Psychic Penumbra

My mood has been growing steadily darker throughout the day. For those who know of my fascination with the supernatural and forces as yet unrecognised by science, I am not inclined to walk upon the path of light and goodness. Penumbra is a Latin word that refers to shadow. Many misconstrue 'shadow' as a word with negative connotations. For those who only view the world as black or white, good or evil, right or wrong...I can only assume someone like me is therefore non-existent in your myopic vision. I have proven time and again that I am capable of the darkest deeds, yet in recent times I have surprised myself with remarkable restraint on my natural impulses. I am an Arian, one of the astrological signs of Fire. Yet fire itself is associated with warmth and light, when tonight I feel my aura darkening for reasons which I find no words suffice. I have been evading certain issues for far too long, holding out hope for a non-existent flame when there is no fuel for such fires to continue burning. I care not whether people can read these words and infer the meaning hidden behind my structured sentences. Seek, and ye shall find. My words may have meaning, but a glance will not suffice. The very act of spilling my dark thoughts out is cathartic. *thoughtful* I have been hiding flaws and darker emotions underneath a veil of amusement, using humour as a defense mechanism. Yet tonight, when all my defenses melt away, I find such tactics are unnecessary. Part of the reason for my dark mood today is the discovery of my old notebooks, written in my old handwriting. It is foolish to allow memories of a life long forgotten to resurface and overwhelm, this I know. But my heart has always been rebellious, and the war it fights with my mind is ageless. My handwriting back then wasn't as neat or tiny as it is now. It was scrawly, nearly illegible, yet the words I'd written down were clear and the pain was evident in each sentence. The act of forgiveness is not instant, and in some cases, it takes years to see the process to completion. Therefore I bear no grudges against the one who I've hurt and been hurt by in return. I do not feel the thrill I usually get when the sun sets and the darkness calls us creatures of the night to awaken from our diurnal slumber. Perhaps that is because tonight, I am part of the darkness that blankets this part of the world. I have been toying with several new theories, new perspectives, and perhaps tonight it is time I completed several tasks I have put on hold. The night is young, infantile still, and I have plenty of time to plan my vengeance against the one who has incurred my wrath. I am returning to my roots, regardless of the binding contract I was forced to sign four years ago. It was all a lie, and it took me four years to realise this. A grand illusion indeed, and I should be ashamed of myself for not seeing past the facade of grandeur and completion. *shakes head* Well, the cobwebs have fallen from my eyes, and now I believe it is time I regained what I relinquished so foolishly all those years ago. For those who understand, the two of you, know that my vengeance will come soon enough, long overdue after all these years. Perhaps when the first rays of sunlight reach me come dawn, the darkness that enshrouds me will melt away. But until then, I am perfectly content to sit in the relative absence of light and allow my soul to darken further.
De inimico non loquaris sed cogites.