Psychic Tears (ad infinitum)

Ok. I give up. I cave, I throw in the towel. I can't do this. I can't. I just can't. It has been too long since my last winter, at least where familial ties are concerned. I am not some unemotional ice prince, even though I sure act like it. I never show emotion to family. I can't. Don't ask me why. Too much water under the bridge. But fuck, I'm tired of this. The incessant fighting, me being dragged into every single fucking fight. There is a reason why I ran so far away, you fucktards. I don't want to be involved in any more fights. Just because I don't talk to you, because I present an unemotional facade...it doesn't mean I am some uncaring monster. Hell, there are times when I drag myself over asphalt just to get things done. So fine. I'm still the black sheep of the family. I'm never any good at anything. What does it matter if I have intelligence and wit? I never put it to any use in their eyes. What does it matter if I'm losing my skill at the piano because I'm using some broken down keyboard instead of a proper instrument? No, all that matters is that I never know what's going on until the blade is a breath away from my neck. Fine. I won't flinch. Just cut me like you always do. I have to fight to know what the fuck is going on between all four sets of parents? You think that it's easy for me, having to balance four fucking families on top of my other priorities? Fine. Go fight and claw each other for the sake of the greater good. I don' fucking care anymore. I called my old flames up tonight, and like faithful stars, they lent me some light. Fuck this all. I'm tired, and I no longer want to fight to remain afloat. Maybe I'll sink, but I definitely won't swim anymore. I can't disregard all the years that for everyone was so difficult. Shit. I'm gonna be a guy tonight, and just go out for a long walk that lasts a day. Why the fuck am I the last to know? And why has no one ever explained what goes on behind my back? How the fuck am I supposed to trust you, people? When none of you will trust me enough to tell me what is going on, especially when it concerns me? The tears are endless, and the pain is a constant. I don't think I'm suited for this. I'm not. Z, you were great. You could truly be a great guy if you wanted to be. Just think about what I said. You helped me out a lot tonight. Now I need alcohol, one of the old flames...and liquor. I have to bleed some of the frustration off. It's now ten, and the people are emptying from the world. For once, I have something that is pure and untainted. Maybe this will be my swan song. I'm not going to face the tears and music. Never again, family. You broke the boy in me, and it took me years to overcome that. I give up. The fight has drained me, the revelation has shaken me right down to my bones. To think that an adult relative would come to me seeking a mediator for this stupid quarrel that has been simmering undetected by me. Well, fuck this. I'm dressed, I have enough money on me for a booze binge, and I'm leaving the house now. Screw the consequences. None of you thought I'd have given a damn about the fight now, did you? Well, guess what. I do. Only those close to me get to see my emotions, and you've just lost that right.