Psychic Black

The darkness surrounds me, and suddenly, my tears are falling freely. I have never known anyone else who considers his mind a prison. There are horrors embedded in my past, phantoms that glide through my mind ever so often. My heart is clenched in fear, but I know that these demons that taunt me are not Lucifer's minions. No, they come from within me, and I don't know how to banish them permanently. My mind has been relaxed enough for my mental barriers to fall away, and therefore this is my own fault. I cannot explain how the pain can overwhelm me, how excruciating it is when I know I am helpless. It runs through my veins now, and I cannot truly describe the sensation. It's like razor blades running up and down from the inside. I have to find a way to beat this verbal paralysis, this inability of mine to open up and talk to people about how I feel. I can't keep running away. But...so much pain. All the memories are killing me, and I don't know how to get rid of them. It helped ease some of the pain when I let someone in, but...there's so much I can't say. Am I destined to keep this pain within me forever? The tears don't help. They fall, but they don't make me feel better the way people say they do. It isn't cathartic for me. I am dying inside, and slowly wilting, and I know they are those who are trying to reach out for me. But all I see when I open my eyes is utter blackness. I cannot fight my past, can I? I cannot fight these emotions, these demons that taunt me so relentlessly. Today is Sunday. The supposed day of rest. Where will morning find me? Where will I be? Each drop silvers my fingers, gleaming with wicked glee at my pain, these horrible tears. I have to fight my own mind, struggle to bury the memories that bring me to my knees. Is the human mind so powerful? Why can't I just forget? All the pain? The night was beautiful, as the storm raged on. It calmed me slightly. Lightning danced in erratic flashes across the sky, and for a moment, when I closed my eyes, I was at peace. But then I opened them again, and reality sank in. I have aged, but wisdom and contentment still elude me. Is success only for those who conform? If so, then I am condemned. I am lost, and I don't believe I was given a compass. I often wish that at times like this, I had my own castle to retreat to, with its own maze-like corridors that I could wander in for days, symbolic of the pilgrimage through my mind that I could never complete. The pain is still raw and fresh, even after all these years. Is it because I have never examined each painful memory at length? It is stupid. My mind has imprisoned my soul, and with each breath I appear to be losing the fight. Time is irrelevant to me, in my mind there is no time. There is nothing but memories waiting to be examined and explained. But I do not have the strength necessary for such a feat, and I believe I will be doing this for years to come. Crying because I am not strong enough to face the terrors in my past, terrible events that still give me nightmares. The blackness that cloaks me now...why can't it ever enter my mind and erase all the pain? I have lived by myself for a good part of my life. I can't depend on my mortal angels to save me everytime the memories threaten to surface. I can't. I'm not strong enough.
Gabriel, I don't ask for salvation. I pray for strength.