestly liking him for his calm countenance and unquestioning acceptance of my past choices in life. The lady wouldn't give up, though. She was hellbent on giving me a blessing. I finally allowed the dark one to speak. "No, I don't want one." And he seized control of my legs and forced me to walk away, leaving her standing there looking slightly crestfallen. Again, I must stress that I have no problems against religion per se, any religion. Just don't keep ramming it down my throat, because I don't fancy having things thrust down my mouth. Ok, that was my 'naughty' self talking. *giggles* Now I have to go get some sleep, or Betty will kill me if I oversleep and show up late. Again. Oh. My bitchy self wanted to slap her silly, but settled for ignoring her. She left pretty quickly. *gloats*
Forgive me for wanting redemption, J. All I want is you. Everything else is inconsequential.