Psychic Longing

There is something about the night that draws my soul out. Tonight I remember all the feelings that once were so foreign to me, something I could not understand at first. The euphoria of first love, the bitterness of first parting. The freedom I discovered hidden in the night air, the exhilaration as I run along the corridors of darkness that belong solely to me. Wings of darkness lifted me up. I may see him again, I don't know. But I sense change in the air, as surely as a blind bat senses nightfall. My illness cannot contain me anymore; I have risen. I will continue rising, I will continue fighting. I will continue hoping that you'll understand someday, J.
R has vanished completely, yet again. I feel a pang as I remember what we both went through the last time he confronted his personal demons. It was years before we spoke again. I'm not sure if I can keep this cycle going. Love, sex, silence. On and on, ad infinitum. Perhaps it is time I broke it, R. If you can't decide what you want, then maybe I should. I don't want to wait; I'm tired of doing that for all the people who matter. Night usually sees me dewed in sweat, regardless of how chilly the air gets, but tonight I feel perfectly cool with nary a drop anywhere. Music fills my heart and head, and suddenly I am not some dying lovelorn boy who cannot bend the universe to his will. I am nowhere and everywhere all at once, and I can feel his warmth. The stars are no longer beyond my reach; they are all around me. Will you be the brightest jewel in my court, J? The stars pale in comparison to the bright sun that you are. You are joy incarnate. Laughter flows in waves from your expressive eyes, and you give me peace on days that seem endless and long. The silence kills me slowly, but I cannot deny you the peace and freedom that I know you so deserve. Even if it kills me to pine for you quietly, I know you have sacrificed too much for me. Oh, the thorns of love are many and puncture deeper than I thought they ever would. But if nothing else, this proves that the love I have for you is not false. And that fact alone gives me strength to bear the wounds only love can bring. I have not faltered once in all these years, but sometimes...I wonder. If I had not hidden my insecurities behind petty arguments and terrible tantrums...would you have stayed to calm the storms in my heart? That question brings a rueful smile to my face. You're still here, aren't you? Each year brings that much healing back to us. Perhaps this year, J. Your bag still sits next to my drawers, growing more forlorn every year, as does the man who still loves you. I saw the look you tried to hide that night, as you watched me go. You caught my hesitation, but the traffic lights had already changed. Maybe soon, J. Maybe soon. I can only hope...and wait.
For you I'd pen a thousand songs.