Psychic Eruption
As the sun lights up the horizon, my eyes redden and my aura darkens even more. All the buried rage, the resentment...the anger. They're surfacing, like dead bodies to a necromancer's call. My heart is erupting with emotion, and I fear that this Vesuvius within me will destroy any chance I have of redemption.
Rage filters its way through my veins...thick and vile, a poisonous sludge.
I am beyond angry. With myself. J was never worth it Was he?. A living doll, he was beautiful to look at, to touch. And he was mine for eight months. *cries* If I close my eyes right now, I can feel the cloud of darkness that is my shield against the world. Yes. I resent everything that has happened. I resent having trusted so much in people who eventually left me alone in this dark place. I resent the fact that my skills are degrading by the minute because I refuse to go home. I resent the fact that my aunt is one money-minded b*tch. I resent the fact that she is totally tactless, and insensitive, and rude and unrefined. I mean...come on! For Pete's sake, you're a bloody woman! Can't you act like it? I don't care if she is too dense to ever understand the beauty that so enchants me, the beauty of the written word, the beauty of music, the beauty of wisdom. I am dying. Everyone out there is busy chasing their dreams, sliding up and down the rainbow and rolling around in the pot of gold. I don't care, really I don't. But I also know the world will not allow me to live in a beautiful garden with a grand piano and the souls of the great philosophers to accompany me. On days like this, I feel for every living creature. It is on days like this that I cry over trees, that my empathy for others increases a hundredfold. Walk me through a hospital now, and I will collapse from the sheer pain that I know the dying suffer. No one knows how many times I sat in the hospital cafeteria as a child, feeling people suffer around me. I cried for them, I prayed for them, I talked to them. I know what I go through is nothing compared to a million other people, but then again...I'm only asking for what I love to be returned to me. All that I have loved, all that responds to my touch and mine only...come back. My piano, my best friend Seif, the golden days with my cherished friends, my only love J, my works of art, the people and things that I love and care about. It's just so hard to go home right now. I'm facing my daddy today. Everytime I stay over, he'll clock in way too many overtime hours, and avoid me for as long as possible. Everyone I've touched leaves me disillusioned. It is my fault. It is that core of darkness within me that I bear, the one that spreads to those that I love. J...I know you still read the words that pour forth from my heart onto this blog. If you truly meant what you said those few years ago, please come back. You know where I am. I'll always be here. I can put up a front, be brave and rely on my illusions to fool those who care about me and think I'm wasting my time with this guy. But on this day, on this morning when my tears catch the sunlight, when I'm feeling so vulnerable...let it be known. I will only love J.
R, Z, X...all those other alphabets. Even the new guy. They don't matter. The only one who does is the one who no longer remembers what colour my eyes are. So many tears...for all these people that I love. So many secrets that threaten to rip my mind apart. Guarding them has already fragmented my soul enough that people who get close fear me. I'll admit it, I'll shout it out to the whole world. I am capable of monstrous darkness.
I can hurt, I can maim with a few choice words. I fear neither mortal man nor immortal beast, demonic or divine. I do not fear death. I'm sorry, Azrael. But I don't fear you. What I do fear...is losing another person I love. I fear death not for myself, but for the relationships that I still try to keep alive. I cannot keep up...I cannot do this anymore. I want my piano within my reach. I want J back, as he was. I want the people I love to know that I love them, and that I would never willingly hurt them. I want them to know...that I can never truly let anyone in. It pains me to say this, but no one really knows what I am, or what I am capable of. Regardless, no matter how darkened I am, even if there is no more light left in my heart...I will never willingly hurt those I love. My mind is beginning to awaken. With it comes all the responsibilities that being me entails. As I go down on my knees to pray...I hope I'll get what I need to feel at peace. I don't know if I deserve it...but I do dream of having peace for myself. It is one of my most cherished visions. Please, Raphael, angel of healing and music. Return to me what was lost through forces beyond my control. Angels were made in the light of God's love. And truly, what I feel for all of them...everyone...it is love. Please return what I need to be whole. J, come back. *cries* I'm sorry I hurt you. I still love you. I don't understand it myself, this emotion cannot die. But I love you. And I cannot deal with the pain alone anymore. I've done everything else alone. I've lived alone, I've fought alone against an entire army of hellish men, I've faced my own demons nightly alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. Will you come and hold me for just a few moments of peace that I so desperately want?
