Psychic Resignation

Night healed me in her own way. I feel calm enough to take up my scythe and kill off what I know is already dying. I am light, I am shadow, I am both and I am everything that the two encompasses. The tears of blood are an endless river. I am resigned to my fate, because I know what will happen. Yesterday I found out something about my relationship with my father. I went home for a while, and revelations attacked me right and left. I am hurt, but I will not show it. I am dying, but I will not acknowledge it. Certain facts, certain truths...are better left unsaid. Suffice it to say that I feel betrayed, yet relieved that I had not opened my heart. I was about to, give or take a few more weeks, but then the cats decided to jump out of the bag. And therefore my heart is sealed once more. The skies are grey and lifeless, like a drowned corpse. I take no pleasure in watching light flood the earth. I know what must be done, even if it pains me to do it. I cannot allow myself to be hurt that way again. By anyone. I only have strength for this one last death. Regarding our conversation on the topic of religion...I had nothing to say because my feelings fluctuate irregularly. We are all looking for inner peace. I have sought for many years, in places both light and dark, and I have not found it. Perhaps I never will. The sun is weeping too, it seems. Golden tears that warm the hearts of the fallen. I have not lost a father, because I never had one. They were all men with their own agendas. Sex, love, whatever it was that they fancied I could give them. I am only a mere object subjected to the whims and fancies of these people. I will not cry for this perceived loss. I have no right to. I've been looking for love from all the wrong sources. I know why I am so attracted to father figures. Do I still need to spell it out? I cannot fog the truth anymore, because the darkness has grown too intense. I give to all the wrong people, and I take from all the right ones without returning the favour. *bows* Tomorrow will be the day that decides my fate. I will never look upon you as my fathers again. I have not lost, because I never had. My scythe feels heavy and unwieldy in my cold hand. *cries* Can I do this? Do I have the strength to? It was not I who put distance between us. As life drifts past me, and people drift away...I find that I have all I need within me. Does peace come from within or without? Answer me this, Gabriel. The minutes drag on...each one killing me that much more. A fresh wave of tears engulfs me. Why is it that I keep losing? I have loved, and I have lost. Yet I continue to lose without knowing why. I cannot control the strength of my emotions. 'Love'. The word sickens me to my very core. *shakes head* I cannot give myself away in person. It is who I am. The things I have gone through have made me wary of people in general, but I am beginning to trust once more. Today it is not fire that fills my veins, but a glacial calmness that crystallizes my tears into sparkling drops of ice. I may be losing everything that I hold dear, I may never be able to open my heart again, but in this room as sunlight filters through the barriers I have put in place, I feel a sense of calmness. It is the same calm I have witnessed on many a dying person. They who have found peace. At that time, I wept for them, not understanding what it was that they had gained. *sigh* I am truly resigned. I have cut off too many people in my quest to ease the burning pain that poisons my heart. I cannot explain myself to another, because I do not have the answers either. J...I tried. I waited two years for you to decide, and you have by your very indecision. To my fathers...there is nothing more to say. But I hope the apple falls far far far from the tree. And I am shadow once more, dark and ethereal.
The flawless illusion of contentment has vanished. But I am still here for those who seek.