Psychic Honesty (coming clean)

If the magnitude of this pain I feel is immense, I cannot imagine what they are going through. For them, I must be strong. Of course, my illusions are always there to back me up. I can go on autopilot and allow my self to retreat behind the facade that I will paint on over the cracks. But I cannot deny the strength of the pain that roars from deep within my heart. I waited all day...all night for his call. Dad, you never called. I guess this is it then. Each year I lose something valuable to me. When I was on my knees yesterday, as I fought to push the tears away, I messaged J. A desperate, emotionally charged message. He didn't reply either. There is a lesson hidden somewhere in this messy cesspool I find myself in, but I can't bring myself to look for it. J, is this how things stand? Is the golden promise you gave me meaningless? Has it lost its value with the passage of time? I didn't know promises could depreciate in value. For you, I have allowed many things to slide past, and had it been anyone else, I would have scarred him beyond recognition. But it is you, and if three years of silence will not kill this love I bear for you, then nothing will. I am unlike any other. Anyone else would have cut his losses and moved on. I can't, because regardless of how I portray myself on any given day, I believe love is sacred, and I will not disrespect it by giving up what I know to be pure. I will be the first to admit that I have had trysts with married men. But never have I attempted to break their marriages up. I respect that union, and I recognise the fact that I am only a welcome diversion to their otherwise routine lives. In that instant of copulation, an emotional bond is created, one that cannot be dissolved for any reason. *shakes head* This is who I am, this is how I am. J, what happened all those years ago...I am sorry if the events that unfolded from our friendship, such as it is, confused you. I was afraid of what I was feeling for you, and you know that. So please forgive me, because I need a ray of light right now. Come and hold me for a while, because I am so terribly afraid, and so indescribably miserable. Please...