Psychic Sinking

I'm slipping deeper into my shell, hiding behind a veneer that disguises the quiet despair threatening to ravage me, like a slow, wasting disease. I've been drowning in deep regrets, bitter echoes from the past that have come back to haunt me. J's words were cold, completely devoid of inflection. Eventually, he just stopped talking and I nodded once, resigned to my fate. I think it was yesterday morning. I'm beginning to lose track of time. For the first time in over three years, irritation coloured his words. I expected nothing less of him. The day is cold and gloomy, and the elements reflect the storm raging behind my black eyes, now blue with tears. I barely spoke during my watch with Juf, something he instantly picked up on. He asked if everything was ok. I gave a noncommittal grunt, and he got the hint, leaving me alone downstairs. I could hear him banging around upstairs. I had a colossal explosion yesterday night. It has been coming on for a while, this anger towards her. When I am exhausted, and I require sleep, nothing and no one shall stand in the way of my need for rest. So when I was roughly woken from my sleep, I snapped and started snarling. She left me alone for the rest of the night. It earned me only half an hour's respite, then all too soon it was time for me to dress up for my night shift. I don't regret my rare display of temper, because I know it reminds people that I have boundaries only the foolish will attempt to cross. I'm tired, but that's a good thing. I hardly have time to dwell on the miseries of mortality. My nocturnal carefree spirit has been twisted and corrupted beyond recognition, and I find it fitting that I am growing colder by the day. I had one last glorious burst of fire yesterday, a slight twinge of regret for my brief flash of emotion, then emotional silence followed. I threw myself into moving everything from the lower floors all the way up. Juf took over without comment, frowning slightly at my sudden break from loquaciousness. Not that I'm usually very chatty, but then again...I do have my moments. I admit, I was brooding. I spent half the night in stony silence, leaving my station only to release or grab water. He finally gave up at three, knowing me well enough to know I had not eaten, and forced a bottle of iced tea and a turkey roll into my hand. It was sweet (the gesture, not the food), and it brought a brief smile to my lips. I'll be required to grace my parents with my presence tomorrow, and therefore I'll be taking one night off from work. Juf's taking off tonight, which means I'll be working with the twin wonders. *sarcastic* I would gladly take them over Bets anyday, though. I left my post at 8:30 this morning, and I suppose I should be thankful for small favours. It spared me the requisite awkwardness that always follows a blowup. Now I'm home, and I'm feeling as darkly depressed as ever, but the promise of sleep and a good rest helps to ease the strain in my muscles, and that's one load off my mind. The more I watched Juf surreptitiously through the night, the more I am convinced that his soul is very very familiar to me. A broken boy, hiding his pain behind a goofy smile and the ultimate defense mechanism: humour. I've seen souls like this before, felt them before they heal and ascend far away from where I currently reside. *looks at horrendous wall colours* In the bowels of hell, apparently. I'm feeling minutely better, but not yet up to seeing anyone. Juf has been watching my back for the past few nights, and tonight I know I'll be feeling slightly lost without him hovering nearby, watching me anxiously. J's coldness has not subsided. I didn't expect it to. *sigh* I am boneweary. I've strained the muscles in my left thigh and calf, and chest. My arms are still tense. I guess I ought to go to sleep now. My emotional frost has not melted yet, and for those who count themselves as my friends, yes, even you J, liberate te ex inferis. I push you away so that when I finally sink beneath the waves, the resulting whirlpool won't take you down with me down to Tartarus. ...No, that's not a dental term. And now, I am off to ponder what I am to do with myself, short of spontaneously combusting and saving everyone a whole lot of trouble.