Psychic Yearning

The harshness of the years I spent in solitude away from you have taught me nothing. Nothing. I have not learnt to treasure each moment of connection, each silver drop in time that I know will slip between my fingers despite my best efforts. I wanted your comfort, your love, as twisted as it was, during the moments when I was down on my knees. But now that I have risen, I fall back down with the realisation that you were right. I didn't treasure you then, I treated you much the same way I do now. On some level, we both know our connection was intense, primal and all-consuming. We spoke for hours, days, without words. I still feel the same way, but you keep blowing hot and cold, and you leave me so confused. You say you've moved on, but why have you returned? Kenneth's words were illuminating, and what Yushaa said haunts me. "It's about power. Control." The struggle for dominance, and you know I can never fight those I love. I can't fight you. You stayed long enough to make sure I was fine, and then you were gone. I was terrified, that sometime between today and yesterday I'd managed to lose you. Again. Once was enough to shatter my entire existence, and force me to remould myself. But when I kneel before you, I'm still the same scared little boy. How many tears have we shed over this? Why do we not have the strength to end what should have died long ago? Why do you have to keep reiterating the fact that I do not and possibly may never learn to treasure you? "Treasure." You know nothing about what I treasure, every message that I still save in my cell, every word written down in your hand, the many letters that I hoard like a miser with his pennies. The bag filled with you that is half my height. I do. I do treasure you so much that sometimes I'm afraid you'll just slip away for another year, two, three...and leave me pining away. I admit, I am wary of you. Everyone is. Why do you still care? You're within my reach, but I suddenly find myself paralysed. I don't want to lose you again, but I fear that in my hesitation, I will lose you anyway. I regret the times when you came so close, when I could have accepted what you were trying to say without running away, but I couldn't-I didn't know how to deal. Now the years have made me wiser, but you still remain an enigma to me. This emotion I feel for you gifts me with an innate energy that I can't seem to drain away. I don't want to lose you. I can't say how much you mean to me. I can't tell you all this when you're standing tall in front of me. I can only watch and want and waste. It was sweet of you to worry for me, but now that I'm ok, will you fly away again, my angel?
So sad but true, for me there's only you.