Psychic Darkening

The black touch of night leaves nothing untainted. But this is pure, mindless corruption. And I've opened the floodgates of my heart, ready to receive the darkness that will help me to deal. I can no longer go out and sit in gardens surrounded by hordes of mewling felines. I've lost my affinity with cats. The hurt never really goes away, and last night I drifted in and out of induced unconsciousness. It was like a drug trip, but a whole lot more peaceful without the psychedelic twirling. I can't stand to see colours right now. That's why I find it so fitting that the moonlight has been choked off by the blackness, with the lunar queen herself overthrown by dark clouds. Darkness is all around me, and I embrace it. The sun will not warm me today, even though I have to make multiple trips around the island while he rules the skies with fiery incandescence. I am so tired. But no...I cannot rest, can I? I cannot love, I cannot lust; I cannot have, I cannot trust. No...the condemned shall forever suffer. I'm tired of having to constantly defend myself, my actions from people who will never really understand. There are reasons why I am so careful with my emotions to people I don't trust. THere are reasons why I cannot tell them I love them. Everything I touch turns to shit. And somehow, I envy King Midas. At least he created wealth. I just leave a trail of destruction and firestorms in my wake. Lucifer would be ever so proud. Funny how the Latin word for light came from his name. Lucis. How often have I invoked the phrase that incorporates that word to keep my darkness from overwhelming me? Yet the bringer of light has fallen, and Lucifer is now associated with the darkness that I love so much. It is raining, a light misty rain. Yes, weep holy tears for the constant defection of your angels, Heaven. I am weeping too, but for a different reason. It is cathartic to be able to spill the swirl of thoughts and emotions that too often threatens to suffocate me. In this realm of darkness, I am king and all bow before me. The moon must be lonely up on her ethereal throne. I have no power to alter minds, or perceptions. Many believe I am a demon spawned from the darkest recesses of hell. Sometimes I don't know if I am. Continue thinking that I am of demonic ancestry, because at this moment, I count myself among the ranks of the damned. I have hurt those who are pure, scarred the innocent, and while I regret having caused pain, I take comfort in the fact that I can stem the flow of misery, at least for those who surround me with such questioning looks in their gazes. I cannot heal, I can only destroy. I learned that a long time ago. Yiling asked me yesterday..."He hurt you badly, right?" Oh, the bitterness of irony. It was I who hurt him. It was I who drove him away. Yet everyone only remembers the one and only time I have ever cried in all the years they've known me...the one significant event that villified him forever in the eyes of those who care about me. No one knows the tears he shed in my arms, the pain he felt when he saw me on my knees at the bus-stop, one of the few places where we could be open with each other. Regardless. The pain in my heart is starting to solidify into a thick river of ice, and in its place...a glacier of icy calmness slowly takes hold. I am chilled, not by the weather, but by the coldness I am capable of. My emotions are not open for public discussions, my tears private, and the only outlet I have for my pain is my bottle of alcohol, and my way with words. I count myself lucky that before my star burns out, I have had the opportunity to enlighten those who once were entrenched in darkness. Alas...I too must obey the call of Azrael, and my period of light is over. We all return to whence we came. Man to dirt, light to dark, life to death. This is the eternal cycle that governs the world we live in. Even angels and demons are powerless to halt this cycle. The whole point to this post? Well, I am withdrawing, yes. But I understand that there will be repercussions, and backlash for what I am about to do. They will not affect me, they never have, but it is not me I am worried about. I am everything society fails to understand. Perhaps I am darkness incarnate after all. I long for the warmth of the light, but I get burned too easily and retreat to places of intense darkness where I can brood and allow the darkness within to intensify. This is who I am. I drink to escape my problems, I can slip through fingers and hearts quicker than fine sand, and I can vanish in the blink of an eye. I am capable of greatness, be it for the side of good, or for the mindless destruction of evil. I lied when I said I can't heal. I've healed many a fallen angel, helped them regain their wings. But they leave me with a seed of darkness within their hearts, and that, my friends...is the ultimate triumph, and the greatest proof of how dark my soul is. As black as the night, as all-consuming, as powerful, as mighty, but also as misunderstood. And as lonely. The night is grand, it is glorious. But it is also solitary, for all of us nocturnal creatures are lone predators. We hunt alone, we live alone...and we are always...alone. Perhaps it is best for all involved. I have masked my pain well, and now both factions are listening to me. I am calm, as I always am, and I am also a master illusionist. Do not be fooled by what you see if we pass each other in the street. The sweet little boy you see is capable of commanding entire legions from hell. I will taint no one else with my darkened aura. That will be my one and only saving grace.
You can have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.