Psychic Infernum

First up, infernum is not English, it's Latin. Secondly, if thou art curious about what it means, go look it up. I'm feeling incredibly moody and slightly 'heaty'. By 'heaty' I mean temperamental. My temper seems to be bubbling under the surface recently. Outwardly, I look placid and calm. But inside, the thoughts are swirling around like a flock of ravens that keep tearing at my soul. The resentment, the regrets, the rage. That's what frightens me the most. My rage. Very few have seen me at the height of my anger, and that is a good thing. Terrible and vaguely inspiring as my anger can be, I do not want it to be directed at anyone. Simply because I think it is unfair that I can hurt so much with just a few choice words, and I always regret the damage done. It doesn't take a lot to push my buttons these days, and I often find myself flaring up at the smallest thing, and when that happens, my silences are deafening. I don't trust myself to speak when anger has me in its fiery grip. The winds were cool and soothing as I walked across the black tar tonight, and for a moment, my anguish was eased. That moment vanished as soon as I slammed the door, shutting out the night that has so often been instrumental in my recovery from life's blows. Darkness is not what I seek tonight, not when I find myself a few steps away from hell. Try as I may, my illusions are useless when truth seeks me out, as it always does. I can fool many people, but not myself. I suppose there is nothing to be done for it, except to hit back in subtle ways, because to unleash the full extent of my wrath would mean opening the doors to hell. Hellish I may seem to certain people, but my dark age has passed. Past erased from my mind and everything, except certain memories I like to reflect upon as warnings. I've turned my back on it. I suppose typing this all out helps to dampen my fires. *sigh* I suppose now I'll have to go catch a movie or degrade my intelligence by watching TV. Sleep has eluded me for some time, even though I was boneweary this morning. *shrugs* I think I'll spend my day at my parents' tomorrow. Piano and home comfort. There is every chance I could open a portal to hell there too, given my current disposition. Ah, well. It can't be helped.
"I also maintain that those who are punished in Gehenna, are scourged by the scourge of love. Nay, what is so bitter and vehement as the torment of love?...It would be improper for a man to think that sinners in Gehenna are deprived of the love of God...it torments sinners...Thus I say that this is the torment of Gehenna: bitter regret."
I seek relief from the fires of my own hell.