Rage filters its way through my veins...thick and vile, a poisonous sludge.
I am beyond angry. With myself. J was never worth it Was he?. A living doll, he was beautiful to look at, to touch. And he was mine for eight months. *cries* If I close my eyes right now, I can feel the cloud of darkness that is my shield against the world. Yes. I resent everything that has happened. I resent having trusted so much in people who eventually left me alone in this dark place. I resent the fact that my skills are degrading by the minute because I refuse to go home. I resent the fact that my aunt is one money-minded b*tch. I resent the fact that she is totally tactless, and insensitive, and rude and unrefined. I mean...come on! For Pete's sake, you're a bloody woman! Can't you act like it? I don't care if she is too dense to ever understand the beauty that so enchants me, the beauty of the written word, the beauty of music, the beauty of wisdom. I am dying. Everyone out there is busy chasing their dreams, sliding up and down the rainbow and rolling around in the pot of gold. I don't care, really I don't. But I also know the world will not allow me to live in a beautiful garden with a grand piano and the souls of the great philosophers to accompany me. On days like this, I feel for every living creature. It is on days like this that I cry over trees, that my empathy for others increases a hundredfold. Walk me through a hospital now, and I will collapse from the sheer pain that I know the dying suffer. No one knows how many times I sat in the hospital cafeteria as a child, feeling people suffer around me. I cried for them, I prayed for them, I talked to them. I know what I go through is nothing compared to a million other people, but then again...I'm only asking for what I love to be returned to me. All that I have loved, all that responds to my touch and mine only...come back. My piano, my best friend Seif, the golden days with my cherished friends, my only love J, my works of art, the people and things that I love and care about. It's just so hard to go home right now. I'm facing my daddy today. Everytime I stay over, he'll clock in way too many overtime hours, and avoid me for as long as possible. Everyone I've touched leaves me disillusioned. It is my fault. It is that core of darkness within me that I bear, the one that spreads to those that I love. J...I know you still read the words that pour forth from my heart onto this blog. If you truly meant what you said those few years ago, please come back. You know where I am. I'll always be here. I can put up a front, be brave and rely on my illusions to fool those who care about me and think I'm wasting my time with this guy. But on this day, on this morning when my tears catch the sunlight, when I'm feeling so vulnerable...let it be known. I will only love J.
R, Z, X...all those other alphabets. Even the new guy. They don't matter. The only one who does is the one who no longer remembers what colour my eyes are. So many tears...for all these people that I love. So many secrets that threaten to rip my mind apart. Guarding them has already fragmented my soul enough that people who get close fear me. I'll admit it, I'll shout it out to the whole world. I am capable of monstrous darkness.
I can hurt, I can maim with a few choice words. I fear neither mortal man nor immortal beast, demonic or divine. I do not fear death. I'm sorry, Azrael. But I don't fear you. What I do fear...is losing another person I love. I fear death not for myself, but for the relationships that I still try to keep alive. I cannot keep up...I cannot do this anymore. I want my piano within my reach. I want J back, as he was. I want the people I love to know that I love them, and that I would never willingly hurt them. I want them to know...that I can never truly let anyone in. It pains me to say this, but no one really knows what I am, or what I am capable of. Regardless, no matter how darkened I am, even if there is no more light left in my heart...I will never willingly hurt those I love. My mind is beginning to awaken. With it comes all the responsibilities that being me entails. As I go down on my knees to pray...I hope I'll get what I need to feel at peace. I don't know if I deserve it...but I do dream of having peace for myself. It is one of my most cherished visions. Please, Raphael, angel of healing and music. Return to me what was lost through forces beyond my control. Angels were made in the light of God's love. And truly, what I feel for all of them...everyone...it is love. Please return what I need to be whole. J, come back. *cries* I'm sorry I hurt you. I still love you. I don't understand it myself, this emotion cannot die. But I love you. And I cannot deal with the pain alone anymore. I've done everything else alone. I've lived alone, I've fought alone against an entire army of hellish men, I've faced my own demons nightly alone. I don't want to be alone anymore. Will you come and hold me for just a few moments of peace that I so desperately want?
posted by fallen angel at 9:28 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home