Psychic Recollection

I've never been so afraid. Have I lost him through ignorance, through stupidity? I can't say it was unexpected, but still...it hurts just as badly as it did the last time round. I've spent my day sitting in sunlight, feeling the warmth, but knowing that it cannot touch my heart. Frozen by bitter tears, the guilt and self-recriminations swirled together to make a disgusting brew. I couldn't understand it. A brief reappearance, and then he vanishes altogether. I feel like I've been on tenterhooks the entire day. I read words from our past, remembering the sweetness, the laughter, the unselfishness that comes from true love. The protectiveness I felt for him, how I wanted to shelter him from the cruelty of life, how he tried to make me see that I was holding myself back. The tears we shed in each other's arms, the gentleness no one else would have thought possible. It was unexpected, how we were left untouched. Given that the atmosphere of the school at that time was sickeningly homophobic, we should have had a harder time. Granted, whispers preceded us, and we became an open secret, but nothing ever came of it. I thought he would crack under the strain of being in perpetual spotlight, but he bore it all with the strength and grace unmatched by most men. I was secretly proud of him. Perhaps it was the gentle care that we felt for each other that melted even the most homophobic heart, perhaps that was the reason why we could walk side by side without fear. In fact, I remember that a few people even told me that I changed their perception of gay men. Kelly, I remember, was disgusted at first, but over time she became, and remains to this day, one of my best friends. I loved him. I still do, in fact. It has been two years, and occasionally, I laugh and inwardly marvel at the strength of emotion that has never faltered even with the passage of time. Everything else is crumbling around me, but I hold fast in the fact that the flame of my heart has never wavered. The minor squabbles we had seem so trivial now, but at that time, although I didn't tell him, I was surprised at how well he could handle the pressure of being next to me. I regret now the tears that spilled from those eyes because of me. If only I could take back every hurtful word. I didn't realise the distance was growing until it was too great a rift to close. He finally gained his wings, and we both parted bitter and disillusioned. At first I was convinced he'd come back, like so many times before. But then days turned into months, and months turned into years. I have never stopped loving, nor have I stopped hoping.
Until the day my heart stops beating...perhaps then I will finally stop bleeding.