Psychic Grief

I am not entirely immune to the effects of time. The years drift by, but in this valley of despair I reside in, the darkness gives no indication of how much time has passed. Yet my body ages, even though my heart remains youthful in its naivete and innocent hope. A sweeping wave of melancholy and bitterness washed over me tonight. As the moon glowed brightly in its fullness, my heart ached with the weight of words long since spoken...yet the phantoms haunt me relentlessly. I knelt with my head in my knees, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill...into an endless river of regrets and sorrow. The moon appeared to grieve too, hiding her beauty behind a veil of black clouds. I wanted to lie down in the grove of trees, allow my tears to flow into the cradle of the earth, and let the phantoms taunt me. I feel I wasn't good enough. How many times have I lifted my face heavenward, and asked for the return of an angel? How many angels have flown away from me, confident that I could stand without them? The orange glow of sunset washed over me, and I felt like I was in purgatory, with the fiery pain in my heart being my penance. Is this my punishment? I dreamt I was running after him, but he was lost to me. I awoke with tears soaking my pillow, and pain razoring my heart. I have not spoken of my misery, except in shattered bits and pieces. And tonight, I don't know why...the night drew me out of the tower I hide myself in, and all the pain, the bitterness, the yearning...spilled out of my heart like an endless flood that was matched only by the tears I was fighting to hold back. How often have I shoved the pain away, so I don't have to deal with the heartache? I cannot fight Time, and his close cousin Change. I am powerless before these two formidable entities. I am but a mortal. Can I bring back an angel when I have nothing to offer but my undying love? I close my eyes, but it does nothing to hinder the tears that fall so freely. I can do nothing but cry and hope that one day...someday...before I breathe my last, that I will see him one last time and say the words I never could say.
I didn't realise how much it hurts.