Psychic Rumination

The night has drawn all the light out of my soul. It has been four days since my last post, and in that short span of time, the world as I know it appears to have undergone a horrific transformation. Even as dawn approaches, I know the sun's rays will not warm my chilled flesh. I fear I have gone too far this time. The ramifications of my actions were considered only after the deed was done. I am drowning in darkness, and when even the sun fails to burn these mists of shadow away, who can save me? I imagine if I were to touch the flowers that I secretly cherish so, they would wither and die. I cannot face the demons that I have helped to bring to life. I cannot fight what I have had a hand in creating. I failed to understand the gravity of my actions. And now when the Piper asks for his payment, my only wish is to fade away into obscurity. Let me fade away. The following weeks will be painful for those around me. This much I know will be true. For once, I have not looked up at the heavens in their nightly splendour. When the wind caressed my cheek, I turned away. Now I sit in silent misery as the darkness swallows up all the light and goodness. I have miscalculated before, I have lost many gambles. These losses still pain me so, although I am so good at masking my emotions that at times I can fool myself into feeling no pain. These mental barriers are falling apart now. When the sun is high in the sky today...where will I be? The question still haunts me, following me doggedly like a second shadow. The very air that I breathe feels clotted and heavy, and it makes me feel devoid of all hope. The distance continues to grow every day. While I may make no mention of it, every day that passes scars my heart. Each moment to come threatens to break me. My darkness was enough to alarm several people, and while I was surprised, I believe that was the only emotion that touched me. The rest of the emotions blew past me like wisps of winds to signal the coming storm. Those who read my words regularly, those who know me...will know that storms usually delight me. But this storm that is heading my way will be the end of me, I fear. In the past five years, since Jeremy, I have evolved, I have changed, I have grown. I have experienced feelings I never thought existed, my skills on the piano and with the pen have reached a calibre I never thought was possible for me. I am no longer afraid to reach back through time and touch on memories that have frightened me for years. I no longer fear my macabre dreams. Yet...I find myself at the end of the line. My evolution is complete, my heart has experienced all that I believe it can take, and now I wish to bring the remnants of it with me to my grave. I cannot be tied down by limitations; I am too much of a free spirit. I would rather end things on my terms, rather than be driven to my death by forces beyond my control. These words spill out so easily...yet they are formed from the depths of my soul. Only an idiot would be unable to decipher the meaning behind such vague, obscure words. I contemplate what I have done in my life, and truly, I would rather be the shooting star and live a few moments bathed in glory before going out with a bang than be a static yet boring permanent fixture. I really wish I could find something, anything to restore my spark which has fizzled out so abruptly. But between now and dawn, I doubt an angel would come down from the heavens to touch a mere mortal's life. Perhaps it would have been better if we'd never met. That sentence is open for interpretation. As am I. I am beyond comprehension, even to myself.
Sermonen finire.