Psychic Rift

Sometimes it seems that life is nothing more than a dream. And I am a mere phantom drifting through its flows. The rift between us has not healed, even after all this time. And now I can see that more rifts are growing. How do I close them alone? My heart is heavy with melancholy on this chilly morning. Perhaps I am slightly saddened by my failure to revive a dead relationship. Perhaps. Occasionally, I wish I had the power to become translucent...and just fade away. Just have a few moments of peace for the times when I really need calm. Other times, nature soothes what I never knew was hurting. So I guess it's all fair and part of life. My room is cold, and the chill cuts to the bone. Is it my fear of failure, or the actual act of failing that weighs me down? On this issue...I think it is the former that cuts me so. I am afraid of losing the fragile bond we have right now. Scared that if I make the wrong move, it will shatter and I will lose the last thread that connects me to the man I love. The word 'love' is a mere mockery of what I feel, of what this mortal man has made me feel. I, who pride myself on the presentation of false illusions; I who have been capable of leashing my emotions so tightly that I come across as cold and unemotional to those I do not trust...all these come to naught in the face of the one man who has seen into the depths of my heart. I cannot move for fear of being checkmated. But even if I remain stationary, Time will mock me as he turns Night into Day...months into years. Even now, as I contemplate the ruins of my heart, the sun is emerging from his slumber and threatening to burn the cool darkness of Night away. Time has not failed since his creation, and there is no reason for him to hear my pleas now. *tilts head* There are subtle nuances in a person's heart...I seeded love with the intention for it to grow and blossom. Yet in my haste to savour the sweetness of its flowers, I moved too quickly and killed it instead. *sigh* Not many can understand my ability to remain deep in thought for hours at a time, and even close friends can be driven to hair-pulling frustration at my eccentricities. My family has long since ceased to attempt to gain insight into my strange ways and behaviour. I am one who can spend all night thinking, all day filling my room with music, and then spend the next 24 hours completely asleep with no regard for the consequences, trivial as they are to me. My moods are as erratic as my sleeping pattern. This, I think, is the chief cause of the rifts between me and those I hold dear. I am uncomfortable with emotion, and while it is easy to spill thoughts and words on paper or online, I find it much harder to speak freely when face to face with a person. I become much les eloquent and often stumble to find the right words to say. Yet I will not change the fabric of who I am, will not alter my essence at its basest to reconnect with those I've lost or alienated through my strangeness. These rifts...will they ever heal? I do not know. The sun is here, and the birds are riotous in their cacophonous harmony. The stars fade before the light of the sun...it is time for me to bow before a higher being and surrender my destiny.
These tears of blood spill from my heart into a river of regret.