Psychic Emptiness

My room has been painted a hideous, eye-smarting shade of blue. I cringe just looking at it. Everything has been moved, and the emptiness echoes around me. I see spaces waiting to be filled...and maybe I will buy myself a new piano. After all, a close friend once said...if I can't have love, I will have substitutes. Dawn sees me greeting a new day with red eyes and an infinite sense of melancholy. I met my partner yesterday. We'll be taking on two shifts today. I'm safe, for the moment, having told all the right lies. I'll be weary come tomorrow morning. 24 hours from now. 16 hours on two consecutive shifts. I'll scream if I'm paired with the resident bitch tomorrow. Or maybe I'll just rip her head off, since it looks like I'll be in that kind of mood. I slept all through the night, ignoring the call of the darkness, preferring instead to catch up on much needed sleep. I awoke some time after 12, my insides aching with hunger. I've been reading ever since, listening to music, anything to silence my mind. I don't know if it worked. My mood is incredibly foul this morning, and I half-fancy ditching everyone and everything and looking for peace somewhere. *sigh* I think I like my new partner. He's nice, quiet, gentle, incredibly patient. It's his friends I think I might not like. After all, during my nightwatch, I hate making small talk with strangers. That's the whole point of my request for a graveyard shift. Duh? *sigh* At the very least, I'll have time to practice my fake smiles and the stupid lies that accompany such hypocrisies. Or maybe I'll just retire upstairs and leave him to deal with the other morons. I know I'm doing what most people do: throwing myself whole-heartedly into my work to ignore the turmoil raging on within. With my mind focused on my work, I don't have time to dwell on the mortal pain that dogs my every step. 16 hours. Nightwatch. Sleep. Only two things I want to do at the moment. The sun has risen. In less than four hours, I have to go get ready. I suppose it's a blessing in disguise, and it won't hurt to have a new toy to fill up the gaps in my heart. I'll have to start looking for good pianos, then. *bitter* I guess you outgrow everything, even when you don't want to. Times change, and we're supposed to change with them. I don't feel like seeing anyone for a long, long time. I'll exhaust myself keeping up with Juf and Su. Then maybe, I won't feel. Maybe then the emptiness will cease to trouble me.
When this mortal flesh and heart shall fail,
and mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
a life of joy and peace.