Psychic Confusion

The night was so calm and peaceful, with a heavy storm brewing overhead. Z was up and awake, talking to me online. It was nice to actually talk and not fight as we normally do. Then he asked how I was...and he came down to my place in a cab. At five in the bloody morning. I went down to fetch him, while Heaven wept all around me. The lightning was an ominous sign, and the thunder was a constant warning. We went to my room...and talked. We were both lying on my bed, and he was pouring his heart out to me. I didn't know what to say, or do. I mean, we're kinda in the same boat with our woes of unrequited love. Basically my mind was this huge vacuum, and then his hand was on my shoulder, and sliding down my thigh. My reaction was completely natural, and one thing led to another. So yes, we wound up having sex, and he whispered that we ought to 'see each other' on a regular basis. My mind is fucked up now. It isn't fair. I should have been asleep tonight, I shouldn't have spoken to Z, I should have been thinking! My mind is whirling. What the fuck have I done? Oh, someone please shoot me now. He was affectionate all the way to the bus-stop, and I was this frozen marble statue. Completely devoid of emotion. Kill me. Please. I don't know what will ripple outward from this latest event, but I don't care. I'm close to tears and I want someone to talk to, someone who will tell me everything will be alright, and that things will go back to how they used to be. I can't do this anymore. Kenneth was right. Heck, even Phoebe may be right. I'm tired of the sex, the tears, the blood, the whole entire cycle. Sure, I've lusted after Z for years. I finally got to sleep with him this morning. But then what? We were both thinking of other people while doing the dastardly deed. That isn't normal! THIS isn't normal. It's all fucked up. I need a break. I need to breathe. I can't breathe. YOu know what? I needto run away somewhere. Liquor. Yes. I need a drink. GOD, I need a drink. Get away from it all, andI sure as hell don't have a vacation home in Majorca. Liqour's the only way to go! Z, I'm sorry. Give me some time to figure it all out. I've done everything a friend would do, and then some. *bangs head on wall* Bad Faiz! Badbadbadbad! Nonono. I need a leash and a muzzle for myself. *cries* What have I done?! I'm so used to having sex with one of my old flames that a new one feels completely alien to me? Does the problem lie with me? Ok, so I'm attuned to my flames. I know each and every one of their G-spots, their warning signs, their scent right before orgasm. WOw. I never knew a breath of fresh air could kill. ARGH! ENOUGH! I will not think about Z anymore. I'll go strangle myself now. R was asking yesterday if I'd met any new guys. Maybe I can go rant about my mistake to him. Not that Z was a mistake...I can still taste him. NO! ARGH! NONONO! *smacks head* Please. Shoot. Me. Now. SEIF!!