Psychic Regression

With the setting of the sun, the tears fall freely. For a very long time, I have not sought solace and comfort in my words. But tonight, they are all I have. Last night I lost the last shred of self-worth I possessed. I couldn't quite understand why I felt so troubled initially, but now I know. I'm not cut out for this. My despair has regressed to a quiet resignation. I am resigned to my fate. And I know it will always be this way. Some men would die for the life I lead. Well, it certainly is killing me. I'm moving the piano to Bedok. I've moved out for good. I can't take it. The stress, the pain. And so I compounded my earlier mistake by messaging J. Told him what I missed, and he fell silent. Contemplate away, J. I've said what I've been fighting to hold back all these years, and now you know, do what you will. I have nothing more to say or do. Ball's in your court now. R has a ton of other responsibilities to juggle; I get that now. Z...*big great sigh* Z is something I wish I could undo. It shouldn't have happened, and now I feel contaminated. It's stupid, yeah. Look before you leap and all that. Great advice. Really. Only I've already leapt and landed on the sharp pointy rocks in the ravine below. So...nice sentiment, but it's too late. The deed is done, and my hands remain bloody. Let the clouds obscure the moon, the stars. Take away everything that is good and pure, for I have been condemned. Salvation is just a passing thought. There is no redemption for me. But Z, believe me, that one moment when our gazes locked and you were a breath away, I honestly thought I was a move away from checkmating the darkness that wells up within me. I can't do this anymore. I am regressing to the shadows from which I sprung. I have tried everything I know to rid myself of this stain upon my soul, but some things can't be washed away. I reached out to my angels, but then...I realised...why go on corrupting those who remain pure? I've done enough, and I'm pulling away. Let them live in light and flourish in lavish luxury. I will remain here, reunited with my piano, and no more reason to leave my sanctuary. Sanctuary. The very word makes me laugh. It is a harsh, bitter sound that expels from my lips. The very notion that one so darkened should have the audacity to have a place of peace...it's absurd. There are many things I regret, and I'm tired of always being wary, of being cautious, of being afraid. So reader beware. I will spill all in this post, length and caution be damned. I regret not telling one of the few people I've ever loved that I'm gay. My grandmother died as I was contemplating telling her precisely why I was so troubled. She had been trying to reach me for weeks, and I never got the chance to say goodbye, or explain to her why I resented so much. I was beside her when she passed on, but I couldn't find the strength to disappoint her by telling her I wasn't normal, at least by society's standards. We were very close, and I frequently spent my days with her before she succumbed to illness. The weeks that followed are a blank. I do not discuss her with any of my family members, though God knows they try. That's at the top of my regret list. Second is when I went for a chalet with my family. It was on a Friday, and on that very same day, my grand-uncle passed on. Coincidentally, he was very close to my grandmother too. The three of us often spent a great deal of time together. I was not told until Sunday, when we finally returned home. He was asking for me in his last moments, and I let the second person I loved down. These things haunt me, yet I have thrown them into the back of my mind to fester away. I am tired of always having to repress bad memories and fight to maintain equilibrium in a life so often riddled with loss. Then there are all the bad memories of the men I have had the misfortune to come across when I was younger. Suffice it to say that the experience is perhaps the chief reason why I cannot trust. I do not trust, I cannot trust, and today...I finally see the reason why. Oil and water, light and dark. I am throwing everything up today. A desperate attempt to find peace, but screw that. I deserve peace after all the shit that has happened. All the fights with the people I care about, all the little things about me that I can never explain. I am so so sorry, Z. For once, I want to have at least a week where I can sleep in peace and not be troubed by the demons that lurk in my mind, spawned by the devils in my past. Why can I not find peace? I can't. I tried to reach out to bridge the gap that has widened between me and the people I've driven away. I have lost my father, my dad, and the list goes on, ad infinitum. If loss only makes you stronger, how come I feel so weak now? Everyone agrees that I gave in to temptation with Z. Well, excuse me for wanting to be loved! I have spent my entire teenage formative years believing that I am on a fast train ride to hell with my homosexual orientation, and that I was undeserving of love and affection. Emotion is new to me, it is addictive. I am fascinated by the myriad of emotion that different people invoke in me. Love, lust, dislike,resentment. All this fascinates me. Excuse me for spending half my life as an emotional zombie completely devoid of feeling! Excuse me for trying to find affection when all I can come home to is four walls and total silence. Why do you think I am so attached to the piano? At least it fills up the silence. Why do I keep running away from everyone? Why can I not learn to trust? NO one knows much about me, and it is my fault for keeping it that way. It is my defense mechanism, and it is all I have left. I am lonely, yes. Who wouldn't be? All I have are the four walls that close in on me. I miss the sound of laughter, I miss the gaiety that a household should have. But I can't go back, because for me, thereis no redemption. So tell me, Gabriel. Where is your light now, angelus? I can't go home, I won't go home. I want a father to take me to the park, to play frisbee with me. I want a mum who won't judge me, who won't keep insinuating that I am an atrocity in the eyes of God. Most of all, I want peace. I'm tired of the loneliness, and I'm tired of all my mistakes in trying to ease that pain. I am so tired. I want to close my eyes and dream of contentment that lasts forever. I can't see R again. I can't see X. I can't see J. I've driven them all away with my inability to trust. I sit here in my room, and all I have is the silence. I am so tired of fighting, of missing everyone that I love. Of losing them to forces beyond my control. I love everyone that I come across, and it really really hurts when I have to attend their funerals knowing that there is so much left unsaid. That's it. If it hurts this much to feel, then I don't want to feel at all. Kit's words still haunt me. "Everyone you love leaves you. You don't deserve anyone." I'm so tired. All this because I tried to find affection for one brief, shining moment. Judge me, but my punishment has already been meted out. My solitude shall be my penance. Tomorrow my piano will arrive, freshly tuned and waiting to be placed. I cannot love, I cannot lust, I cannot have, I cannot trust. I give up. I tried, and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed. So there. Voila. The universe is trying to tell me something, but I was deafened by my insistence that I deserve love. Well, the earplugs are coming off now, and the piano, the darkness, and my pen shall be my constant companions.
The black of night shall drown out all light. For me there is neither wrong nor right.