Psychic Stone

It seems vaguely unreal to me, this life that I now live. The differences between past and present are mind-boggling, perhaps that is why I have subconsciously erased most of my memories of what has been, and instead focused on what will be. As I walked under the dome of the heavens, and the clouds veiled the stars and moon, I felt something shift in my heart. A slight subtle flicker, but in that one instant, everything clicked. I use emotion as a weapon, as one of my illusions, as a veil to distract people while I slip deeper into my shell. Emotion...exists outside my sphere of concern. I have not dealt with anything at all, and that is why...after all these years, I can honestly say...I'm still pining away for the boy who captured my heart, for the boy who became a man when I blinked twice and was out the door a breath later. I feel like a stone statue, for all the emotion that burns within my heart. My expression is impassive, and I wonder if there is any way for me to bridge the gap between past and present. I seal my heart off when emotion threatens to glance my way, I step out of light into shadow the instant it seems I might feel...yet I don't understand why. I scattered my words and thoughts to the winds, and suddenly I felt so much lighter. A stone as light as a feather, I drifted off home as the winds pulled me on my way. I used emotion as a weapon against J, as illusions to ward my heart from intrusion, as a shield. I should feel ashamed at the outright desecration of something so many people hold sacred, but then...stones don't feel. I'll pretend the moisture on my cheeks came from the heavens, as rain moistens the earth. I don't want to remember any of it, the pain, the short-lived joy, the fireworks that exploded in my head as our souls touched. The silence, the anguish of my years weigh me down even more. Why are stones heavy? Well, I think I know the answer to that one now. I don't expect anything, but if it's possible and salvation is more than just a word, I don't want to be stony anymore. I've said once before, we can never run from our past. But never have I wanted to run so hard and fast before. I feel lost. And so so so inadequate for the road that lies ahead. Come back, all that I have lost. I cannot deal with the mortal pain of losing anymore. Not when frost grips my heart and I feel frozen, as hard and emotionless as stone.
You promised...and now I'm calling for you. Will you come back and hold me as I die just a little more?