Psychic Chaos

*sigh* It appears that some fates are meant to be unchanged. I missed him yet again, but this time...I am not scrabbling to tie up loose ends. It's evolved to the stage where I feel that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. You know? Life goes on, the world continues spinning on its axis. I'm just a tiny speck among millions of other life-forms. What do I have to offer, what do I possess that makes me different? At 3 in the morning, heat has flooded my veins and suddenly I find myself reaching for the bottle. Heck, I don't smoke. I'm allowed the occasional drink. I am just so tired of the continual misunderstandings, the hot and cold periods that always leave me high and dry. It's not just my troubled relations that is bugging me tonight. It's the fact that...if I do go through with this...it'll mean I've moved out for good. I'm not going back, and both my parents know this. I have not stayed there for longer than four hours in over two years. And suddenly the implications of that sentence have hit me. Well...it's fly or die. Everyone has a fatal flaw...and mine is that I cannot trust. Every time it seems like someone is getting too close, my barriers go all the way up and I end up driving the person away. God, I can practically taste the alcohol. I wish it dosn' have to be this way. But when chaos strikes (and I am always at ground zero when it happens) I just need to find some release. I can't do this, I'm not strong nough. Chocolates and alcohol. Yum. My mind is going all blurry...oh, wait. I think that's my eyelids falling shut. I was frightened today, when eh messaged me, and I thought...well, this is it. I was frightened because I realisd today...I don't do trust. Frightening? You tell me. So...J. Here itcomes. It's not you, it's me. I don't trust you, adn the fact that you left me alone all these years doesn't help your credibility. So you came back. Big whoop. R has vanished, making me hate him too. What is up with these guys? Shit, my taste in men sucks big time. I'm going to take a long walk along the short pier at the reservoir. Maybe I'll fall in and at least fulfil my prophecies of a tragic death. I can't think anymore, because if I do, the weight of my thoughts will suffocate me. It's already hard to breathe as it is. So,J. Here itis. I love you, still do, forever and always. Stupid, cliched, annoyinly irritating for me. Some stupid emotion that clings to me like limpets on a rock atlow tide. Screw you. In every sense of the word. I hate you, then I love you, and I hate how much power that gives you over me. Heck, my parents dont even have a fraction of the control you exert over me. Continue keeping me on this short leash. Maybe it'll choke me. I can't see you. I just can't. God, I need more acohol. There's an ugly hammerng at the backof my head, and I feel vaguely nauseated. Ugh. I have been the center of so many firestorms recently, the catalyst for chaos that I think my karmic debt iscatchting up with me. Oh. Brian just died. I'm off to space out somewhere with a trusty bottle and lots of chocolate. If R is still alive, I'm gonna kill him. *annoyed* J, your words are nothing without your presense to back it up. If you mean what you say, prove it.
Look around you; I'm the king of everything and nothing.