Psychic Lethargy

The night has receded, and the skies are a cloudy gray. My throat has been burning all night, and I've resigned myself to the fact that I have lost both mentor and father. Today I can finally leave. Not that I hate it here, it's just awkward and I'm tired of skirting around everything. Having triggered a minor firestorm over the weekend, I allayed the fears of those around me, but I couldn't reach him when it mattered. Not much I can do about it anymore. And after two years, I'm just too tired. I will be back home soon, in the realm where I am king. In the place where exquisite beauty is crafted from darkness, where I can draw on my sources for inspiration and strength. There is no guarantee that I'll ever see him in such close proximity again, and this applies to both men that I have lost. Perhaps there will be occasional brushes when our paths cross, but I'm not holding my breath. Funny. I've been looking forward to today, the day when I'm finally able to leave this graveyard where good memories come to die, yet I feel no elation at my freedom. People scoff when birds refuse to leave their cages, but I finally understand why. In the relative safety of their cages, there is security. Everyone is still slumbering, the cats are slinking around the house quietly with the natural grace of predators, and I find myself coughing and sniffling and feeling sorry for myself. I have never felt worse, but still the show goes on. My weariness goes so much deeper. *sighs* It is a gloryless morning that surrounds me today, but for once my senses are still. The need for rest is great, but there are other commitments that I must fulfil today. I have allowed things to come to this, and now it is time for me to decide what I can actually fix and what has been damaged beyond repair.
My muses are no match for reality.