Psychic Disenchantment

Recently, the fires of my heart have been raging away. Someone wise once mentioned that in a person's heart, there can only be three principal emotions. Love, hate or fear. I have, of course, experienced all three. The dominant emotion now is fear. Fear of obscurity. That I have left an indelible mark upon the one who has stolen my heart, I have no doubt. I have made every mistake possible, and I regret every single one of them. I think...men do not learn from mistakes until regret comes into the picture. I did not learn my lesson with Alex, nor with the guys that followed. Yet it was with the one that mattered, the one who slipped away...who taught me regret...that I finally learned. Perhaps...this incident holds more than one lesson in regret. Perhaps some things, once lost...can never be regained. I do not know. But I do know, that even years from now...even if I have to go to his grave and whisper these words that echo in my empty heart, I will not stop loving him. Some loves are meant to be, destined to glitter like the stars...eternal. Others are tragic in their burst of passion and heat that lasts only moments, like the beautiful comets that leave a haunting impression in their wake. Sometimes...when I close my eyes, I can relive the memories, the soft beat of his heart, the butterflies that erupted in my stomach when our gazes met. The laughter, the tears, the apologies afterwards that made the arguments seem trivial. How I felt invincible in the armour of love...some nights, I thought I could even glow and hold the darkness at bay. Yet when I open my eyes, all I see is the darkness that blankets me. For you see, I have lost that mystical armour worn by all victorious warriors of love. Do not misunderstand my musings to mean that I understand love to be violent and tumultous. I could stand on the top of the tallest tower, with storms raging around me...but with him, that calmness wove itself into my soul. I was unafraid. I was peaceful. Dare I say it...I was happy. How can this feeling defy logic? It is supposed to fade with time...not grow in strength. Where once stars adorned my soul...now only the black velvet of darkness remains. The slightest pressure threatens to crack me, and all I want to do is return to the safety of his arms. Who cares if the world mocks us for being gay? Who cares if they turn away in disapproval? If they shield their children's eyes from the evils they believe we embody? We had something pure. Something they could not understand. They with all their morals, they who taught their kids to hate. They who hate us for our capacity to love. If only Time responded to pleas...I would take away all the pain I inflicted. All the confusion, all the hatred. I curse my helplessness. My love is my weakness. Apollo lost Hyacinth. And I have lost you. Apollo was a God who could transform his lover's blood into a flower, the hyacinth. I am a mere mortal who can do no such feat. I can only love with all my heart and soul.
You were the rose among the thorns.