Psychic Darkrising

Everytime I close my eyes, a picture will slowly take shape, the lines inking outward from a focal point, swirling and twisting to form a complete portrait that usually mirrors how I feel. Tonight, as I battle my usual pain, I close my eyes, and I see blacks and reds of different hues surrounding my physical self. It is almost smokelike, as it cloaks me, this darkness that rises. Blood runs out my open veins, trailing down my arms, multi-hued reds that give me colour among all the different blacks. A river of life, a river that kills me as it lives its final moments running freely down my body, its freedom bringing the kiss of death upon me. Fatally seductive, to watch as I stand with splashes of blacks and reds, smoke and life intertwining as I give my life up for this terrible beauty. It is morbid, I know. But understand this. My mind conjures up images whenever I close my eyes. And tonight, this is the dark and terrible beauty that it has presented me with. I am fascinated to see myself draped in my own blood and surrounded by darkness. I am witnessing my own death. And I am not frightened, or afraid, or remorseful. I am fascinated. Once, I was sitting through a draggy art class. I felt trapped, I felt caged, hemmed in among the students in my class. Everyone was busily working away on their charcoal sketches. I wrote this short but meaningful (to me) verse. Here it is.
Blood of magick willingly given. You will force the power to be risen.
Give rise to the winds, clouds now gather. Rain shall fall, lightning will shatter.
It reflects what I was feeling at that time, and the words were prophetic. *sighs* The sentences just flowed out from me. That was then, and this is now. The darkness that I wear around me these days is a tame kitten compared to the raging oceans of blackness that engulfed me back then. Why am I spilling such dark thoughts from the recesses of my soul? *ponders* I don't know, honestly. In my vision tonight, the darkness had a place to move, the blood that runs through me had an outlet. But as I sit here, I find myself growing increasingly restless and nursing a craving for either sex or alcohol. Maybe both at the same time, I don't really care. But on this night, as my vision skewers all illusions and I see the pathways that I could have taken, should have taken, and seen what could have been, the edges of my aura wilt and darken to an absolute black. Drifting through the crowd of humanity, listening to their words and seeing their characters...I felt really out of place. It was fun, it was nice. But I felt lonely, even though there were people everywhere. I was in the sea of humanity, but I felt like a fish out of water. Each Night sees me soaked in a little more darkness. How long more before I turn to my old ways? *shakes head* The moon is a crescent, a curved blade in the night sky. And every time I blink, every time I close my eyes, I see blades running down my flesh, drawing lines of blood that eventually converge to become a torrential river. Darkness swirls around me, spirits of Night that wreath me in different shades of black. I cannot fight both mind and body at the same time. My physical wounds are healing well, and right now I must tend to the psychic ones that have formed. I wanted to pray...but then, I am too darkened now to face the light. I wish to have them returned to me. And if push comes to shove, I suppose I can always rely on my bag of tricks to get me what I want. Still waters run deep, don't they? Right now, my mind is very very still, with only the haunting promises of my death to distract me. My thoughts have slowed, and finally stopped. It is time I retired to my corner and allow the nightmares to torment me next. I have died in my dreams many times, most of them in fights with supernatural beings of unknown category. My own experience with the deaths of others has allowed me the 'luxury' of crafting possible scenarios where I die. Unfortunate to have a mind so active. Tsktsk. Still, it is both gift and curse. It is time I harnessed the darkness that swirls around me, instead of letting it dissipate into the cold night air. *rolls up sleeves* Waste not, want not. I will no longer turn to beings of light for help. I have dealt with much worse on less experience. I am older, and wiser now. And all my skills are still intact. Time to go practice. (It is telling that my affinity with felines has returned on this very night.)