Psychic Seals

As the winds rise around me, and a magnificent storm descends, I find my heart sealing itself off slowly. There's only so much I can deal with. The rest has to be shoved aside, placed at the back of my mind to fester and rot while I tend to my most grievous wounds. I've sealed myself off in this dark palace that I call home, the winding gardens that are mine to roam. The moon has been so conspicuously absent of late, but somehow...I don't mind. The darkness is a blessing, and I can weave in and out of the shadows undetected, letting the winds tug me this way and that. I'm too tired to fight anymore. Go if you want. X is leaving. R left, and I don't blame him because I know the national examinations are coming up and I want him to do his best in his chosen field. The doors to this place are flung wide open, as are the windows, but my tower remains empty. Suddenly...unreasonably, I think, I find myself missing Baby. That little bugger running around and chasing everything that moves. I miss cuddling him. Oddly enough, he's the only cat my allergies remain dormant for. Any other cat will have me sneezing violently in seconds. My mood lightens slightly with the descent of night. True darkness has begun. And I rise with her. I have given up on ever winning those I've lost. Loss. Such an insignificant word. Love. Just as insignificant. Yet they seem so monumental to me now, when I stare at their cold realities, and at the mess they have created in my otherwise calm and structured life. I was there three days, and I made a difference during the first two. By the third day, too exhausted to care, I left and went home to rest and gather myself up for what I know will be one of the hardest periods I will ever face. The loss of a father, the only one I have known for 19 years. A dark period indeed. I have sealed my emotions off to prevent myself from being hurt. These seals serve me well, and as I leave to dance in the shadows of Night as one of her children, I must remember that there is none powerful enough to ward against pain forever. Seals are temporary fixes, but they get the job done so I don't end up...well. Like so many people I know. Knew. Baby refused to let me out the door this morning. Tried to follow me out. Heartbreaking eh? I think they know somehow. The mysteries of feline wisdom. *sigh* Houses...they are empty shells. Like bodies. They need souls to colour their interiors and make their exteriors welcoming and complete. Still...a good portion of my life was spent in that house. That's where I first learned the meaning of the word 'death' and 'loss', and that's where I learned to seal myself off from excruciating pain. She was a breath away from me when she passed on, and the only recollection I have of that horrible memory is her body on the floor. I pressed my lips to her forehead unwillingly, because I didn't want to see what Azrael was capable of. But there were customs to observe, and at that time, I thought it was a very cruel tradition. You never truly heal. You just learn to deal with the pain. I remember...the first time. It was morning, and misty sunlight was filtering in throughout the house. He held me in his arms, and he whispered the words that I secretly treasure so much. That was nearly three years ago, and I remember listening to 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' by Charlotte Church in the morning as he drove me home. These memories are mine, although the place in which they were formed is being taken away from me. I spent my last morning there today, willing myself not to cry, although Baby's reaction to my imminent departure broke me in the end. Sniffling, I ran my fingers through his soft fur as he mewled softly and wound himself around my ankles, a cat's plea not to leave. I said my goodbyes, as I always do, and I left with the knowledge that I cannot change my father, nor can I reclaim what I've lost. It is a difficult lesson for me, learning to let go. Letting go is difficult for everyone.
It broke my heart to see her in tears, and even though the closed door muffled the strength of her pain and the sound of her sobs, I felt it as acutely as if it were my own. I wanted to hug her, to tell her to be strong for her son, but the words dried to ash in my throat as I once again sealed my heart off from the emotions of others. I remember once, when I sat at the bus stop with a friend, and she was crying. I didn't want to cry with her, so I invoked the emotional seal that has kept me sane all these years, and the resulting consequence was that I was thought of as 'cold'. That's probably what she thought too, as I turned my back on her while heartbreak and separation threatened to suffocate her. I don't know. I was there for him, for them both. I lifted spirits from the gloom, granted them salvation, but my own eludes me. As the winds swirl around outside, and Night calls me, I wonder...will I ever find it? Or is this what I have been condemned to? A lifetime of nocturnal pursuits, where I am considered far from normal and the rest of humanity avoids me because I am, apparently, 'odd'? I don't want to be cold anymore. But I don't want to be the little boy in the hospital cafeteria all over again. I wonder, if perhaps...the stars that twinkle above are the assigned thrones of the angels who watch over us? What happens when a dark cloud obscures them? I can type no more, because I can no longer find words to express the anguish ravaging my heart. I messaged my father one last time, a message I believe he chose to ignore. My words were simple. 'Whatever you do, you will always be my dad.' He never called. They never do, in the end.
I invoke the seals that were seeded in my heart as a child, awaken and protect me as I become a man.