Psychic Cleansing

There are many varied meanings to the word 'cleansing'. Tonight, it means I've thrust the darkness away, and focused on cleansing my body and soul. I am still bleeding, and I fear the wounds are turning gangrenous, for the flesh surrounding the damaged tissue is turning a deep purplish-black. I have lifted the dead skin that covers the tender flesh underneath, and it hurts like the very devil himself. The flow of blood has stopped for today, and I have cleaned the affeted areas as best as I can, but there are still areas I cannot reach, due to the angle and my lack of flexibility. I can bend quite well, but not that way. I cannot cut the skin away, firstly because I do not know the area that should be removed, and I fear that any more trauma to the area would be detrimental. This, I suspect, is the primary reason why I got poisoned. My mobility is not severely impaired, partly because I believe I can ignore the stabbing pain to a certain degree. The wound on my back has healed completely, and the cuts across my chest have healed, and the scars are fading slowly. But these two plague me, and I do not know how to heal them. It has been months, and I fear they are getting worse. I refuse to see a doctor, and hopefully they will close and fade given more time. J has not abandoned me after all, and R has been rather persistent in getting me to meet up with him for lunch. We both know that our chosen time of 1:30pm in a crowded location is an attempt on his part not to get tangled up in my already messy sex/love life. Whether that attempt will succeed remains to be seen, because despite my misgivings, I wish to remain updated on Alex and Dennis. It was I who destroyed their 2 year relationship, partly because of Alex's stubborn refusal to see truth, and Dennis' incredible short-sightedness when it came to what Alex and I were doing behind his back. I had not expected Dennis to walk out on Alex, and the months that followed were torturous for all of us. Dennis is still seething now, years after my reign as the demonic lover in school. He looks really good now, and he's already graduated from JC, gravitating towards the degree I'd always known he was striving for, despite his claims to the contrary. We crossed paths at our former school, and his eyes narrowed in recognition. I felt trapped, but there were the formalities to acknowledge. A smirk played on his lips, and I felt even worse. There are a thousand apologies that have died on my tongue in my 19 years of life, and the apology that I owe Dennis is great indeed. I met Alex a few months ago. He was with, surprise, surprise...a girl! Our gazes met and firmed, and then I turned away and returned to my book, ignoring the questioning look he fired my way. The bus was packed, but Fate decided to place us within reach of each other. But he understood the frost in my body language, and he returned to his conversation with the unknown lady next to him, occasionally shooting me unfathomable glances. That is the only time I've seen him since I moved, and although my heart calls out to him, I know it will only be a temporary fix. Alex was my willing first, and he'd already stepped smartly out of my life the day I transferred to Yuying. But I will always remember and secretly cherish the days when he would escape from his commitments to Dennis to take me to his house, only a minute's walk from mine. He taught me all the skills that I now possess, from my first kiss, to playing Rondo Alla Turca and everything else in between. What he did not teach he enhanced. Of course, back then I was a destructive devil, and I triggered apocalypse in our otherwise calm and quiet school environment. Oh, my regrets are many. Perhaps someday...I will be offered a chance to cleanse my soul of all the vile acts I have committed. But until that day arrives, I will continue my oscillation between light and dark, like a pendulum doomed to swing back and forth until the skies collapse. I was offered a chance at partial redemption by an unexpected source, someone both J and I disliked back in school. But now H has extended a hand to me, and I will not allow something as foolish as pride and resentment to bind me to the shadows forever. The winds swirl around me, knocking over everything small and light, touching my young body with coolness. Closing my eyes, I think I can faintly see Heaven, and the entire host of angels smiling down at me. Perhaps they too are glad that after so many days of darkness, I am willing to step out into the light. Tomorrow will mark another milestone in my life. It will be the first time I have sacrificed something I hold dear to me for someone I feel nothing for. As I have explained before...cleansing has many meanings. And I will continue trying to cleanse my relationships of the dark taint of corruption from the times when darkness veils me in shadow. I will return to my quiet contemplation and wonder if he ever remembers the first touch, the first kiss, and the fragrant scent of a beautiful first love.