Psychic Loss

It has been a stupid week, but today's events took the cake. Top in my list of 'worst day ever'. Some small part of my mind is hammering away, going, "Why? Whywhywhywhy?" Another part is going, "You were stupid to have waited for so long." Perhaps it was the lack of sleep that drained me so much, but when I idly sifted through pages of the present, and the information jumped out in my face...my heart shattered. I felt it accelerate, then cease beating altogether. My already sleep-deprived mind numbed itself. I felt like a zombie, and I know it's my defense mechanism at work, that automatic function that kicks in when I'm vulnerable. So what if it's been 3 years? I do not love easily, but I do with great strength. I need Kenneth now more than ever, I need someone to tell me why I've lost so many men I considered central figures in my life. Yeah, so what if I've grown up to be a man in my own right? That doesn't mean I can't foster relations with other men. Does it? I don't know. It has been 18 years now. And I have not learnt how to trust another person. It hurts. Mostly because I know the problem lies with me. I cannot trust another person implicitly. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I have that uneasy voice that whispers that they could leave at any moment. If I could take back all the pain that I've caused to those I care about, those who care about me in turn, I would without hesitation. But see, that's the thing about time. It is a one-way street, and I've missed my turnaround. Is it because I couldn't trust, is that why these men that I consider so important in my evolution have left? Days, weeks...what does it matter? Time has no meaning for me. I know I cannot change the past, and I have no faith for the future. All I can do is live in the present, and weep bloody tears for a history only I care to remember. Fate crossed our paths, and it left a deep wound in my heart. It was not the intertwining of two souls that hurts me; it is our bitter parting. Is it possible for me to close my eyes and not awaken to the constant pain that is my sole companion every single day? The pain sears my heart tonight. I spent an hour in the toilet, trying to drown out the memories and imagining that each droplet of water is a magical eraser capable of erasing my mistakes and my pain. Can I make a prayer, condemned as I am? Perhaps in the cosmic scheme of things...the Big Guy up there truly despises gay people, sees us as mistakes, and therefore this is my penance. I heard a line that really hit me today. "If you let someone into your heart, you leave the door open for any one else to come in." I cannot begin to describe how much I hate this frailty that accompanies a broken heart. And to be honest, c'est ridiculous, non? After three years, and I'm still painfully in love. I tried to believe that it was love, and not stubborn stupidity that held my heart in an iron grip. I project an image of playful flirtatious fun, but deep inside, I believe I will love no other. There should only be one father, one mentor, one lover, one half to a person. And I have lost each and every single man that has ever mattered to me. I am capable of hiding my emotions, although tonight the lack of sleep compounded with my emotional pain sent me into a sluggish state. I have the entire weekend, but then again...who's keeping time? I'll just crawl up into my corner and drown in the sea of lovely memories.